Harry Potter I: Facebook News Feed Edition
by BurstAndBloom91
Summary: The Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone, Facebook News Feed style!
1. Part I Ch1 to Ch6

A/N: Inspired by Hamlet Facebook News Feed Edition. Also posted on LJ under the same username!

Standard disclaimers apply.

* * *

Chapter One

**Vernon Dursley** prefers normalcy.

(**Petunia Dursley** likes this.)

* * *

**Vernon Dursley **asks this question to fellow Facebookers: should cats be reading newspapers? This is a serious question. I think I know, but I could be completely wrong.

**Petunia Dursley**: No, they shouldn't be, dear.

**Vernon Dursley**: It must've been a trick of the light. Thanks, honey :)

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**: Yes, this is completely normal, do not fret.

**Vernon Dursley**: Who in the hell are you, Dumblebus?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**: My name is clearly written out in an easy-to-read font. Even if you were at a COMPLETE loss, you could have quite easily copied and pasted.

**Dudley Dursley**: slfkjalsfjsWERLSDJ0329

**Petunia Dursley**: Oh dear, Dudley got a hold of the keyboard again.

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** is on his lunch break – FINALLY! Come on, everyone, are we working hard or hardly working?

**5 people** are fans of Egging Vernon Dursley's Home.

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: What the hell was the name of your sister's kid? Don't panic. This isn't actually as urgent as I made it seem. But try to get back to me ASAP.

* * *

**Dudley Dursley** WON'T!

**Dudley Dursley** wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: WON'T!

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on **Vernon Dursley**'s wall: WON'T!

**Petunia Dursley** wrote on **Vernon Dursley**'s wall: Maybe you shouldn't get so friendly with all those exclamation points and question marks, then (just for future reference). And it's Harry.

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **likes this.)

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**'s wall: WTF?

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** is proud. And a little confused as to why his son has a Facebook to begin with. But still proud. And PISSED at this Arnold what's-his-face.

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **is now on Privet Drive! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall** RIP Lily and James Potter. (sent from mobile)

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **and **6,943,234 others** like this.)

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** is now on Privet Drive! With Harry! (sent from mobile)

**Rubeus Hagrid** became a fan of motorcycles.

**Harry Potter** has joined Facebook.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **wrote on **Harry** **Potter**'s wall: Good luck.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **sent **Vernon Dursley** and **Petunia Dursley** a baby and a letter.

* * *

Chapter Two

~*10 years later*~

**Dudley Dursley** IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. Y'ALL BETTER GET ME SOMETHING GOOD.

(**Petunia Dursley, Vernon Dursley, Marge Dursley** like this.)

**Petunia Dursley** wrote on **Dudley Dursley**'s wall: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUDLEYKINS! MUMMY LOVES YOU SO MUCH XOXOXOX.

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Dudley Dursley**'s wall: Happy Birthday, Dudley! I'm so proud that you're my son!

* * *

**Harry Potter** wonders what he did in a past life to deserve such horrible treatment. And he's considering the possibility of emancipation.

**Dudley Dursley** joined the group Sons with fat bastard fathers who only give them thirty-six presents for their eleventh birthdays.

**Arabella Figg** has a broken leg :(

**Petunia Dursley**: DISLIKE. IMMENSELY.

**Vernon Dursley**: I second my wife's notion.

**Dudley Dursley**: HOW DARE YOU – YOU RUINED EVERYTHING.

**Harry Potter**: No offense, but I'm rather glad you've provided the opportunity for me to leave this hellhole of a house.

**Harry Potter**: Oh, and I won't have to look at Tibbles, Snow, Mr. Paws, and Tufty again. Another plus.

* * *

**Piers Polkiss** has arrived at Dudley's house! (sent from mobile)

(**Dudley Dursley** likes this.)

**Dudley Dursley** IS GOING TO THE ZOO WITH **Piers Polkiss**.

(**Piers Polkiss** likes this.)

**Harry Potter**: And don't forget me, Dudleykins.

**Dudley Dursley**: SHUT UP, POTTER. YOU DON'T EXIST. I'M IGNORING YOU, LALALALALA…

**Harry Potter**: …

* * *

**Harry Potter** dreamed about a flying motorcycle last night – any interpretations? (sent from mobile)

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** and **Rubeus Hagrid** like this.)

**Harry Potter**: Er…okay? Not familiar with you people…

**Vernon Dursley**: MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY.

**Dudley Dursley**: LOL.

**Harry Potter**: I know they don't, it was just a dream. If you had read my status properly, you would've recognized that.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is actually enjoying himself? What a completely new and foreign concept. (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter** added "talking to snakes" to interests.

**Dudley Dursley** WAS ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE.

**Harry Potter**: You were not.

**Piers Polkiss**: You were talking to it! Probably told it to kill us!

**Harry Potter**:No…

* * *

**Vernon Dursley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: CUPBOARD – RIGHT NOW. NO MEALS.

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: GET ME A BRANDY.

**Petunia Dursley**: Yes, dear, of course.

**Harry Potter** of course my life can't be happy for more than five minutes. No meals? Some would constitute this as child abuse…

* * *

Chapter Three

**Harry Potter** should be happier that it's now the summer holidays, but this means he has to put up with being chased on a daily basis.

**Dudley Dursley** HARRY HUNTING FTW!

(**Piers Polkiss** and **3 others** like this.)

**Harry Potter**: Oh, boy…

* * *

**Dudley Dursley** is getting his Smeltings uniform! (sent from mobile)

(**Vernon Dursley** and **Petunia Dursley** like this.)

**Vernon Dursley**: Just like his father!

* * *

**Harry Potter** is at **Arabella Figg**'s, and doesn't feel like withering away, a first. (sent from mobile)

(**Arabella Figg **likes this.)

**

* * *

Dudley Dursley** became a fan of sticks.

**Harry Potter**: More like pimp canes…

**Dudley Dursley**: I'M GOING TO HIT YOU.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wonders how wearing bits of old elephant skin will make him look like "everybody else."

**Petunia Dursley**: BE GRATEFUL WE GIVE CLOTHES FOR YOU TO WEAR, YOU BRAT.

**Vernon Dursley**: Hear, hear!

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Dudley Dursley**'s wall: Dudley, get the mail.

**Dudley Dursley** wrote on **Vernon Dursley**'s wall: Make Harry get it!

**Vernon Dursley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Harry, get the mail.

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Vernon Dursley**'s wall: Make Dudley get it.

**Vernon Dursley **wrote on **Dudley Dursley**'s wall: Hit Harry with your Smelting stick.

**Dudley Dursley** poked **Harry Potter**.

**Harry Potter** is in shock: he has received a letter for the first time in his life!

**Dudley Dursley** DOES NOT LIKE BEING IGNORED.

**Harry Potter **doesn't like when people take his private property – isn't it illegal to read someone else's mail?

**Vernon Dursley** sent **Harry Potter** a new room**.**

**Dudley Dursley **created the group If this group gets to 1,000,000 members, Harry Potter will move back into the cupboard.

**Harry Potter **joined the group If this group gets to 1,000,000 members, Harry Potter will move back into the cupboard.

**Harry Potter **wrote onIf this group gets to 1,000,000 members, Harry Potter will move back into the cupboard's wall: First of all, I'd rather live in the cupboard at this rate. This whole "new room" thing is probably a clever ploy to satiate me until the one night when the three of you perform a group-murder. Also, you have no power whatsoever to ensure that when this group reaches 1,000,000 members, I will be forced back into the cupboard. ANYONE WHO JOINED THIS GROUP IS A FOOL!

**Harry Potter **left the group If this group gets to 1,000,000 members, Harry Potter will move back into the cupboard.

* * *

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on **Vernon Dursley**'swall: Fuck you, Dad. Fuck you. You ruined my life.

**Dudley Dursley **poked **Vernon Dursley **and** Petunia Dursley**.

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**Vernon Dursley** wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: Did you see what your son just wrote to me?

**Petunia Dursley **wrote on **Dudley Dursley**'s wall: Please calm down, Diddykins. We'll get you a WHOLE, BIG house soon! Everything will be better after we perform the group-murder – I mean…after Harry goes away for a while…

(**Vernon Dursley **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**: ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME! THIS IS CHILD ABUSE.

**Vernon Dursley**: It's not child abuse. We haven't done anything…yet.

**Harry Potter**: Oh…so we're just ignoring the first ten years of my life where you starved me, verbally abused me, allowed Dudley to beat me, and threw me in a claustrophobic, spider-infested CUPBOARD? For all intents and purposes, you ABUSED a CHILD.

**Dudley Dursley**: Shut up, bitch.

* * *

**Dudley Dusely **added "projectile vomiting to get what he wants" to their interests.

**Dudley Dursley **removed "playing with my pet tortoise" from his interests.

**Vernon Dursley **wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: Honey, Dudley just hit me with his Smelting stick and threw his pet tortoise through the greenhouse roof.

(**Dudley Dursley **likes this.)

**Petunia Dursley**: Yes, I realized that, dear. He projectile vomited on my new blouse.

**Dudley Dursley**: Don't give my room to the new kid then, punk-ass bitches!

**Harry Potter**: Seriously? I'm still the "new kid?" Are you fucking retarded, Dudley? I've been a resident at 4 Privet Drive for the past TEN YEARS, you motherfucking ANIMAL. Seriously, get your shit together.

**Dudley Dursley **poked **Harry Potter**.

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Dudley Dursley**'s wall: POKE ME ONE MORE TIME, YOU INSUFFERABLE LITTLE MONSTER.

**Dudley Dursley **poked **Harry Potter**.

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: What ya gonna do now, Potty-head?

**Harry Potter **You just called your mother and father "punk-ass bitches," yet the only thing you could manage to think of to call me is "potty-head?" Yeah. I've never heard that one before, Dudley.

**Dudley Dursley **poked **Harry Potter**.

**Harry Potter **poked **Dudley Dursley**.

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Dudley Dursley**'s wall: How do you like it now, bitch?

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: MUUUUUUUUUUM! The skinny kid who used to live in the cupboard is poking me!

(**Harry Potter **likes this.)

**Petunia Dursley **sent **Dudley Dursley **a cupcake.

(**Vernon Dursley **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**'s life isn't real. Nobody would fucking believe this shit.

(**Vernon Dursley**, **Petunia Dursley**, and **5 others** like this.)

**Dudley Dursley**: I said: shut up, bitch.

* * *

**Vernon Dursley **and **Petunia Dursley **removed "Smelting Stick" from their interests.

**Harry Potter**:Why were you two ever fans of "Smelting Stick"?

**Vernon Dursley**:Shut up, bitch.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is going to sleep. I've got a very early day tomorrow. Nothing for the Dursleys to concern themselves with.

**Vernon Dursley**: What are you up to, boy?

**Petunia Dursley**: This better not have anything to do with the mail.

**Vernon Dursley**: Good call, dear. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

**Petunia Dursley**: I'll go get the sleeping bag.

* * *

**Harry Potter **FOILED AGAIN. He realizes he should've checked his status one more time this morning. A thirty-minute screaming fest from fat, old Vernon isn't the way he'd like to start his day.

(**Petunia Dursley **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**: If anyone is interested for further commentary on how much my life sucks, they can visit "Lost, Lonely Boy: The inner musings of an orphan" – my blog page.

* * *

**Harry Potter **added "blogging" to their interests.

**Harry Potter **and **Neville Longbottom **are now friends.

**Neville Longbottom **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I've been reading your blogs in my spare time and I just want to offer my condolences and support on your miserable life. I too am an orphan of sorts, forced to live with my grandmother. Maybe one day we will be friends.

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Neville Longbottom**'s wall: Hey there! Thanks for the support, man. My condolences as well, of course. Hope we can be friends.

**Neville Longbottom **wrote on I Heart The Boy Who Lived's wall: Listen guys, I gotta leave this group. Harry and I recently became Facebook friends and I don't want to…you know, scare him off. Bye.

**Neville Longbottom **left the group I Heart The Boy Who Lived.

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** has never wanted to go to work so much in his entire life. But staying home is a necessity. Gotta burn these letters, right?

**Harry Potter**: If there was a "dislike" option…I would use it. Frequently. Please go to work.

* * *

**Vernon Dursley **removed "the postal service" and "the dairy" from their interests.

**Vernon Dursley **became a fan of Sundays.

**Vernon Dursley **wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: We're leaving! NOW! NO ARGUMENTS!

**Petunia Dursley **Note to all book club members: I am going away on a little trip…not sure why.

**Petunia Dursley **wrote on Women with verbally abusive, fat husbands wall: Hey ladies, how are you all doing? The fat mess is screaming that we have to go on a trip…as you all know, I love that fattie to death despite his terrible, appalling behavior. So I'll talk to you all next…whenever he decides to bring me home. Bye!

* * *

**Dudley Dursley **poked **Vernon Dursley**.

**Vernon Dursley **wrote on **Dudley Dursley**'s wall: I am NOT in the mood for this, son. I am pulling tufts of hair out of my OWN mustache. Now get to packing or I'll be pulling your hair out in a minute!

**Dudley Dursley** is sick of this shit. Since when is a kid denied TWO rooms and forced to go on a lame-ass vacation to some shitty destination. Fuck this shit, I'm filing for emancipation.

**Petunia Dursley **Diddykins, where did you learn a fancy word like that? LOVE YOU! xoxoxox

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on Sons with fat bastard fathers who only give them thirty-six presents for their eleventh birthdays's wall: Hey, all. The fat bastard is taking us on a little "trip." Not sure where, but all I know is that it's all the little bitch's fault aka Harry Potty-head. Fuck, life sucks when you have to share a house with three other people, am I right or am I right, guys? See you…soon?

**Dudley Dursley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Who on earth wants to talk to _you _this badly? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

**Harry Potter **IF I KNEW THAT, WE WOULDN'T BE GOING ON A TRIP. YOUR FAT BASTARD OF A FATHER COULD JUST GIVE ME MY MAIL, AND YOU COULD KEEP YOUR TWO ROOMS, YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT.

* * *

**Harry Potter **removed "the postal service" from his interests.

**Harry Potter** I've always had a great, fond respect for the men and women of the postal department. But seriously guys, what the FUCK is going on here? You're sending thousands upon thousands of letters to my fucking house and my fucking fat bastard uncle is getting SERIOUSLY PEEVED. YOU AREN'T HELPING MATTERS. (Sorry if this aggression is directed towards the innocent, but I am getting really frustrated here. Wish I could write in my blog but Vernon's making us pack up and leave).

**Vernon Dursley**: The fact that we both removed "the postal service" from our interests makes me want to add it to my interests again. Having anything in common with you makes me sick to my stomach.

**Harry Potter**: And by "stomach," you mean the over-sized receptacle you use to store a VILE, INHUMAN amount of food that could comfortably feed a family of four for a week?

**Vernon Dursley**: Fuck you.

* * *

**Dudley Dursley **removed "Vernon Dursley" from their interests.

**Dudley Dursley **My father, **Vernon Dursley**, used to be the light of my life. The one that I looked up to – he would scream in Harry's face until the little bastard cried. But now…now he's just a shell of the man he used to be. Seriously, he's taken three sharp left turns in a row now, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING, YOU MOTHERFUCKING DUMBASS? I'M SO FUCKING HUNGRY THAT I'M HOWLING. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on Kids who live for TV and blowing up aliens on their computers's wall: I HAVE MISSED FIVE TELEVISION PROGRAMS. I HAVE NEVER GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT BLOWING UP AN ALIEN ON MY COMPUTER. SHIT FUCK SHIT I HATE MY FUCKING DAD! (Almost as much as I hate Harry Potty-head, the outdoors, and doing anything that doesn't involve eating).

**Harry Potter **can't believe he's sharing a room with Dudley. (sent from mobile)

**Dudley Dursley**: YOU can't believe it? I went from having 2 rooms, to having 1 room, to having no rooms, to SHARING A FUCKING ROOM WITH YOU. THIS BLOWS. I HAVE FALLEN HARDER AND LONGER THAN YOU HAVE. I HAVE GONE FROM EVERYTHING TO NOTHING. YOU'VE JUST GONE FROM NOTHING TO NOTHING.

**Harry Potter**: You wrote this comment literally five minutes ago and yet you're now snoring up a storm in your bed three feet away from me. My life is epic.

* * *

**Vernon Dursley **became a fan of stale cornflakes and cold tinned tomatoes on toast.

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on **Vernon Dursley**'s wall: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? YOU A FAN OF THIS SHIT? Dad, you've seriously lost your fucking mind. This food is poison. You are feeding me poison. This is child abuse. CHILD ABUSE.

**Harry Potter**: You're kidding me, right? This is an elaborate joke. Poison? This is the best meal I've had my entire life. This is a meal fit for a king, and I am king of Gloomy Hotel Island.

**Dudley Dursley**:Then eat all the tomato toast shit YOU WANT, because I am FASTING.

**Harry Potter**:That's going to last about five minutes…I better eat quickly.

**Dudley Dursley **WHERE'S ALL THE FOOD – IF HE WASN'T SO SKINNY I WOULD FUCKING STAB THIS SKINNY BITCH IN THE HEART AND EAT HIM MYSELF! (sent from mobile)

**Dudley Dursley **added "cannibalism" to their interests.

**Dudley Dursley **became a fan of stale cornflakes and cold tinned tomatoes on toast.

**Harry Potter**:And I am starving again. YOU ARE FUCKING PSYCHOTIC. And I was wrong…4 minutes.

* * *

**Harry Potter **and **Neville Longbottom **joined the group Orphaned at One.

**Harry Potter **wrote on Orphaned at One's wall: If anyone is interested, I'm really getting the hang of my blog, "Lost, Lonely Boy: the inner musings of an orphan." I'm making some real break-throughs here.

* * *

**Dudley Dursley** well, we're off again. New location, new insane ramblings from _Daddy_. Fuck this shit. I was not BUILT for this shit. I am fat and lazy. What the fuck? (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: You got that right, bitch.

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on **Petunia Dursley**'s wall: Daddy's gone mad, hasn't he?

** Petunia Dursley**:Don't you worry your pretty little head, Diddykins.

**Dudley Dursley**: If we weren't standing in a deserted FIELD, I wouldn't have to worry my pretty little head, WOULD I, MUM? God, you're so STUPID.

**Petunia Dursley**: xoxoxox.

**Dudley Dursley** joined the group Boys with mums who can't see their fat bastard husbands' insanity.

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on Boys with mums who can't see their fat bastard husbands' insanity: Seriously, I need support here, guys. My mum is completely blind to the fact that her husband is MENTALLY UNSTABLE. FUCK MY LIFE.

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Dudley Dursley**'s wall: Do you understand how unintelligent you sound? I lived ten years of my life in a cupboard, and I am being denied the one thing that provides me with a glimmer of hope – which will probably end up being some sort of junk mail, like a magazine subscription.

**Dudley Dursley**: HAHA, thanks Potty-head. I'm lmao right now. I almost WANT you to get the mail just to see your stupid face light up and then fade into misery when you realize you were chasing after an offer to purchase Viagra or some shit like that. ROTFL! ^_^

* * *

**Harry Potter **Literally just realized it's my birthday tomorrow. Yay? (sent from mobile)

**Vernon Dursley**: DON'T EXPECT THE CALIBER OF GIFTS YOU RECEIVED LAST YEAR. DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING AT ALL, YOU GOT IT?

**Harry Potter**: Oh my goodness…what? You aren't getting me a coat hanger and ONE pair of your old socks this year? How will I ever survive? I didn't have a CLOSET to place coat hanger's ON until two weeks ago, and oh boy, will I miss my feet SWIMMING in your huge, sweat-stained socks. Shithead.

**Vernon Dursley**: Glad we're on the same page.

**Harry Potter**: If we're on the same page, then you must be thinking about how hard you want to punch yourself in the face, right? Fuck you.

**Petunia Dursley**: Shut your mouth, boy!

**Vernon Dursley**: Petunia, get out of here. Go worry your little, female head about something else. Like making us (me and Dudley) dinner.

**Petunia Dursley **wrote on Women with verbally abusive, fat husbands's wall: Hi ladies…checking back a little sooner than I imagined. In the end, it's all worth it, right? They'll be nice to us eventually. Breathe. Okay, I'm good. Going to make dinner for the wonderful men in my life!

* * *

**Harry Potter** is counting down the hours until my birthday. Alone. (sent from mobile)

**Petunia Dursley** wonders what the long, thin package **Vernon Dursley** is carrying contains… (sent from mobile)

**Petunia Dursley **wrote on **Vernon Dursley**'s wall: Honey…what is that you're carrying?

**Vernon Dursley** became a fan of mysterious packages.

**Harry Potter** finds this toothless old man with a rickety rowboat to be suspicious. And questions his ability to lead all of them through a bloody storm. (sent from mobile)

**Dudley Dursley**: Unfortunately, I agree with you.

**Harry Potter** For the record, he doesn't know how the HELL this rowboat is going to carry **Vernon Dursley** AND **Dudley Dursley **THROUGH this dangerous storm. Those buffoons will sink everyone! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Vernon Dursley** added "broken-down houses secluded in the middle of the sea" to their interests.

**Vernon Dursley** wishes he had some of those letters to help start a fire! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Fuck you.

**Harry Potter** secretly agrees with **Vernon Dursley** – there's no way in bloody hell that any letters will come here. (sent from mobile)

**Dudley Dursley** wrote on **Vernon Dursley**'s wall: THIS PLACE IS A SHITHOLE. I HATE YOU.

**Harry Potter**: At least you have a place to sleep! I'm sleeping on the FLOOR.

**Dudley Dursley**: A PLACE FIT FOR A SERVANT. YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE NOT SLEEPING OUTSIDE; YOU'RE SUB-HUMAN.

* * *

**Harry Potter** can't sleep. Not that he's surprised, really: he is sleeping on a cold, hard floor with an empty stomach. (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter** Birthday Countdown: 5 minutes. (Hopes the roof isn't going to cave in – he'd rather not die in this shithole). (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter** Birthday Countdown: 4 minutes. (Hopes 4 Privet Drive will be filled with letters so he can FINALLY manage to nick one). (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter** Birthday Countdown: 3 minutes. (What the bloody hell is that noise? The water on the rocks?) (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter** Birthday Countdown: 2 minutes. (Crunching noises?) (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter** Birthday Countdown: 1 minute. (So close!) (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter **Someone is actually trying to get into this broken-down shack? (YAY I'M ELEVEN!) (sent from mobile)

* * *

Chapter Four

**Dudley Dursley **Where's the cannon? (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**:Dumbass.

**Dudley Dursley**:GIVE ME A BREAK I WAS FUCKING SLEEPING. Like you've got any BETTER ideas?

**Harry Potter**:I THINK ANYTHING IS MORE LIKELY THAN A CANNON ON THIS DESERTED ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORM.

**Dudley Dursley**:Touché. Still, fuck you, as always.

**Harry Potter**:Of course.

**Harry Potter **Seriously though…I know I said a cannon was a stupid idea but what the fuck was that noise? (sent from mobile)

(**Dudley Dursley **likes this.)

* * *

**Vernon Dursley **is venturing downstairs with his "package." (sent from mobile)

**Petunia Dursley**:And what is that going to do?

**Vernon Dursley**:God damnit, Petunia. I mean the mysterious package I brought in earlier tonight.

**Petunia Dursley**:Ohhhhhhhhhhh. I thought you meant…you know. Cause…that's not going to scare anyone.

**Harry Potter**:BURN! Nice, Aunt Petunia.

**Vernon Dursley**:STFU! :X

**Petunia Dursley **will probably pay for that comment later on…fuck. (sent from mobile)

(**Vernon Dursley **likes this.)

* * *

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on **Vernon Dursley**'s wall: Hey, what are you going to do with your package?

**Harry Potter**:That's what she said?

**Dudley Dursley**:Yeah I guess. It works.

**Harry Potter**:HUZZAH! I never get those!

**Dudley Dursley**:Those things are rather hard.

**Petunia Dursley**:THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

**Dudley Dursley**:NEVER AGAIN!

* * *

**Dudley Dursley **Okay, now it's become obvious that my father is carrying a rifle down the stairs. WHO THE FUCK SOLD MY FATHER A RIFLE? (sent from mobile)

**Petunia Durlsey**:Shit.

**Petunia Dursley **Well, it's been a good life. I suppose. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Dudley Dursley **OMFGZZZZZ GIANT, HAIRY MAN! (sent from mobile)

**Dudley Dursley **removed "peeing his pants" from their interests.

**Harry Potter**:Smelting sticks, peeing your pants, cannibalism – THE INTERESTS THAT YOU PEOPLE HAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE CONTINUE TO ASTOUND ME – this is what we call ABUSING Facebook!

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **and **Harry Potter** are now friends.

**Vernon Dursley**:WTF

**Petunia Dursley**:WTF

**Dudley Dursley**:WTF

**Harry Potter**:^_^

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **guesses that the notion of hospitality is dead. Seriously…is asking for a cup of tea really too much to ask for? (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**:Thank god you type better than you speak. Jesus.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:I WAS EXPELLED FROM SCHOOL AND FORCED TO LIVE A LIFE OF SOLITUDE, CONSTANTLY LAUGHED AT AND RIDICULED – good speech was kind of the least of my worries.

**Harry Potter**:Sorry ):

**Rubeus Hagrid **added "Hooked on Phonics"to their interests.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Wow, you look like your dad, but you've got your mum's eyes.

**Harry Potter**:for some reason, I'm sensing this is going to be a repetitive statement…

**Harry Potter **Sorry to be so brash about a stranger, but I haven't even seen a PHOTO OF MY PARENTS– the comment, "You look like your dad with your mother's eyes" means LITERALLY nothing to me. Just sayin'.

(**Vernon Dursley** likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:What could you possibly care about this statement?

**Vernon Dursley**:Dunno. I guess I think it's funny we hid any remaining photographic evidence of your family. That was one of Petunia's better ideas.

**Harry Potter**:As always, fuck you, you ruined my childhood.

**Vernon Dursley**:My pleasure.

* * *

**Vernon Dursley **wants to know WHO THE FUCK this bastard is that just broke into his deserted shack! (sent from mobile)

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Whatcha insecure cause you ain't the fattest one anymore?

**Vernon Dursley**:Yes.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Oh…seriously? Sorry about that, then.

**Rubeus Hagrid **thinks that this **Vernon Dursley **is a great prune. (sent from mobile)

(**Harry Potter **and **Dudley Dursley **like this.)

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **sent **Harry Potter **a cake and a letter.

**Harry Potter **FINALLY! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: You won't understand this, but this is honestly the best gift I've ever gotten. Like, seriously. My last birthday gift was a hanger and dirty socks.

**Vernon Dursley**:AND YOU WILL ACT GRATEFUL FOR EVERY MOMENT THAT WE DON'T MURDER AND EAT YOU.

**Vernon Dursley **added "cannibalism" to their interests.

(**Dudley Dursley**likes this.)

**Dudley Dursley **is beginning to remember the reason he once loved his father. Can't buy this sort of happiness. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter **is still wondering who this giant is. (sent from mobile)

**Rubeus Hagrid** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Check my bio, you lazy bum!

**Harry Potter**: I DON'T UNDERSTAND. "Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts?" WTF DOES THIS MEAN? An explanation would be great right about now!

* * *

**Harry Potter** I think I'm on drugs – this giant man has come to visit me, has taken out a shitload of things from his pockets, including a kettle and sausages, and is now cooking the said food. What the hell is going on? (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter** is no longer complaining – he is eating the most wonderful food in his LIFE. Take that, stale cornflakes and cold tinned tomatoes on toast! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: I'm sorry, I still don't understand who the fuck you are. What is Hogwarts? Sorry…

**Rubeus Hagrid** IS GOING TO CHOKE A BITCH! (sent from mobile)

**Rubeus Hagrid** wrote on **Vernon Dursley**'s wall: YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM EVERYTHING? HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING? WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?

**Harry Potter**: Okay, this is going a bit far; I'm not retarded like Dudley. My marks aren't bad and I actually go to classes.

**Dudley Dursley**: Fuck you – I resent that statement! I go to lunch, the most important period of the day!

**Harry Potter**: For you, physical education should be.

**Dudley Dursley**: I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR CAKE.

* * *

**Harry Potter** my parents are famous? I'M famous? EXCUSE me? (sent from mobile)

**Vernon Dursley **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: SHUT UP. I DEMAND YOU TO STOP TALKING. RIGHT. NOW.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Eat shit, Dursley.

**Rubeus Hagrid **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Harry – yer a wizard.

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** and **Neville Logbottom** like this.)

**Harry Potter**:Maybe I'm not the one on drugs…are YOU on drugs?

* * *

**Harry Potter **is FINALLY going to read this bloody letter! If it's a magazine subscription, he's throwing himself into the sea. (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Well, it was certainly no magazine subscription, but I'm still CONFUSED AS HELL.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** sent **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** a letter.

**Vernon Dursley **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: HE'S NOT GOING. WE SWORE WHEN WE TOOK HIM IN WE'D PUT A STOP TO THAT RUBBISH.

**Harry Potter**: Are you seriously implying that you KNEW I was a wizard?

**Petunia Dursley**: Of COURSE we knew! Just like my sister, who was a total bitch. And a FREAK. But of course my parents were just so IN LOVE with her. It was disgusting. And then she met that Potter, and they ran off and got married and had you – another freak. But then, of course, she got herself blown up, and we got stuck with you're ungrateful arse.

**Harry Potter**: You told me they died in a car crash! Of course, I don't know why I didn't suspect that you were lying to me about everything…

**Rubeus Hagrid **became a fan of slow torture.

**Rubeus Hagrid** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: It's really not appropriate for me to explain the story of your fame, but you really can't go to Hogwarts without knowing, since that would be embarrassing. It all started with an asshole named Voldemort, but you CAN'T say his name. It was some fucked up shit – you couldn't trust anybody, and the government was in shambles. Anyway, You-Know-Who came to your house and killed your parents, because they were part of the resistance. He tried to kill you, but he epically failed. That's why you have that scar on your forehead. It's pure EVIL. But that's why you're famous: first to ever survive the Killing Curse. Pretty badass shit.

**Vernon Dursley**: THIS IS A LOAD OF HORESHIT.

**Harry Potter**: I totally forgot you existed for a moment. It was a beautiful moment, even if it was hearing about the murder of my parents.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Whatever happened to that asshole?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Some say he died. Bullshit. I think he's still out there, somewhere.

* * *

**Harry Potter** thinks someone fucked up – how can he be a wizard? (sent from mobile)

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Trust me, you are.

**Harry Potter**: I instantly believe you.

* * *

**Vernon Dursley **thinks Dumbledore is a crackpot old fool and is NOT paying for him to teach Potter MAGIC TRICKS! (sent from mobile)

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**, **Petunia Dursley**, and **Dudley Dursley **like this.)

**Vernon Dursley**:WTF?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:We all need to make fun of ourselves every once in a while! ^_^

**Vernon Dursley**:You are too goddamned happy. I want to literally bash your face in so hard that it resembles something that came out of my arse.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:So…your face?

**Harry Potter**: BURN! Nice, Mr. Dumbledore.

**Vernon Dursley**:GOD DAMN YOU MAGICIANS!

**Harry Potter **and **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** are now friends.

* * *

**Dudley Dursley** I'VE BEEN ATTACKED BY A GIANT WITH A PINK UMBRELLA. (sent from mobile)

(**Harry Potter** likes this.)

* * *

Chapter Five

**Harry Potter** is relieved that this wasn't a dream and wonders how the hell he's going to pay for school… (sent from mobile)

**Vernon Dursley**: You won't be getting any money from me!

**Rubeus Hagrid**: You ignorant Muggle, YOU'RE not providing for him – Harry's parents left him with savings.

**Vernon Dursley**: …How much are we talking here? Don't you think we should be compensated for raising that child?

**Harry Potter**: You're joking, right? I was THIS close to calling the authorities, claiming I was being neglected or abused. You're lucky you're not behind bars, you fat bastard!

* * *

**Harry Potter** is now heading off to London with **Rubeus Hagrid**! Peace out, Dursleys – and as always, FUCK YOU. (sent from mobile)

(**Rubeus Hagrid** likes this.)

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** added "knitting" to their interests.

**Harry Potter** uploaded the album First Time in London!.

**Rubeus Hagrid** and **Harry Potter** were tagged in the album First Time in London!.

**Harry Potter** and **Doris Crockford** are now friends.

**Harry Potter** and **Dedalus Diggle** are now friends.

10 more similar stories

**Harry Potter** and **Quirinus Quirrell** are now friends.

**Quirinus Quirrell** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: P-p-pleasure to m-meet you, P-P-Potter. I'm t-t-teacher D-Defense Against the D-D-Dark Arts this y-year.

**Harry Potter**: Seriously? You stutter on the Internet, too? How annoying.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is now in Diagon Alley – holy SHIT. (sent from mobile)

(**Rubeus Hagrid** likes this.)

**Harry Potter** became a fan of Diagon Alley.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: What's the You-Know-What in vault 713?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Can't tell you, it's a secret. Hogwart's business.

**Harry Potter**: Did I forget to mention that I have a voracious amount of curiosity and that I WILL find out anything that is hidden from me?

* * *

**Harry Potter** and **Rubeus Hagrid** are now friends with **Griphook**.

**Harry Potter** What's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite? (sent from mobile)

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Don't ask me any questions, I'm going to be sick!

**Harry Potter**: This status wasn't directed towards you – it was toward the general public.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Stalactites an the conical deposits that form at the roof of the cave and hang downward, while stalagmites are those that form on the bottom of the cave and grow upward, as water drips down from above.

**Harry Potter**: Who the fuck are you?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Sorry, I stalk Facebook profiles and I rub my intelligence in other peoples' faces. Want to be Facebook friends?

**Harry Potter**: Is that a serious question? No!

* * *

**Harry Potter** IS FUCKING LOADED, HOLY FUCKING SHIT! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** thinks goblins can be a bit nasty… (sent from mobile)

(**Griphook **likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** has been left alone in a foreign street so **Rubeus Hagrid** could get a drink…how is any of this okay? (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter** has just met the most unpleasant fellow in "Madame Malkin's." This is just for future reference to see if I ever meet him again. Hopefully not. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** sent **Harry Potter** an ice cream.

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: What the hell is Quidditch?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Oh, sorry! I keep forgetting how little you know!

**Harry Potter**: Thanks, Hagrid.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: It's a Wizard sport, kind of similar to football.

**Harry Potter**: Wait, do you mean football…as in the English sport? Or the American?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: English football!

**Harry Potter**:'Kay, just making sure. Go on.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Meh, it's complicated. It has some balls, and people score goals.

**Harry Potter**: You really can't give me any more information on the subject?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Time to get your schoolbooks!

**Harry Potter**: Oh my God…

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** sent **Harry Potter** a snowy owl.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Thank you SO much, Hagrid! This is the only decent present I've ever received!

**Rubeus Hagrid**: No problem. Don't expect you've received a lot of presents from the Dursleys.

**Harry Potter**: Do you recall the mentioned coat hanger and old socks?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Yeah…no need to thank me, really.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is really excited to get his wand! (sent from mobile)

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** and **Mr. Ollivander** are now friends.

**Mr. Ollivander** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: You have your mother's eyes! It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wand: ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wand for charm work.

**Harry Potter:** Lily's Eyes Comment Count: 2. And I really don't know how I'm supposed to respond to that. Is it supposed to have some deep, underlying meaning?

**Mr. Ollivander**: Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wand. Eleven inches. Pliable. A little more power and excellent for transfiguration.

**Harry Potter**: Again, not sure how to respond to that.

* * *

**Mr. Ollivander** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Sorry, by the way, I'm responsible for selling the wand that gave you that horrific scar and killing your parents.

**Harry Potter**: Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to give that obviously insane asshole a wand? Didn't he show psychotic tendencies at the age of eleven?

* * *

**Mr. Ollivander** is very suspicious of **Rubeus Hagrid**.

**Harry Potter** has never held so many sticks in his life. (sent from mobile)

**Dudley Dursley**: That's what she said.

**Harry Potter**:Really, Dudley? You don't even know what the hell I'm doing. You can't comment on any of my statuses that pertain to magic. Douche.

* * *

**Mr. Ollivander **sent **Harry Potter** a wand.

**Harry Potter** now has a wand! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Don't worry about your international celebrity status – just be yourself! Everything will work out just fine.

**Harry Potter**: You really don't know how irritating it all is – it's going to be rather difficult "being myself." These people expect the world from an eleven-year-old boy!

**Rubeus Hagrid **sent **Harry Potter** a ticket.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Wait, you're leaving me at the Dursleys for another month? You saw for yourself how they abuse me!

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Sorry, gotta go! Give Dumbledore the top-secret object from the vault! Tootles xoxox.

* * *

Chapter Six

**Harry Potter** FML – I have to live with the Dursleys for another month.

**Vernon Dursley**:BE GRATEFUL WE'LL EVEN STILL HAVE YOU. Because of you, our home was defaced with letters, not to mention, when you left the shack with your giant oaf of a friend, you shot us all two middle fingers.

**Harry Potter**:Yes, the only act of rebellion in my ten years of living in your house was a rude gesture as I left towards the one glimmer of hope in my entire life. Yeah, I've really disrespected you.

**Dudley Dursley**:As always, fuck you, Harry. These past few days without you have been the best days of my life. I even gained a grain of respect back for my father.

**Harry Potter**:I have been gone for a single day, dumbass.

**Dudley Dursley**:To be honest, even a moment of bliss without you feels like _years_.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is starting to feel invisible. For some reason, this is worse than being constantly despised by the Dursleys.

**Vernon Dursley**:Who are you?

**Harry Potter**:YOU KNOW WHO I AM.

**Vernon Dursley**: Potter? Doesn't ring a bell.

**Petunia Dursley**:Hehe (:

**Vernon Dursley**:Fix me a brandy, will you dear?

**Petunia Dursley**:I'm on it!

**Harry Potter**:NO. YOU WILL NOT USE MY STATUS TO FUEL YOUR RAMPANT ALCOHOLISM.

**Vernon Dursley**:Thanks. Life is so much better when we ignore…what's his name.

**Harry Potter**:RAWR!

* * *

**Harry Potter **and **Hedwig the Owl **are now friends.

**Harry Potter** added "hanging with Hedwig" to their interests.

(**Hedwig** **the Owl** likes this.)

**Harry Potter **removed "communicating with other human life-forms" from their interests.

(**Hedwig the Owl** likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:Alright, Hed, now you're totally rubbing it in.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Meep.

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, Hedwig, I get it. Enough.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Meep meep…

**Harry Potter**:Do owls even make that sound?

**Hedwig the Owl**:I'M A FUCKING OWL, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU. JUST FUCK YOU. I CAN MAKE WHATEVER FUCKING NOISES I WANT – YOU'RE AN ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY AND YOUR ONLY FRIEND IS AN OWL.

**Harry Potter**:Wow…I was…not at all expecting that reaction.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Punk-ass bitch…

* * *

**Dudley Dursley **Haha. The orphan who will be living in my house for the next month can't even keep an owl as his friend. ROTFLMAO!

(**Vernon Dursley**, **Petunia Dursley**, **Hedwig the Owl**, and** 6 others** like this.)

**Harry Potter**:FML.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Meep :P

* * *

**Harry Potter **became a fan of Hogwarts, A History.

(**Hermione Jean Granger **likes this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger**:WISH THERE WAS A LOVE IT OPTION! OMFG, I'M SO GLAD I'VE DISCOVERED ANOTHER HAH FAN!1!11!11! lolzzz

**Harry Potter **is no longer a fan of Hogwarts, A History.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is nervous about asking his uncle about a lift to the train...anyone available to give me a ride?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I AM.

**Harry Potter**:Oh…never mind I just asked him! Don't need a ride anymore…heh…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Maybe we'll meet on the train!

**Harry Potter**:Um…maybe…maybe not.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Well, there's a very probable chance we're going to meet, whether it is on the train or not. I shouldn't have said "maybe," because the fact is it's almost _definite _that we will. The train isn't that large and we're both First Years.

* * *

**Harry Potter**is annoyed that the only person he knows going to Hogwarts is clearly a very arrogant, very intelligent, very annoying girl.

**Dudley Dursley**:Take what you can get, buddy. If you remember, your pet owl is THIS CLOSE to de-friending you.

**Vernon Dursley**:Hahahaha.

* * *

**Dudley Dursley **is off getting his tail removed…if you make fun of me, I'll hit you with my Smeltings stick.

**Harry Potter**:If you don't want anyone to make fun of you, why are you positing it as your status for all to see?

**Dudley Dursley**:I'm sorry, you've lived with me for ten years (as you so often LOVE to remind us)…don't you already know that I love attention?

**Harry Potter**:Right…

* * *

**Harry Potter** IS SO FUCKING EXCITED TO GO TO HOGWARTS.

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**, **Rubeus Hagrid**, and **Hermione Jean Granger** like this.)

**Harry Potter** IS ON THE WAY TO KING'S CROSS. (sent from mobile)

(**Hermione Jean Granger **likes this.)

* * *

**Dudley Dursley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: HAHAHAHA PLATFORM 9 ¾! WHAT A CROCK.

(**Petunia Dursley** and **Vernon Dursley** like this.)

**Harry Potter**: Fuck you.

* * *

**Harry Potter** Anyone mind helping me? Where is Platform 9 ¾? (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**:Never mind, just eavesdropped on a wizard family – I'm going to stalk them.

* * *

**Harry Potter** and **Molly Weasley** are now friends.

**Molly Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Check my friends list for my son, Ron, it's his first year at Hogwarts, too!

**Harry Potter**: Will do…just mind explaining to me how to get onto the platform?

**Molly Weasley**: Just walk straight at the barrier between platforms nine and ten.

**Harry Potter**: Well, that sounds dangerous…

* * *

**Harry Potter** Made it onto the platform! (sent from mobile)

**George Weasley** and **Fred Weasley** are now friends with **Harry Potter**.

**Fred Weasley** wrote on **Molly Weasley**'s wall: MUM guess who we just met! HARRY POTTER.

**Harry Potter**: I'm within the area, you know?

**Ginny Weasley**:Can I MEET him?

**Molly Weasley**: He's not to be oggle at in a zoo!

**Harry Potter**: Thanks, Mrs. Weasley, for having my back.

* * *

**Harry Potter** and **Ronald Weasley** are now friends.

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: OMFGZ! UR HARRY POTTER?

** Harry Potter**:Well…yes. You didn't realize that when I friended you?

**Ronald Weasley**:HUZZAH! UH…IDK…IDK! I CAN'T THINK I'M SO EFFING EXCITED!

**Harry Potter**:lol…

* * *

**Harry Potter **thinks this ginger kid is pretty funny. Is he joking around or is he really dense? Either way, I think we're gonna be besties. (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley **likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: I very much enjoy your life, Ron. It seems much more interesting than mine.

**Ronald Weasley**:Wow…you have a lot to learn. I'm one of seven children. My life sucks.

**Harry Potter**:I spent the past ten years of my life living in a cupboard while my only living family members tortured, mocked, and abused me…

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh.

**Harry Potter**:Yeah…

**Ronald Wealey**:Awkward.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **is starting to feel a lot better about his life. (sent from mobile)

(**Harry Potter **likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter **finds **Ronald Weasley**'s pet rat, Scabbers, suspicious. Paranoid? Maybe. I'm just putting this on my status for future reference, in case something totally weird happens & this means something…if anything. (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**:Hey!

* * *

**Harry Potter **Also…what's the deal with this whole "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" shit? Seriously, aren't we giving him power by fearing his NAME? Am I right or am I right? (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**:Hold your tongue!

* * *

**Harry Potter **OH SHIT – CANDY! (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**:Um…I fear that you won't be exactly used to "wizard" candy, mate…but I am if you want to, you know, make a donation ^_^

**Harry Potter**:Oh shit…I'll take the lot!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **is not a fan of corned beef – especially DRY corned beef, MUM. I know there's five of us but SHIT, get it together. (sent from mobile)

**Molly Weasley**: You ungrateful little…

**Ronald Weasley**:Sorry, Mum. Your dried corned beef is scrumptious.

**Molly Weasley**:That's my boy.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: If you saw those comments…they were lies. Just in case you were thinking about not sharing the literal POUNDS of candy you just purchased because you honestly believe I'm content with corned beef shit.

**Harry Potter**:I wouldn't dream of keeping candy from you, Ron.

**Ronald Weasley**:Thanks, mate.

* * *

**Harry Potter **became a fan of Chocolate Frogs.

**Harry Potter **wonders why Dumbledore totez just disappeared from his Chocolate Frog Card. Weird! (sent from mobile)

**Dudley Dursley**:You just found out you're a fucking wizard and THIS is what surprises you?

**Harry Potter**:Get the fuck out of here, Diddykins.

**Dudley Dursley**:Pothead.

**Ronald Weasley**:Who is this kid?

** Harry Potter**:No one. A fat piece of shit.

**Dudley Dursley**:What am I, Pothead? No one or a fat piece of shit?

**Harry Potter**:God damnit, Dudley, I said get! Git!

**Dudley Dursley**:Ohh I'm so scared of you. I'm so scared of you and your lover Ronnie and your magic school. Shit.

**Harry Potter**:You should be scared. I could hex you…right, Ron?

**Ronald Weasley**:Heck if I know. I can't even manage to turn Scabbers yellow.

* * *

**Harry Potter **added "booger-flavored Every Flavor Beans" to their interests.

**Neville Longbottom **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Hey, have you seen a frog?

** Harry Potter**:Neville? You're a wizard, too?

**Neville Longbottom**:Oh…er-yes.

**Harry Potter**:But we've been Facebook friends for months. You never mentioned that you knew who I was.

**Dudley Dursley**:Wow, way to be an arrogant prick, Pothead. Not everyone knows who you are.

**Ronald Weasley**:No, they do. We all do. Everyone.

**Dudley Dursley**:Shut up, ginger.

**Ronald Weasley**:How the fuck do you know the color of my hair?

**Dudley Dursley**:Um…I've been…you know, catching up on Pothead's status updates.

**Harry Potter**:I KNEW IT! This Facebook application that tracks the views on your page TOTALLY WORKS!

**Harry Potter **is now using the application Track Your Facebook for Stalkers!.

**Ronald Weasley **and **Neville Longbottom **are now friends.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: HI! See, I told you we were bound to meet on the train! How spectacular! You've seen a toad? Neville lost one. Oh, yeah, and I'm very bossy. Just thought you should know in advance.

**Harry Potter**: Shit…and no.

**Ronald Weasley**:You know her already! She looks obnoxious. Also, she has bushy hair.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:And you are…? You're doing magic? Let's see.

**Ronald Weasley**: What the…?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Wow. You're terrible at magic. How are you even a wizard? Nobody in my family is magic at all, and I'm the very best already, I see!

**Hermione Jean Granger **and **Ronald Weasley **are now friends.

**Ronald Weasley **is severely upset about having to accept **Hermione Jean Granger **as a friend. Whatever house I'm in, I hope she's not in it. She's rude, annoying, condescending, and pretty unfortunate looking.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Excuse me? You aren't so pretty yourself.

**Ronald Weasley**: Yeah, okay. I'm adorable. Don't need you to recognize that, it's true. By the way, Harry and I both think you're totally creepy right now.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: I can see we're going to have a very interesting, tension-filled relationship.

**Ronald Weasley**: Yeah, whatever, Granger. Listen, I really, _truly _couldn't give a shit. I was perfectly content shoving candy down my throat before you showed up and forced me to question my place in the wizarding world and the fact that I might be totally suckish at magic. Thanks for that. Really.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: I will never apologize for being myself.

**Ronald Weasley**: Yeah, well I expect you'll be very, very lonely then, Granger. Have fun.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: So, now that that bitch is gone, what's your Quidditch team?

**Harry Potter**: Um…I don't know any. I don't know if I mentioned this, BUT I WAS COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF BEING A WIZARD AND THE ENTIRE MAGICAL WORLD IN GENERAL UP UNTIL ONE MONTH AGO.

**Ronald Weasley**: Oh, right. Heh.

**Dudley Dursley**: Seriously, Harry? This is your boyfriend? You couldn't find anyone better?

**Harry Potter**: DUDLEY, STFU!

**Dudley Dursley**: Oooh, a little too sensitive, are we? Methinks you protesteth too much ;)

**Harry Potter**: Oh my goodness. You are so insufferable.

**Dudley Dursley**: I'm going to play video games and watch television and eat, simultaneously. Bye.

**Harry Potter**: You'll be ever so missed, fattie.

**Dudley Dursley**: Ooh, that hurt. I'm paining right now. Ouch. As if I'm _trying _to be thin. This is part of my image.

**Harry Potter**: Fat bastard just like your father…

**Dudley Dursley **joined the group Young boys with fat bastard fathers and eating disorders.

* * *

**Harry Potter **and** Ronald Weasley** are now friends with **Draco Malfoy**, **Crabbe**, and **Goyle**.

**Ronald Weasley **thinks that the name "Draco Malfoy" is funny. Who's with me? (sent from mobile)

(**Harry Potter**, **Hermione Jean Granger**, **Neville Longbottom**, and **Crabbe **like this.)

**Goyle**:I always knew you were disloyal, Crabbe.

**Crabbe**:It's called having a sense of humor, you twat.

**Draco Malfoy**:STFU, dumbasses.

**Crabbe**:We're not stupid, Mr. Malfoy.

**Goyle**:Yes, despite popular assumptions, we're actually more intelligent than you.

**Draco Malfoy**:I'm sorry…I was under the impression that you wanted to continue living?

**Crabbe**:Er…is this a trick question?

**Draco Malfoy**:Just as I said, dumbasses.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **sent **Harry Potter **a handshake and an offer he can't refuse.

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: Hey, turns out I *can*refuse.

**Draco Malfoy**:Fuck you.

** Harry Potter**:You wanna fight?

**Draco Malfoy**:No. We want your Chocolate Frogs though.

**Ronald Weasley**:No fucking way. No one gets in between my Chocolate Frogs and me!

* * *

**Harry Potter**Wow, Ron's good-for-nothing rat just became good for something. Nice bite, buddy! Maybe you're not so bad after all. (Why do I have this creeping feeling like I'll regret saying this?) (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter **and **Ronald Weasley **became fans of Scabbers.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: What the HELL is going on in here?

**Ronald Weasley**:This is an AB conversation, so C your way out.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I didn't come here to be insulted – badly_**, **_may I add. I just wanted to tell you to put your robes on. We're nearly to Hogwarts! And stay out of trouble you two!

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh my god. Are you TRYING to be the most annoying bitch on the entire planet? What the fuck, I feel like I'm being Punked or something. You are literally so fucking annoying.

**Harry Potter**:Hey, Ron. I know she sucks, but turn it down a bit. I feel like she may be one of those…you know, suicide watches…

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh, true. I don't want to be responsible for that. Sorry.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **sent **Ronald Weasley **a piece of useless information.

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Who the fuck is she to tell me I have dirt on my nose? I'm one of _seven _children. Of course I have dirt on my nose.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is getting changed on the train to Hogwarts! Almost there, baby! (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley **likes this.)

**Dudley Dursley**:Oh my god, you guys are so fucking gay!

**Harry Potter**:I thought you were eating/video gaming/watching television…

**Dudley Dursley**:Some things you just can't ignore.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is totally at Hogwarts right now! (sent from mobile)

(**Rubeus Hagrid **likes this.)

**Rubeus Hagrid**:All right there, Harry?

**Harry Potter**:I'm stupendous!

**Dudley Dursely**:Harry, seriously. You have to give me an inch here. If you don't want me to call you homosexual, stop acting like a *flaming*homosexual. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just…own up to it for god's sake.

**Harry Potter**:Wow, I wouldn't expect you to be so tolerant of different orientations.

**Dudley Dursley**:Why don't you try giving me more credit, you fucking douche bag.

**Harry Potter**:Aaaand he's back, ladies and gents.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is literally going to shit his pants. Hogwarts is FUCKING AWESOME! (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley **and **148 others** like this.)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **is seriously stuck in a boat with **Hermione Jean Granger**? This blows. (sent from mobile)

**Hermione Jean Granger**: One day you'll appreciate me. ONE DAY.

**Ronald Weasley**: I can't tell you how much I know that's not going to happen. Ever.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Hmph.

**Ronald Weasley**: I hate you.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** and **Neville Longbottom** are now friends.

**Rubeus Hagrid **sent **Neville Longbottom **Trevor the Toad.

**Neville Longbottom **is sitting in a boat next to the great blogger: **Harry Potter**. Peeing my pants right now! AND **Rubeus Hagrid** found my toad. BEST DAY EVER. (sent from mobile)

* * *

A/N: Part II will be out shortly - this is complete, but it takes quite a bit of time to format it for FFN.

Please review! We love to hear your thoughts!

D+K


	2. Part II Ch7 to Ch10

A/N: We're glad you find this somewhat entertaining if you decided to read the second part :)

_Note - we've confirmed that Hermione's middle name is actually Jean (we could've sworn it was Jane...). However, we will edit the first part as soon as we're done posting! If there are some lingering Janes, we apologize in advance!_

Standard disclaimers apply.

* * *

Chapter Seven

**Harry Potter **and **149 others **joined the network Hogwarts '98.

**Harry Potter** and **149 others** joined the groups We go to Hogwarts, bitch, Hogwarts Class of 1998.

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on Hogwarts Class of 1998's wall: Welcome to Hogwarts. Before we provide you with food, since I know you haven't eaten a proper meal since the morning (honestly, why doesn't the Hogwarts Express provide lunch? Candy is not an acceptable substitute!), you will have to be sorted into your houses. Your house is like your family. You will spend every waking and sleeping moment with these people, so you better get along. The houses are listed as follows: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin (the last house was written with disdain – I AM the Head of Gryffindor, after all). Triumphs = earned points, rule-breaking = lost points. The house with the most points gets the House Cup, the greatest honor. I suggest you all smarten yourselves up as much as you can while you wait for me to come back to get you for the sorting. I'm specifically calling out the ginger with the dirt on his nose and the dolt whose cloak is fastened under his left ear. If you two are in my house, I will contemplate retiring.

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: SEE! I TOLD YOU. YOU SHOULD'VE LISTENED TO ME. Now Professor McGonagall is going to harbor a secret hatred for you for the next seven years of your life.

**Ronald Weasley**: Just so you know, I don't harbor a secret hatred for you – IT'S PRETTY OUT THERE. FUCK YOU.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: How exactly do they sort us into houses?

**Fred Weasley**: It's a test. And it hurts. A LOT. Half of you won't survive.

**Ronald Weasley**: YOU'RE LYING. I'M TELLING MUM.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is rather concerned about the sorting. (sent from mobile)

**Hermione Jean Granger:** Well I most certainly am not. I've already learned spells from Fourth Year.

**Harry Potter**:No one likes a know-it-all, you annoying bitch!

**Ronald Weasley**: HOW DO YOUR PARENTS LOVE YOU?

**

* * *

**

**Harry Potter** GHOSTS! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on Hogwarts Class of 1998's wall: Alright, we're ready for you now. Follow me in an ORDERLY FASHION.

* * *

**Harry Potter** Whoa, the Great Hall is wicked cool. (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley** and **148 others** like this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger**: The ceiling is bewitched to look like the sky outside. I read about it in HAH.

**Harry Potter**: I knew that since I skimmed through _Hogwarts, A History_. Don't act like this is a piece of information given to you by the grace of god. It's easily accessible.

* * *

**Hogwarts Sorting Hat** wrote on Hogwarts Class of 1998's wall: HEEEEYYYY, ALL YOU FLY MOTHAFUCKAAAAS. THIS IS HOW IT'S GONNA GO DOWN: I'M GONNA GO ON YO HEAD, PUTCHA IN A HOUSE, AND YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT. GOT IT?

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: THANK THE FUCKING LORD –for all intents and purposes, we just have to try on a baseball hat.

**Hogwarts Sorting Hat**: BITCH, Imma pop a cap in yo ass! I ain't no fuckin' baseball hat!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Fred Weasley**'s wall: YOU'RE SUCH A BASTARD. Wrestling a troll? Seriously?

**Fred Weasley**: Hehe.

* * *

**Harry Potter** really doesn't feel brave or quick-witted at all – is there a house for people who feel nauseous? (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley **and **Neville Longbottom** like this.)

* * *

**Hogwarts Sorting Hat** wrote on **Hannah Abbott**'s wall: HUFFLEPUFF!

20 more similar stories

**Hogwarts Sorting Hat** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: GRYFFINDOR!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: THANK YOU SO MUCH.

**Ronald Weasley**: FML.

* * *

**Hogwarts Sorting Hat **wrote on **Neville Longbottom**'s wall: …GRYFFINDOR!

**Neville Longbottom**: Are you fucking with me?

**Hgowarts Sorting Hat**: Nah, I got my reasons. Now can you PLEASE return me to McGonny?

* * *

**Hogwarts Sorting Hat **wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: SLYTHERIN!

**Draco Malfoy**: I didn't need YOU to tell me that, bitch.

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: You're next.

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**, **Minerva McGonagall**, and **1,060 others** like this.)

**Harry Potter**: Why are YOU all so bloody interested?

**Ronald Weasley**: Come on, mate, you're Harry-freaking-Potter! You destroyed the most evil person in the last century. You're the closest thing to a celebrity in this world.

* * *

**Hogwarts Sorting Hat** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Hmm…you a hard one to place, my friend. You got many qualities from many cribs…

**Harry Potter**: Please don't put me in Slytherin. That Draco Malfoy is a pisser and a half. In a bad way.

**Hogwarts Sorting Hat**: It is a rather fitting house for you…

**Harry Potter**: Please, I'd rather not.

* * *

**Hogwarts Sorting Hat **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: GRYFFINDOR!

**Harry Potter**: Thanks, mate!

**Hogwarts Sorting Hat**: No prob, homie. Keep it real.

* * *

**Hogwarts Sorting Hat** and **Harry Potter** are now friends.

**Percy Weasley** and **Harry Potter** are now friends.

* * *

**George Weasley** WE GOT POTTER!

(**Fred Weasley** and **220 others** like this.)

* * *

**Hogwarts Sorting Hat **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: GRYFFINDOR!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** of course is stuck in the house with the most annoying girl ever born! But at least he's with his BFF **Harry Potter**!

(**Harry Potter** likes this.)

* * *

**Percy Weasley** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Well done, Ron, excellent.

**Ronald Weasley**: You're such a pompous asshole.

* * *

**Harry Potter** and **36 others** joined the groups Gryffindor Class of 1998, GRYFFINDOR HOUSE!

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Welcome, everyone, to a new year at Hogwarts! Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

* * *

**Harry Potter **wonders if **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **is a bit mad.

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** likes this.)

**Percy Weasley**: FYI, he's a genius! Best wizard in the world!

**Harry Potter**: Admit, he's a bit of a tosser.

**Percy Weasley**: …Sort of.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is in complete awe! Food bloomed on the plates! I will be eating like a king for the first time in my life!

**Dudley** **Dursley**: What kind of food?

**Harry Potter**: YOU can't eat any! NAHNAHNAHNAHNAH.

**Dudley Dursley**: GO TO HELL.

* * *

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington** and **Harry Potter** are now friends.

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Heyyo! I'm the resident ghost of the Gryffindor Tower!

**Harry Potter**: Very cool. Nice to meet you.

**Ronald Weasley**: Hey! You're Nearly Headless Nick, right?

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**:I would *prefer* you to call me by my proper name, you tactless ginger.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: *Nearly* Headless? How can you be *nearly* headless?

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**:Wow, you're certainly an annoying girl. I'm very disappointed in the Hogwarts Sorting Hat for placing you in my house.

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington** and **Hogwarts Sorting Hat** are no longer friends.

* * *

**Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington **wrote on Gryffindor Class of 1998's wall: So, new Gryffindors – you better help us win the House Cup – we can't let those Slytherins win for seven fucking years in a row!

* * *

**Harry Potter** and **Seamus Finnigan **are now friends.

**Percy Weasley** and **Hermione Jean Granger** are now friends.

**Ronald Weasley**: Oh shit, this is not a good friendship.

* * *

**Harry Potter** was just on the receiving end of a nasty stink eye and now his scar hurts! Who the hell is the professor with the greasy black hair, a hooked nose, and sallow skin?

**Percy Weasley**: That's Professor Snape, he teaches Potions, even though he really wants Quirrell's job. Very familiar with the Dark Arts.

**Harry Potter**: Sounds very suspicious.

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Alright, now that you've been fed and watered, and you're too full to move, you're going to listen to my start-of-term announcements, 'kay? Cool. FIRST YEARS – the forest on the grounds is forbidden to _everyone_, and some of the older years should be reminded of that as well *COUGH*FREDANDGEORGE*COUGH* Also, passing on this message from Mr. Filch: no magic in the corridors between classes, even though most of you will ignore this rule. Quidditch trials will be held in the second week of term – contact Madam Hooch for more deets. Oh, and most important: the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone…unless you want to get brutally killed.

**Harry Potter** wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: HAHAHA, oh Prof. Dumbledore, you're such a kidder.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: NOW LET'S SING THE SCHOOL SONG!

* * *

**Harry Potter** has a feeling that this school song will only be sung once in his entire stay at Hogwarts…

(**Ronald Weasley** and **147 others** like this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger**: This is a Hogwarts tradition! Of course it will be sung every year!

**Ronald Weasley**: Of course you would be the one person in our year that wouldn't like this comment…

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **Music = a magic beyond all we do here!

(**Filius Flitwick** likes this.)

* * *

**Percy Weasley** wrote on Gryffindor Class of 1998's wall: Follow me and KEEP UP.

**Harry Potter **should probably pay more attention to where he's going, but he's just so tired and full. He's definitely going to regret this in the morning. (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley** and **Neville Longbottom **like this.)

**Harry Potter** thinks he had a really strange dream that was definitely foreshadowing of the year to come, but he's conveniently forgotten about it!

* * *

Chapter Eight

**Seamus Finnigan **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Spotted: Harry-fucking-Potter walking to Potions xoxo.

(**Neville Longbottom**, **Hermione Jean Granger**, **Ronald Weasley**, and **147 others** like this.)

**Dean Thomas**:I think I see him!

**Seamus Finnigan**:He's next to the tall kid with the red hair.

**Dean Thomas**:GOT HIM. Awesome.

**Ronald Weasley**:Why do I feel like I will forever live my life as "the tall kid with the red hair next to Harry Potter?"

**Seamus Finnigan**:Yeah, you see? He's got glasses.

**Dean Thomas**:Yep…did you see his SCAR!

**Ronald Weasley**:Fan-fucking-tastic.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You'll always be Ronald Weasley to me.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, that's not the sort of comfort I need right now, crazy.

* * *

**Harry Potter **honestly wants these whispers to stop. It's fucking distracting! I'm trying to find my way to my classes, people! (sent from mobile)

**Dudley Dursley**:Schizo now, huh, Pothead? Heh.

**Harry Potter**:I don't need this, Dudley. My tummy feels all scared and shit.

**Dudley Dursley**:Grow a pair, Pothead.

**Harry Potter**:Grow a brain.

**Dudley Dursley**:Real original, nerd. I'm gonna go back to eating my chocolate covered bacon.

**Harry Potter**:Why does that not surprise me in the slightest?

**Dudley Dursley**:Cause it's the breakfast of fucking champions, bitch!

* * *

**Dudley Dursley **became a fan of chocolate covered bacon for breakfast.

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on Young boys with fat bastard fathers and eating disorders' wall: Fucking fat bastard dad tried to steal some of my chocolate covered bacon. Now I feel like sticking my fingers down my throat…advice?

* * *

**Harry Potter **Wow! There are 142 staircases at Hogwarts! They've got wide ones and sweeping ones and narrow ones and rickety ones! Some that lead places on Friday, some with vanishing steps halfway up so you have to jump!

**Harry Potter**:Wait…why do I feel like I'm trapped in a Dr. Seuss book?

**Ronald Weasley**:Who's Dr. Seuss? (Let me clarify, I'm asking Harry, not giving you an excuse to flaunt your disgusting intellect, GRANGER.)

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I don't really give a shit and I will flaunt my intellect for all of the world to see whenever I choose. Theodor Seuss Geisel was an American writer and cartoonist most widely known for his children's books, written under the pen names Dr. Seuss, Theo LeSieg, and even Rosetta Stone! He published over 60 children's books, which were often characterized by imaginative characters, rhyme, and the trisyllabic meter. The book I think Harry is trying to refer to is One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish…you know, with the repetitive way in which he lists the types of stairs that exist here?

**Ronald Weasley**:How does it make you feel that I read absolutely none of that?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I don't care. As long as everyone looks at my Facebook Page one day and sees long paragraphs of useless information, and they look at each other and go "hey, that girl must be intelligent," well then, I've lived my life to its fullest capacity.

**Ronald Weasley**:As usual, fuck you, you spoiled only child.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You're just jealous that I had, have, and will always have my parents full attention. It is the way that I was taught to walk, talk, and read at the tender age of 3 months.

**Ronald Weasley**:First of all, the fact that you have literally been talking, non-stop, for that amount of time is disgusting to me. Picturing a three-month-old baby with a full head of frizzy, bush-like hair, spouting useless, garbled nonsense is literally making me want to vomit. Second of all, five is a perfectly normal time to begin speaking.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **thinks that **Ronald Weasley** is just sad because he only started talking six years ago ): I will have to teach him to read myself!

**Ronald Weasley**:And why do you assume that I don't know how to read? I'm reading your comments, aren't I?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:So you're still pretending that you don't force Harry to read everything to you?

**Ronald Weasley**: …Yes.

* * *

**Harry Potter **and **Peeves the Poltergeist** are now friends.

**Harry Potter**:RELUCTANTLY!

* * *

**Peeves the Poltergeist **has added "dropping wastepaper baskets on Harry Potter's head," "pulling rugs out from underneath Harry Potter," "pelting Harry Potter with chalk," and "thieving Harry Potter's nose" to his interests.

**Harry Potter **fuck this shit – Peeves stole my nose again. If any fellow Gryffindors see it, please return it to the Gryffindor Common Room and I'll pick it up later…ugh, so embarrassing! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** and **Ronald Weasley** are now friends with **Argus Filch**.

**Argus Filch **is getting too old for this shit.

**Mrs. Norris**:What's the problem, dear?

**Argus Filch**:Oh, you know…stupid kids claiming they're "lost," meanwhile, I totez realize that they're trying to break into the OUT-OF-BOUNDS THIRD CORRIDOR. You fucking kids…one day I'm going to skin you all alive and feast on your mangled remains.

**Mrs. Norris**:Mmm tasty.

**Argus Filch**:I know! One day, my love.

**Mrs. Norris**:That literally sounds like the most wonderful thing ever. I'd love it if we could just live together in this big castle, my sweet. We could keep the leftover children in a cooling receptacle for later!

**Argus Filch**:Absolutely. Right now I don't have the energy, but I swear we'll do this tomorrow.

**Mrs. Norris**:I'm pouting, honey bunch. You say that every day.

**Argus Filch**: Well, it's really the only way I can make it through the day, if you get what I mean.

**Mrs. Norris**:Understandable.

* * *

**Argus Filch **added "cannibalism" to their interests.

(**Mrs. Norris**, **Vernon Dursley**, and **Dudley Dursley **like this.)

**Harry Potter**:Are you serious? I thought I left this shit behind with the Dursleys!

* * *

**Harry Potter **hates to say this, but I would like to give Mrs. Norris a good kick!

(**Ronald Weasley **and **1,048 others **like this.)

* * *

**Mrs. Norris **wants **Harry Potter **to know this – she's watching you, punk-ass bitch. You step out of line for ONE second and I'm literally going TO EAT YOU. I mean it. I don't have any qualms with eating children. I used to do it all the time but then Filch helped me to see I could have a better life than that of a skanky, rabie-filled alley cat hiding out in dark trashcans, waiting for her next victim.

(**Argus Filch **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:FML…

* * *

**Harry Potter **is quickly learning there's more to magic than waving your wand and saying a few funny words, y'all!

**Dudley Dursley**:No shit. Even I knew that. If that were true, I could fucking do it. And guess what? I DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKING SHITTY MAGIC. Chocolate covered bacon is all the magic I need.

* * *

**Harry Potter **and **Cuthbert Binns **are now friends.

**Harry Potter **OMGZ. History of Magic is a snorefest. (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley **likes this.)

**Cuthbert Binns**: Heeeeyyyy….what did I ever do to you, siiiir…

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh my sweet Jesus. You even sound boring through text.

**Harry Potter**:Seriously. And I feel like nobody has even fucking told him he's a ghost. He just got up to work one morning after DYING IN FRONT OF THE STAFF ROOM FIRE. I mean, I always thought ghosts were only here to finish things they hadn't in their life…?

**Ronald Weasley**:So that means this guy's fucking life purpose is to teach History of Magic for fucking infinity.

**Harry Potter**:Basically. His work will never end.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Don't listen to the nasty boys, Professor! You're a wonderful educator!

**Cuthbert Binns**:Um, no. Acutally, I'm not. I literally have no purpose in my life anymore. I just get up and go to work and go back to sleep. Sometimes I fall asleep while I'm talking. Even I'm fucking bored.

* * *

**Harry Potter **and **Filius Flitwick **are now friends.

**Filius Flitwick **just pissed my pants. **Harry Potter**'s in my Charms class! BOO-YA!

**Harry Potter**:Seriously?

* * *

**Harry Potter **and **149 others **joined the group We're shitting ourselves – McGonagall's fucking scary!.

**Minerva McGonagall **Listen, cry-babies! This is literally the most difficult class you will take all year. If you mess around, I WILL send your asses to Dumbledore. And you don't want to deal with him; he's going senile already. Actually, he's BEEN senile for decades. So have fun with that. Also, if you get sent away, you're NEVER coming back. Deal with it.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Er…could we possibly get in trouble for being _too _smart? I'm just checking.

**Ronald Weasley**:Fuck you.

**Minerva McGonagall**:As much as it pains me to agree with you, I second that, Weasley. Granger, the fact that I realize that was a serious question makes it that much worse. You're lucky I don't send you out of my class for that kind of bullshit.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **was just bitched out by **Minerva McGonagall **BUT she was also the only one to successfully change her match into a needle!

**Minerva McGonagall **sent **Hermione Jean Granger **a rare smile.

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: You better appreciate that, bitch.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Oh, I do! I do, I do, I do!

**Minerva McGonagall**:Shut it.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Yes, Professor!

**Ronald Weasley**:Suck-up…

**Minerva McGonagall**:And you may shut it as well, Weasley.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yes, Professor!

* * *

**Harry Potter **is NOT trusting this bullshit story about an African Prince and a troublesome zombie…you got something VILE hiding in that turban, **Quirinus Quirrell**, and it ain't garlic.

**Quirinus Quirrell**:W-w-w-w-w-whatev-ev-ever d-d-do you mean, b-boy? Isn't the w-w-weather n-ni-ni-nice t-today?

**Harry Potter**:And there he goes again with the weather talk. You do know everyone realizes you're TRYING to change the subject?

**Quirinus Quirrell**:H-h-hmmm? I-it's s-s-so b-b-br-bright and s-s-sunny!

**Harry Potter**:I'm watching you, bitch.

**Harry Potter **added "watching Quirrell" to their interests.

(**Fred Weasley **and **George Weasley **like this.)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** has DOUBLE POTIONS today with SNAPE! GAG!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Hey, don't make snap judgments.

**Ronald Weasley**:Watch out or I'll snap your neck.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Meep!

**Hedwig the Owl**:Meep meep!

**Harry Potter**:Hedwig, owls don't even make that fucking noise, as I've pointed out to you numerous times. Nobody knows what the fuck you're saying.

* * *

**Hermione Jane Granger **added "speaking to Hedwig the Owl in my spare time" to their interests.

(**Hedwig the Owl **likes this.)

* * *

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Hey, so do you want your mail, douche bag?

**Harry Potter**:Yes, obviously. That's your purpose.

**Hedwig the Owl **sent **Harry Potter **a letter from Hagrid.

* * *

**Hedwig the Owl **added "finding a way to murder Harry Potter" to their interests.

**Harry Potter**:Well, isn't that sweet.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Meep – that's owl for fuck you, you fucking dip shit. Find a way to grow wings and fly your shitty letters back and forth to NO ONE, cause nobody fucking gives a shit you whiny little brat.

**Harry Potter**:O_O

**Hedwig the Owl**:Yeah, I went there. Oh, and I'm fucking Mrs. Norris.

**Harry Potter**:How is that even POSSIBLE?

**Hedwig the Owl**:Why don't you just keep that image in your mind forever and try to figure it out yourself? Give me your fucking response, okay?

**Harry Potter**:Heh. That's funny, you still have to serve me. Tell Hagrid I would *love*to see him later on!

**Hedwig the Owl**:Oh? You want me to shit on Hagrid?

**Harry Potter**:NO! HEDWIG, I COMMAND YOU TO LISTEN TO ME!

**Hedwig the Owl**:What? Sorry, I can't hear you, I'm too busy fucking Mrs. Norris.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Hagrid, I would love to see you later on, please. I'm sorry I can't respond in letter, but Hedwig and I got into a bit of an argument and let's just say things got really crass. I'm not sure we're ever going to be on speaking terms again. He said a lot of…unforgiveable things.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Really? SHE seemed really pleasant to me. Hedwig is a girl…

**Harry Potter**:Are you shitting me?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:No, definitely a girl.

**Harry Potter**:I literally have always thought she was a boy.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Well, she's definitely a lesbian. Her and Mrs. Norris have had relations.

**Harry Potter**:Uh, you know about this?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Of course, I help them sneak around Filch. He has no idea.

**Harry Potter**:Wow, you are…way too involved with the affairs of animals.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:They pay me pretty well.

**Harry Potter**:Interesting. Won't Filch see this on Facebook?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Shit…

* * *

**Argus Filch **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF SHIT OAF?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Hey, this ain't my problem. Take it up with your old lady.

**Argus Filch**:SHIT!

* * *

**Argus Filch **is no longer in a relationship.

**Mrs. Norris**:Wtf?

**Argus Filch**:You think I'm a fucking moron, Betty? You think I'm a FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT? I'm a human being. I have FEELINGS. We had BIG PLANS.

**Mrs. Norris**:WE STILL DO!

**Argus Filch**:No, we don't, bitch! You ruined what we had, you ruined all of our plans, when you chose to sleep with that skanky ho Hedwig.

**Harry Potter**:Excuse me? No. That's my fucking best friend you're talking about.

**Ronald Weasley**:Huh?

**Harry Potter**:Sorry, Ron, I meant my best friend that shits on others for sport.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yes?

**Harry Potter**:Um…okay. I think that we all just have to stop right now because things are getting out of hand. We're all finding out things we never wanted to know. EVER.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Am I really your best friend?

**Harry Potter**:Well, I'm running out of characteristics to separate you and Ron. But yes, you are very important to be Hedwig. I'm sorry I disrespected you. You can also sleep with whomever you please.

**Argus Filch**:EXCEPT MY WOMAN.

**Harry Potter**:Okay, Filch? Listen…maybe it doesn't make sense for an owl and a cat to have "relations," but it's even…more mind-boggling for a human and a cat. It's just…it's literally not possible.

**Argus Filch**:To hell it isn't.

**Mrs. Norris**:Filch, you've constantly deluded me with fantasies of grandeur! For a life of happiness with you, where we skinned the children alive and feasted on them – together. But I realize that I'm just chasing a dream that you can never truly give me. I'm getting older, and I don't have time for this. I've found someone who can offer more than you. We're done. I'm sorry.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Let's scidaddle, babe.

**Mrs. Norris**::-*

**Argus Filch**:This is too much.

* * *

**Argus Filch **joined the group So your cat broke up with you for an owl. What now?.

* * *

**Harry Potter **has witnessed a lot of fucked up shit in his short eleven years…but this is really fucked up. The worst? Finding out what Ron does in his spare time.

(**Ronald Weasley **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:I'm really worried for Potions, by the way…to change the topic. I feel as though Snape doesn't like me.

**Ronald Weasley**:No, he HATES you.

**Harry Potter**:Thanks for the support.

**Ronald Weasley**:Just speaking the truth the best way I know how.

* * *

**Severus Snape **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Ah, yes. Harry Potter. Our new…*celebrity.*

(**Draco Malfoy**, **Crabbe**, and **Goyle **like this.)

**Harry Potter**:So is there a _reason _that you say that in such a menacing manner? Because quite honestly, I'd like to get this sorted out. I don't have anything against you…I also don't think I'm a celebrity. I actually want to get through this year with the least amount of attention directed at me as _humanly possible_. Maybe we can come to an agreement?

**Severus Snape**:The _nerve_. The NERVE! Fuck you. Fuck you to hell, you dirty, rotten, stinking bastard.

**Harry Potter**:See, I kind of feel like I'm missing out on a larger dialogue…like…maybe you were affected by something in your past that directly relates to me? Genetically, perhaps?

**Severus Snape**:Nope. I just fucking hate your little shit bastard face.

**Harry Potter**:That hardly seems fair…

**Severus Snape**:THINK FAST! What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?

**Harry Potter**:Is this…some sort of prank? I'm sorry. I don't think I'm being completely clear here. I'm really sorry, by the way. But…I don't think you understand. I'm a First Year…and I really don't know anything. So…

**Severus Snape**:TUT, TUT. FAME _CLEARLY _ISN'T EVERYTHING.

**Harry Potter**:No, it definitely isn't! Wow, at least we can agree on something! LOL. I actually wish I wasn't famous! Let's work from here. Now I totally apologize for not knowing that last question but if you give me a proper length of time to study…

**Severus Snape**:Where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I KNOW! OOH! PICK ME!

**Harry Potter**:Right, I think Hermione here knows…good for something, I see…

**Severus Snape**:Wow, wow, WOW! Let's just all have a round of applause for the arrogant prick! We got ourselves a little bastard dipshit who thinks he's better than us all! You thought you wouldn't open a book ONCE before coming here?

**Harry Potter**:Well, of course I did, sir. But…I mean, I don't think I should be expected to remember every single detail, right?

**Severus Snape**:What is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:CALL ON ME! I WILL PEE MY PANTS, I SWEAR!

**Harry Potter**:See…I really do think that Hermione knows. She's like, literally pissing herself. So…I don't know, I really just don't know what to say anymore. I keep saying the same thing but it's like…you're really just not listening to me so I'm at a loss. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. It's rather disconcerting.

**Severus Snape**:You really do think you're something special, don't you? You…you run your hands through that perfectly coiffed, jet-black hair and lean back in your chair and hit on beautiful red-heads and YOU JUST NEVER GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANY OTHER HUMAN BEINGS, DO YOU? YOU JUST HEX THEM WHENEVER YOU LIKE AND YOU STEAL THEIR MAYBE-SOON-TO-BE GIRLFRIENDS AND YOU JUST LIVE YOUR LITTLE PRIVILEGED LIFE WITH YOUR LITTLE PRIVILEGED FRIENDS AND YOU NEVER HAVE A CARE IN THE WORLD!

**Harry Potter**:That…is…A LOT to take in. Wow…I am…I really don't know what to say to that. Um…there is…definitely a necessity for therapy. I don't mean that condescendingly, but it seems like you'll accuse me of that no matter what. Um…yeah. Please. I really don't know what the fuck you just said but I'm just…really frightened. Please get help. I say that so genuinely and so concernedly for your wellbeing.

**Severus Snape**:One point deducted. Go do some shit with potions while I weep at my desk.

* * *

**Neville Longbottom **oh shit…I totally added porcupine quills before taking my cauldron off the fire, spilled it all over myself, and now I've got some pretty nasty boils all over my body…I don't see how this could be misconstrued as anyone else's fault but my own.

**Severus Snape**:FUCK YOU, POTTER! SEAMUS, TAKE LONGBOTTOM TO THE NURSE! FUCKING SHIT POTTER, YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT! ONE POINT DEDUCTED!

**Neville Longbottom**:Wait…what?

** Harry Potter**:This will clearly become a continuing plotline…

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Cheer up, mate. Fred and George get in trouble all the time.

(**Fred Weasley **and **George Weasley **like this.)

**Harry Potter**:That's not exactly comforting…

**Ronald Weasley**:Can I come and visit Hagrid with you?

**Harry Potter **Of course, bestie.

* * *

**Harry Potter **We're off to see the giant, the wonderful giant of Hog. Because, because, because, becauseeeee…um, because he invited us over! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter **and **Fang **are now friends.

**Ronald Weasley **and **Rubeus Hagrid **are now friends.

**Harry Potter **and **Ronald Weasley **created the group Petition: Cooking lessons for Hagrid. But we suppose they're called rock cakes for a reason.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: So that Filch really is such an old git. Nobody should be denied the one they love – even if they are a cat and an owl.

**Harry Potter**:I totez agree.

**Ronald Weasley**:Equality for all!

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Except gingers.

**Ronald Weasley**:Excuse me?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Sorry…those are my father's opinions coming out…we really have to advance as a people.

**Ronald Weasley**:Absolutely.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:But you gingers seriously shouldn't be allowed to pro-create.

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh, your father's opinions again?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:No, I mean…you can exist and get married and shit. Just don't create more of you. It's just a waste.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **joined the group Equality for all gingers.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Anywho, I' d really like to introduce that Mrs. Norris to Fang sometime.

**Harry Potter**:Do you really think they'd get along…sexually? Hm…I guess you could let them decide.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:I was kind of hinting at introducing her to Fang's teeth.

**Harry Potter**:That's an idea, also…

* * *

**Harry Potter **wonders about this Gringott's break-in. It happened on his motherfucking birthday! How crazy is that? Imagine I totally stopped the wannabe thieves while I was there with Hagrid? But I could never manage anything that heroic… (sent from mobile)

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Never underestimate yourself.

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, okay, crazy.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **is completely ignoring Harry's questions.

**Harry Potter**:Hey, didn't you remove that grubby little package from vault 713 the day earlier THAT SAME DAY? Is that what the thieves were looking for?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:What part of ignoring you don't you understand?

**Harry Potter**:The "ignoring" part. Also the "me" part.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Fair enough.

* * *

**Harry Potter **has a lot of questions and nobody to answer them. Such is life as the great Harry Potter. JK! Lolz.

**Severus Snape**:Fuck you, you self-centered little prick.

* * *

Chapter Nine

**Harry Potter** and I thought **Dudley Dursley** was bad – **Draco Malfoy **is the biggest douche bag ever.

(**Draco Malfoy **likes this.)

**Dudley Dursley**: Wait…are you saying that you found someone who makes you MORE miserable than ME?

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, basically.

**Dudley Dursley**: DISLIKE! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN MAKE YOU MISERABLE.

**Harry Potter**: Well, it looks like you lost that title. Sucks, doesn't it? Look on the bright side: you get me all to yourself during the summer months.

**Dudley Dursley**: Hm, that does make me feel better. Thanks, Potty-head. See you in June, freak! xox

**Harry Potte****r**: ?

* * *

**Harry Potter** is really excited for flying lessons! Although couldn't Gryffindor be paired with some other house?

(**Ronald Weasley** and **35 others** like this.)

**Ronald Weasley**: Yeah, Malfoy has been going on and on about being trained by a professional Quidditch player ever since he could walk. But I'm 60% sure it's a load of talk.

**Harry Potter**: Are you for real? FML – I'm going to suck!

**Ronald Weasley**: Chin up, old sport! You may be the most amazing Quidditch player to have ever come to Hogwarts, for all we know! And let's face it, this is pretty much guaranteed since you have SO much going for you to BEGIN with.

**Harry Potter**: Do we have to go through that exercise again, Ron? Repeat: My life is better than Harry's, really. Harry wants my life. Okay?

**Ronald Weasley**: My life is better than Harry's, really. Harry wants my life.

**Harry Potter**: Make sure you repeat that every night before you go to sleep.

**Ronald Weasley**: Should I do it before or after my prayers?

**Harry Potter**: …I don't care. Just do it before bed so that it will get ingrained in your head, and then maybe we can prevent a future incident that involves us not talking due to your insane rage of jealousy over the suckage that is my life.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley**, **Draco Malfoy** and **120 others** joined the group Near-death experiences on brooms.

**Draco Malfoy** wrote on Near-death experiences on brooms's wall: So when I was two, because I was definitely flying at that age, I had gotten too high to my mother's liking, and I narrowly missed being hit by Muggles in helicopters.

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on Near-death experiences on brooms's wall: I almost hit a hang glider on my older brother Charlie's old broom!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Dean Thomas**'s wall: What's this piece of shit on our dorm wall?

**Dean Thomas**: You mean my football poster?

**Ronald Weasley**: Get that weak shit outta here!

**Dean Thomas**: That's a rather rude command – it's on the wall next to my bed, making it my space. Also, football is a great sport.

**Ronald Weasley**: MUGGLE SPORTS ARE NOT AS EXCITING AS QUIDDITCH.

**Dean Thomas**:Have you even BEEN to a Muggle sporting event? They're very fun!

**Ronald Weasley**: It just looks like they stand frozen in the middle of a field! BORING!

**Dean Thomas**: …Muggle posters can't MOVE. Normally they run around and it's much more dynamic…dipshit.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** is exceptionally nervous about flying lessons!

(**Ronald Weasley **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley**: FINALLY! Something you can't learn by heart out of a book! Suck on that, beaver-face!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: YOU CAN LEARN EVERYTHING FROM BOOKS. I REFUSE TO GIVE UP.

**Neville Longbottom**: Can you convey the information you read in books to me? I haven't been on a broomstick before.

**Harry Potter**: And for good reason – you can't even walk down a corridor without tripping on at least three different occasions.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** Har har, Potty-head hasn't received a letter today. The loser never gets mail!

**Harry Potter**: Fuck you.

* * *

**Augusta Longbottom** sent **Neville Longbottom** a Remembrall.

**Neville Longbottom** is really excited to have a Remembrall!

**Neville Longbottom**: Oh shit…it just turned red. What the hell did I forget? Any ideas?

**Draco Malfoy**: How about your brain? Oh, that's right! You never had one!

**Harry Potter**: Give Neville's Remembrall back! It's the only thing he has to stand a ghost of a chance at maybe remembering things!

**Ronald Weasley**: That's right!

**Minerva McGonagall**:What the devil is going on here?

**Draco Malfoy**: I was just looking at the Remembrall, because despite living in a pureblood household, I have never seen such a thing, let alone own hundreds of them.

**Minerva McGonagall**: That's believable, I suppose. Now run along!

* * *

**Harry Potter** and **19 others** are attending Flying Lessons!.

**Harry Potter** wrote on Flying Lessons!'s wall: Why are there only 20 of us? I thought we were doing it with everyone in our year in Gryffindor and Slytherin…I'm really confused by the number of students at this school!

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I read your comment on the event "Flying Lessons!" and I would like to say that this is a pet-peeve of mine as well – it looks as if the author of the original story is not very good at mathematics.

**Harry Potter**: Huh?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Oh, sorry, sometimes I forget that I'm the only person with the mental capability of breaking the fourth wall.

* * *

**Rolanda Hooch** wrote on Flying Lessons!'s wall: Everyone get a broom, stick your right hand over your broom and say "UP!" as loud as you can.

* * *

**Harry Potter** my broom jumped into my hand at once! Awesome! (sent from mobile)

(**4 others** like this.)

**Ronald Weasley**: I hate you.

**Harry Potter**: Actually, scratch what I said earlier: repeat, "My life is better than Harry's, really. Harry wants my life," on a regular basis.

* * *

**Rolanda Hooch** wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: You've been doing the wrong grip for years!

(**Harry Potter** and **Ronald Weasley** like this.)

**Harry Potter**:EPIC FAIL.

* * *

**Neville Longbottom** IS REALLY SCARED – HE'S FLYING AWAY. (sent from mobile)

**Rolanda Hooch**: COME BACK, BOY!

**Neville Longbottom**:I don't want to be in the air!

* * *

**Neville Longbottom** is in pain. (sent from mobile)

**Rolanda Hooch** wrote on Flying Lessons!'s wall: I'm taking this failure of a flyer to the hospital wing! You will not fly when I'm gone, or else you'll be out of Hogwarts before you can say "Quidditch." GOT IT?

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** LOL. (sent from mobile)

(**Pansy Parkinson** and **8 others** like this.)

**Parvati Patil**: Shut up, Malfoy!

**Pansy Parkinson**: Ooooooh, sticking up for you boyfriend?

**Parvati Patil**: Fuck you, bitch.

* * *

**Harry Potter** and **Parvati Patil** are now friends.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Parvati Patil**'s wall: Way to defend Neville.

**Parvati Patil**: Thanks, Harry!

**Harry Potter**: I hope we can have a normal friendship!

**Parvati Patil**: That sounds lovely!

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** OH, SOMETHING SHINY ON THE GROUND! (sent from mobile)

**Draco Malfoy** added "shiny objects" to their interests.

**Draco Malfoy** just found Longbottom's Remembrall! Finders keepers, losers weepers! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: HEY! I called dibs on it when Neville died!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Harry, Neville didn't die. He just has a broken wrist.

**Harry Potter**: GIVE IT HERE, MALFOY!

** Draco Malfoy**: Nah, I think I'll leave it in a tree.

* * *

**Harry Potter** shit, Malfoy wasn't lying – he can fly well. (sent from mobile)

(**Draco Malfoy **likes this.)

**Draco Malfoy**: That's right, bitch, eat air!

* * *

**Harry Potter** And so begins my disregard for the rules! About to fly my broom and take Malfoy down (sent from mobile)

(**Fred Weasley** and **George Weasley** like this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger**:YOU'LLGETUSALLINTROUBLE.

**Ronald Weasley**: Holy fucking cheese, can someone put a tongue depressant in her mouth?

**Harry Potter**: Ignoring you, Hermione!

* * *

**Harry Potter** YES! FINALLY something in this world that I'm naturally good at! Yay flying! (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**: WHOOP!

**Draco Malfoy**: Oh, crap…

**Harry Potter** added "flying" to his interests.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: Give that back or I'll knock you off your broom!

**Draco Malfoy**: Are you kidding? We're at least fifty-feet in the air – the fall would kill me!

**Harry Potter**: RAWR!

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: FETCH!

**Harry Potter**: I'm not a bloody dog, who do you think you – oh my god! I must catch this! Dramatically!

* * *

**Harry Potter** caught the Remembrall! Suck on my balls, Malfoy! (sent from mobile)

**Minerva McGonagall**: WHAT IS THIS?

**Harry Potter:** Oh shit…

**Minerva McGonagall**: YOU COULD'VE KILLED YOURSELF! Broken your neck!

* * *

**Parvati Patil** wrote on **Minerva McGonagall**'s wall: Professor, it wasn't Harry's fault. Please, let me explain.

**Minerva McGonagall**: Nope.

**Ronald Weasley**: It was Malfoy's fault!

**Minerva McGonagall**: CAN IT, Mr. Weasley. It's bad enough I have to put up with you once a day. Please just keep your ginger mouth shut.

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Follow me.

**Draco Malfoy**: Someone's in troooouuubbbllleee…

**Harry Potter**: You see those middle fingers, Malfoy? Those are for you, asshole!

* * *

**Harry Potter** well, life here has been brilliant. I'm very sorry that I'm going to be expelled. I swear, if I somehow managed to get out of this, I promise I will never break another rule again! (sent from mobile)

(**Percy Weasley **likes this.)

**Fred Weasley**: DISLIKE!

**George Weasley**: DISLIKE!

**Percy Weasley**: Must you two ALWAYS comment on the statuses that I like?

**Fred Weasley**: Yes, since it is –

**George Weasley**: – our job to do so. We're –

**Fred Weasley**: – your brothers, after all.

**Percy Weasley**: You guys are so irritating.

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall** wrote on **Filius Flitwick**'s wall: Sorry to disrupt your lecture, but could I borrow Wood for a moment?

**Harry Potter**: ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU'RE GOING TO BEAT ME?

**Oliver Wood**: I'm not a cane, you twat. I'm a person!

** Harry Potter**: Oh thank god! I get enough of that shit back at the Dursleys'.

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Now that I've made you piss your pants in anxiety, I just wanted you to meet Oliver Wood.

**Harry Potter**: Oh…okay. Hi, Oliver.

**Oilver Wood**: Hello…I'm sorry, Professor. Not that I don't appreciate being pulled out of boring class lectures, but what was the point of my meeting Harry Potter personally? I mean, yeah, the guy is pretty cool and all, but he's not SPECIAL or anything.

**Harry Potter**: OMFG you're the FIRST person here to treat me like a real human being!

**Oliver Wood**: Of course! Nothing impresses me besides Quidditch-related things.

**Harry Potter **and **Oliver Wood** are now friends.

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on **Oliver Wood**'s wall: I've found you a Seeker!

**Oliver Wood**: NO. EFFING. WAY.

**Minerva McGonagall**: Harry Potter's talent is remarkable, having never been on a broomstick before. I'm sure after your rigorous practices, he'll be pro-material by Third Year.

* * *

**Oliver Wood** feels like all his dreams have come true at once. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Oliver Wood **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Are you familiar with Quidditch?

**Minerva McGonagall**: He's captain of the Gryffindor team, btw.

**Harry Potter**: Does this mean that you're not going to treat me like a human being anymore?

* * *

**Oliver Wood **joined the group I Heart The Boy Who Lived.

**Oliver Wood** wrote on I Heart The Boy Who Lived's wall: HE'S GOING TO BE THE BEST SEEKER EVA. HE'S GOT THE RIGHT FIGURE FOR IT AND EVERYTHING. GREATEST. PERSON. ALIVE. X33333

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: You better not fuck this up for me, Potter. We can't afford to lose another match to Slytherin – I want to shove victory shit in Snape's face!

**Harry Potter**: I'm totally down with that!

**Minerva McGonagall**: Your dad would've been proud. Not only did you deliberately break a professor's rule within the first two weeks, but you're also wicked good at Quidditch.

**Harry Potter**: Srsly?

* * *

**Oliver Wood** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: YOUNGEST SEEKER IN A CENTURY, BABY! CAN I GET A WOOT, WOOT?

(**Harry Potter** likes this.)

**Oliver Wood**: Can I get a woot, woot?

**Harry Potter**: Oh, you were serious. Erm…woot, woot?

**Oliver Wood**:HELL YEAH!

* * *

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: WE GOT A NEW SEEKER, BITCHES!

**Harry Potter **joined the group Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92.

* * *

**George Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Well done! Wood has been posting on everyone's wall about you being the new Seeker! Wicked!

**Harry Potter**: Thanks, George! Are you on the team?

**George Weasley**: Fuck yeah! Fred and I are both Beaters.

**Fred Weasley**:And we're going to totally win this year – we haven't won since Charlie left. You must be really good, because Wood has been skipping all day – quite annoying, really.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Having your last meal, Potter? When's your train? I want to make sure I see you off.

**Harry Potter**: Not going anywhere. P.S. You're nothing with your cronies.

**Draco Malfoy**: Anytime, anywhere, BITCH! Bring it!

**Ronald Weasley**: I'm his second!

**Draco Malfoy**: Oh, you want to play it that way, huh? That rough? Let's do this shit. Midnight. Trophy room. Be there with your A-game, losers!

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: What the fuck did you just drag me into? And what the hell do you mean by you're "my second?"

**Ronald Weasley**: Pish, posh. You and Malfoy won't be able to do any serious damage – you've only been studying magic for two weeks. And a second is there to take over if you die.

**Harry Potter**: EXCUSE ME?

**Ronald Weasley**: Don't worry your scarred head about it – as I said before, you guys won't be able to do any damage. I'll be there for moral support, really.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I couldn't help but stalk your profile and it's come to my attention that you're premeditating illegal activities.

**Ronald Weasley**: CAN SOMEONE JUST TAKE AWAY HER VOICE BOX? AND HER HANDS. SO SHE CAN STOP TYPING NONSENSE.

**Harry Potter**: Hermione?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Yes?

**Harry Potter**: STFU, kthx.

* * *

**Harry Potter** feels like he's pushing his luck today – he really shouldn't be trying to break another school rule today. But then again, Malfoy needs to be put in his place.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is now sneaking out of bed with **Ronald Weasley**. (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley** likes this.)

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I can't believe you're actually going through with this.

**Ronald Weasley**: WTF go back to bed!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: I almost told Percy, the greatest prefect at Hogwarts; he would put a stop to this nonsense.

* * *

**Harry Potter** can't believe anyone could be so interfering.

(**Ronald Weasley** and **1,048 others** like this.)

* * *

**Hermione Jane Granger** is now stalking after **Harry Potter** and **Ronald Weasley**, spewing information that they clearly don't care about, even though they should. (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**: LEAVE US ALONE, DAMN IT.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: FINE! I know when I'm not wanted!

**Ronald Weasley**: Thank Merlin! Done with her for tonight!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:…I'm coming with you.

**Ronald Weasley**: What about your earlier comment about knowing when you're not wanted!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: The Fat Lady is gone! I have to come with you!

**Ronald Weasley**: FML.

* * *

**Neville Longbottom** is sleeping outside the Gryffindor Tower like a hobo. Why can't I ever remember the password! (sent from mobile)

**Hermione Jean Granger**: The password won't do you any good – the Fat Lady's gone.

**Neville Longbottom**: Can I hang out with you guys?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Of course you can!

**Ronald Weasley**: WTF no!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** is going to learn the Curse of the Bogies and use it on **Neville Longbottom** and twice on **Hermione Jane Granger** if they fuck this up. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** is going to the trophy room with his crew. (sent from mobile)

**Mrs. Norris**:Didn't I tell you to watch what you post on Facebook, bitch? YOUR ASS IS MINE TONIGHT!

**Harry Potter**: Fuck. But wait! You're seeing Hedwig! Can't you cut me some slack?

**Mrs. Norris**: …I suppose I can. But you have to be really quiet. If you make any obvious noise, then I'm eating you. Got it?

**Harry Potter**: THANK YOU! I really appreciate this.

* * *

**Neville Longbottom** just squeaked, tripped, grabbed **Ronald Weasley**, and knocked into a suit of armor. (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Seriously, Neville? We're so fucked!

**Mrs. Norris**: Damn straight!

* * *

**Harry Potter** managed to find a cool secret passageway! Safe for the time being. Keep you all posted. (sent from mobile)

(**Fred Weasley**, **George Weasley**, and **Lee Jordan** like this.)

**Fred Weasley**: Which one was it?

**Harry Potter**: I'm not quite sure – I ran through a tapestry and ended up near my Charms classroom.

**George Weasley**: Good find! Very useful one.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Malfoy tricked you.

**Harry Potter**: No shit, Sherlock.

**Ronald Weasley**: Her name is Granger.

**Harry Potter**: No, it's just an expression. HERMIONE – DO NOT EXPLAIN.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: You should know by now that resistance is futile: the crude expression, "No shit, Sherlock," references the famous fictional character Sherlock Holmes, created by Scottish author and physician Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Holmes is a detective, renowned for his observational skills and his astute logical reasoning. I look up to him very much.

**Ronald Weasley**: How many times do I have to say "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT" to make you understand?

* * *

**Peeves the Poltergeist **wrote on **Argus Filch**'s wall:STUDENTS OUT OF BED DOWN THE CHARMS CORRIDOR!

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Peeves the Poltergeist**'s wall: Asshole.

**Peeves the Poltergeist **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Suck my dick. :P

* * *

**Harry Potter** we were doing so well! And now we've hit a locked door! (sent mobile)

**Fred Weasley**: You've done well, my friend. Your service will have to be next Wednesday, since George and I will be serving detention until then. Any last requests?

**Harry Potter**: Yeah, make sure the Dursleys don't come to my service. Oh, and all my gold will go to your family, 'kay?

**George Weasley**: SWEET! No offense, Harry, but I do hope you won't make it. You understand, right?

**Harry Potter**: Yes, of course.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** This is the end! We're totally fucked! (sent from mobile)

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Oh, move OVER, you useless ginger!

**Harry Potter**: Why did you use MY wand? Shouldn't you use your own? Now it's got your cooties on it.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: I only use my wand for powerful spells. This spell is not worthy of being done by MY wand.

* * *

**Harry Potter** has managed to escape Filch and Mrs. Norris! Victory! (sent from mobile)

(**Fred Weasley**, **George Weasley**, and **Lee Jordan **like this.)

**George Weasley**: Nice!

* * *

**Neville Longbottom **poked **Harry Potter**.

10 more similar stories

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Neville Longbottom**'s wall: WHAT IS IT? STOP POKING ME!

* * *

**Harry Potter** HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK! THREE-HEADED DOG. AND IT'S HUGE. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: WTF was that about? Why is that monstrosity in a school for CHILDREN?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: How did you NOT use your eyes back there?

**Ronald Weasley**: Um, I'm pretty sure we did. We did notice that there's a THREE-HEADED DOG IN HOGWARTS.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Did you see what it was standing on?

**Harry Potter**: No. To be quite honest, I was more concerned with its three sets of teeth, which wanted to chew on my flesh.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: It was standing on a trapdoor, you imbeciles! It's guarding something!

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** hates **Harry Potter** and **Ronald Weasley** for trying to get her killed, or worse, expelled.

(**Minerva McGonagall**, **Severus Snape**, and **1,050 others** like this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** feels extremely clever: he now knows where the package from vault 713 is!

* * *

Chapter Ten

**Draco Malfoy **cannot fucking believe **Harry Potter **and **Ronald Weasley **are still at school! Am I supposed to expect this sort of special treatment for our entire stay at Hogwarts? Fuck this shit.

(**Harry Potter**, **Ronald Weasley**, **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**, and **38 others** like this.)

**Harry Potter**:Suck it, Malfoy.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Lolz.

**Draco Malfoy **?

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Hey, mate! So, I totez know what's goin' on with the whole three-headed dog sitch. It's hiding something, obviously. Possibly the grubby little package that I saw Hagrid take from vault 713! I mean Hogwarts IS the safest place to hide something.

**Ronald Weasley**:Bloody hell!1!1! Leave it to Hagrid to be so obvious that an eleven-year-old who literally just found out he was a wizard, like, 3 months ago, is able to work out a conspiracy like this.

**Harry Potter**:I know, even at Gringotts I was like, dude, if you're trying to let me in on this secret, you're doing great HAHA.

**Ronald Weasley**:lololol

**Rubeus Hagrid**:WTF? I may be large but I have feelings!

**Harry Potter**:Sorry, Hagrid. It's no offense to you as a PERSON – we think you're great!

**Ronald Weasley**:Well, except for the rock cakes…that's another complaint. But just that – your inability to keep secrets, your rock cakes…oh, and also I'd think you'd be more tolerant towards gingers considering the mistreatment you endure being a giant.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:I ain't a giant! Not a full one!

**Ronald Weasley**:I'm rolling my eyes right now, Hagrid. Give me a break.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Anyway, as I was saying, Harry, the grubby little package is either really valuable or really dangerous.

**Harry Potter**:Or both…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Neville and I both don't care at all what the package is. Actually, I'm not even speaking to you anymore.

**Ronald Weasley**:Bitch, you literally amaze me. NOBODY ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION.

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, if anything, we're glad you aren't interested. Maybe you'll keep your nose out of it, then?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Don't count on it, boys.

**Ronald Weasley**:Now…was that "I'm not speaking to you anymore" some sort of practical joke or…?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Starting NOW!

**Neville Longbottom**:By the way, that's not entirely true what you said, Hermione - it's not that I don't care, I'm just never going near that dog again. Speak for yourself.

**Harry Potter**:That understandable, Nev.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, Granger. Leave Neville out of this. He has enough problems as it is.

**Neville Longbottom**:True that.

* * *

**Hedwig the Owl **is sneering at the six large screech owls delivering a package to Potter…suspicious…

**Harry Potter **does not appreciate these owls soaring in and knocking his bacon onto the floor…

**

* * *

Minerva McGonagall **sent **Harry Potter **a letter and a Nimbus Two Thousand.

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: DO NOT OPEN THE PARCEL AT THE TABLE – those little brats will get their grubby paws all over it and expect new brooms, as well. Get ready for years of reinforcement that you are special and therefore deserve special things. Meet Wood on the Quidditch field at 7 tonight!

(**Oliver Wood **likes this.)

**Draco Malfoy**:Of COURSE…

**Harry Potter**:Shove off, Malfoy. You heard her, I'm fucking SPECIAL.

**Dudley Dursley**:Yeah, you're special alright. Special OLYMPICS!

**Harry Potter**:What the fuck…

**Draco Malfoy**:HA! Nice one, Dursley. Why haven't we met?

**Dudley Dursley**:I don't know but I think we can wreak major havoc on the Pothead together.

**Draco Malfoy**:You took the words right out of my mouth, man.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy**and **Dudley Dursley **are now friends.

**Harry Potter**:Shit…

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: I'm having an extremely difficult time hiding my glee right now! READ THIS LETTER!

**Ronald Weasley**:A NIMBUS TWO THOUSAND!1!1!

**Harry Potter**:RON!

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh, sorry…

* * *

**Harry Potter **running to my room to unwrap my package with Ron! (sent from mobile)

**Dudley Dursley**:Are you fucking kidding me? Think before you update, Potter. I'm not touchin' this one, you walked right into it.

**Ronald Weasley**:That's immature. We just need to do it in secret because everyone's gonna try and put their grubby little paws all over Harry's package.

**Dudley Dursley**:Again, have fun, lovers X3

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on **Crabbe**'s wall: You and Goyle, guard the upstairs while Dursley is distracting Harry with his sexual accusations. We all know Harry gets peeved because it's all true.

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on **Dudley Dursley**'s wall: Good work, Dud!

**Dudley Dursley**:;)

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: THAT'S A BROOMSTICK! You're in for it, Potter. FIRST YEARS AREN'T ALLOWED THEM!

**Ronald Weasley**:Nuh-uh! It's not any old broomstick – it's a Nimbus Two Thousand! What've you got at home, a Comet Two Sixty?

**Draco Malfoy**:And what would YOU know about it, Poor-sley?

**Ronald Weasley**:Srsly? I've never heard that one before…no, really. That's the worst pun I've ever heard. Nobody has EVER said that to me or any one of my many siblings.

**Fred Weasley**:Yeah, Malfoy. You're really losing –

**George Weasley**:– your magic touch.

**Draco Malfoy**:Shut up! As long as the point is made: you are poor and therefore a lower life form. I am exploiting something you cannot control. It's what I do. I'm a dick.

**Filius Flitwick**:And what's going on here, boys? Not arguing, I hope!

**Draco Malfoy**:Potter's been sent a broomstick, Professor! (OH MAN, shit is about to go DOWN! Booya!)

**Filius Flitwick**:Er…yes. That's right…Professor McGonagall told me about the special circumstances, Potter! What model?

**Harry Potter**:A Nimbus Two Thousand, sir! It's really thanks to Malfoy that I got it, after all…if he hadn't stolen Neville's Remembrall, I wouldn't be on the team! Lolz.

** Draco Malfoy**:Damn it! Foiled again!

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: So I suppose you think that's a reward for breaking rules? *STOMPS DISAPPROVINGLY*

**Ronald Weasley**:I'm not going to turn around. I'm going to close my eyes and pretend that the LAST person I want to see during a moment of triumph is standing behind us.

**Harry Potter**:It's her, mate. We can't escape…ever.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Hmph!

**Ronald Weasley**:Look at her go with her nose up in the air! She's such a snot-nosed bitch.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is having an extremely difficult time paying attention in his classes. QUIDDITCH PRATICE LATA WITH **Oliver Wood**! Suck on that, bitches! (sent from mobile)

**Vernon Dursley**:We aren't paying for you to daydream.

**Harry Potter**:You aren't paying for me at all…quite honestly, I think you've spent maybe…two dollars on me my entire eleven years.

**Vernon Dursley**:YOU WILL RECEIVE DIRTY SOCKS WITH PRIDE AND BE HAPPY WE PROVIDE YOU WITH ANYTHING.

**Harry Potter**:You're insufferable.

**Vernon Dursley**:Don't use that fancy magician language on me, BOY!

**Harry Potter**:It's not…oh, fuck it.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Class is over! Let's go play with my package!

**Vernon Dursley**:Wow, Dudley was right. Shit…you have no filter, do you?

**Harry Potter**:If you weren't STALKING me, you wouldn't be so confused.

**Vernon Dursley**:I can do whatever I damn well please, Pothead!

**Dudley Dursley**:Haha, Daddy! We're sharing a nickname for that dickhead, Harry! It's so cute of us.

**Vernon Dursley**:Go make me some coffee, boy!

**Dudley Dursley**:Yes, Dad!

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on Sons with fat bastard fathers who only give them thirty-six presents for their eleventh birthdays's wall: Dad continues to belittle me, refuses to spend quality time, even when it's verbally beating down my piece of shit cousin…life = sucking. Majorly.

* * *

**Harry Potter **became a fan of the Nimbus Two Thousand.

**Oliver Wood **likes watching **Harry Potter **fly around the Quidditch Pitch…that boy is truly a wonder. (sent from mobile)

**Oliver Wood **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: VERY nice, Potter. I see what McGonagall meant…you really _are _a natural. I'm going to teach you everything you need to know to become the greatest Quidditch player in history.

(**Minerva McGonagall **likes this.)

** Minerva McGonagall**:Hear that, Severus Snape? Slytherin is FUCKED.

**Oliver Wood**:Boo-ya!

**Severus Snape**:Fuck you, fuck you ALL.

**Harry Potter**:Wow, you have a lot of confidence in me.

**Oliver Wood**:You remind me of a young Oliver Wood.

**Harry Potter**:Really?

**Oliver Wood**:Not really. I was nothing like you. Much less awkward and the whole glasses/scar combo has kind of…been done before, I feel.

**Harry Potter**:Are you serious?

**Oliver Wood**:But other than that, you're totally awesome. Lovin' the whole famous vibe. And you've got major skillz.

**Harry Potter**:Wow…skills with a "z?" You really do believe in me.

**Oliver Wood**:Yep! So, basically, there are seven players, three of which are called Chasers.

**Harry Potter**:Seven Players. Three Chasers.

**Oliver Wood**:Here's a Quaffle…the Chasers throw the Quaffle to each other and try and get it through one of the hoops to score a goal…ten points for each goal. Got it?

**Harry Potter**:That's a Quaffle, Chasers put it through the hoops to score, ten points a goal.

**Oliver Wood**:Right…a simple "yes," would suffice. We don't have all night, kid.

**Harry Potter**:Simple "yes," don't have all night. Got it.

**Oliver Wood**: Yeah…anyway, each side's got a Keeper, that'd be me. We fly around our respective hoops and stop the other team from scoring. I'm kind of a big deal. Then you've got two beaters, the Weasley twins, who try to protect their side from the Bludgers and knock 'em towards the other team.

**Harry Potter**:Have the Bludgers ever killed anyone?

**Oliver Wood**:Not at Hogwarts…yet…

**Harry Potter**:Foreshadowing?

**Oliver Wood**:I hope not! Sheesh, Potter. Why do you try so hard to attract danger?

**Harry Potter**:It's how I stay relevant.

**Oliver Wood**:Makes sense. But really, you don't have to worry about the Quaffle or the Bludgers.

**Harry Potter**:Unless they crack my head open…

**Oliver Wood**:Jesus Christ, Potter! Enough with the morbid remarks!

**Harry Potter **added "avoiding death by Bludger" to their interests.

* * *

**Oliver Wood **sent **Harry Potter **a Golden Snitch.

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Oliver Wood**'s wall: Ooooh, pretty!

(**Draco Malfoy **likes this.)

**Draco Malfoy**:Me like shiny things!

**Harry Potter**:Get outta here, Malfoy!

**Draco Malfoy**:You're still on my shit list!

**Harry Potter**:Was I ever…off?

**Draco Malfoy**:Maybe one minute or so after I heard about your existence, when I was two years old - only because I didn't know any better. But my father quickly taught me that Harry Potter = piece of shit. It was actually quite a fun bonding time for Daddy and I…he'd put Harry Potter on one side of a flash card and I'd have to answer: "piece of shit?" And he'd turn it around and if my answer matched the answer written on the back, I'd get a cookie!

**Harry Potter**:Wow…you're childhood may have been more fucked up than mine.

**Oliver Wood**:Moving on…the Golden Snitch is the most important ball of the lot. It's very hard to catch because it's so fast and difficult to see. It's your job, Potter, as the Seeker, to catch it. Whichever Seeker catches the Snitch wins his team an extra hundred and fifty points, so they nearly always win!

**Harry Potter**:Awesome…let's go play!

* * *

**Oliver Wood **is very impressed with Potter. Wouldn't be surprised if he turned out better than **Charlie Weasley **– and he could've played for England if he hadn't gone off chasing dragons!

(**Harry Potter**, **Ronald Weasley**, and **Charlie Weasley **like this.)

**Charlie Weasley**:Good luck, Harry! I was pretty damn awesome, but I'd happily relinquish my title to you!

**Harry Potter**:Thanks, man!

**Percy Weasley**:Oh, you boys and your Quidditch…so useless. And even more useless? Chasing dragons?

**Charlie Weasley**:STFU, Percy. You have zero respect for your elders and it's going to get you into a lot of trouble one day.

**Percy Weasley**:Hm…what are the words I'm looking for? Oh yeah, sod off.

**Charlie Weasley**:I'm shaking, Perce. I'm TREMBLING IN FEAR.

**Percy Weasley**:I'M TELLING MUM!

**Molly Weasley**:Stfu, Percy. HELLO, CHARLIE DEAR!

**Charlie Weasley**:Hi, Mummy!

* * *

**Harry Potter **can't believe he's been at Hogwarts TWO MONTHS! This castle feels more like home than Privet Drive EVER DID!

(**Ronald Weasley**, **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**, **Vernon Dursley**, **Petunia Dursley**, and **Dudley Dursley **like this.)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **Happy Halloween, y'all! Imma be eatin' mad candy, for realz.

* * *

**Filius Flitwick **FLYING IN CHARMS TODAY, FIRST YEARS! xoxo (sent from mobile)

(**Harry Potter **and **149 others **like this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter **thanks the heavens **Seamus Finnigan **is his partner (I saw you trying to catch my eye, Neville! You're a disaster waiting to happen – no offense!)

**Neville Longbottom**:None taken.

**Ronald Weasley**:Fucking shit, I'm working with Granger. Should I end it all now? I've lived a moderately decent life.

**Harry Potter**:Bye, bestie X3 Btw…it's hard to tell whether you or Hermione are angrier about this situation…what right does she have to be mad? You're awesome!

**Ronald Weasley**:THANK YOU, Harry. That's exactly what I was thinking.

* * *

**Harry Potter **takes back his last status update…Seamus just fucking set fire to a feather. WTF?

(**Neville Longbottom **likes this.)

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: YOU'RE SAYING IT WRONG! IT'S WING-_GAR_-DIUM LEVI-_O_-SA – MAKE THE 'GAR' NICE AND LONG!

**Ronald Weasley**:Gaaaaaaaaarrrrrr – is that nice and long enough for you?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Yes, it's very nice and long. Good job, Ronald.

**Ronald Weasley**:THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

**Harry Potter**:HAHA! NICE ONE, BUD!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:OH!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: It's no wonder no one can stand her…she's a NIGHTMARE, honestly.

**Harry Potter**:lolz! I know.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **is crying. A LOT! FUCK YOU, **Ronald Weasley**! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: I think she saw your comment! Did you mean to write that in our inbox?

**Ronald Weasley**:I mean I wish I could say that was an honest mistake…but really, when have I ever held myself back before? I talk shit about her publically all the time! The only difference is that we say some pretty vile stuff in the inbox. It is strange though, the minute I met her I called her rude, annoying, condescending, and pretty unfortunate looking on my status - and it has only gotten worse and cruder from that point on! Yet I whip out "nightmare" and she turns all PMS monster on me. Go figure.

**Harry Potter**:I'll never understand girls.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, this is as strange as if I started dating her! LOLOLOL

**Harry Potter**:You never know…

**Ronald Weasley**:YOU HOLD YOUR TONGUE.

**Harry Potter**:So, what are you gonna do?

**Ronald Weasley**:Um…nothing? I'm confused…she's just realized she has no friends. You have to face the music at some point.

* * *

**Parvati Patil **wrote on **Lavender Brown**'s wall: So, I heard Hermione Granger crying in the girl's bathroom. She wanted to be left alone, but I'm worried about her :-/

**Lavender Brown**:Why was she crying?

**Parvati Patil**:Idk…something about Ronald Weasley.

**Lavender Brown**:Oh, that ginger that hangs around Harry Potter? Hm…I've never thought about him before.

**Parvati Patil**:He's pretty cute, I guess.

**Lavender Brown**:I guess…if you like that sort of thing…he's nothing special…let her have him, right? Who cares.

**Parvati Patil**:Them? Please. That will never happen. Better chance of you two snogging!

**Lavender Brown**:Ew! Cooties! I won't rule it out though in my elder years…

**Parvati Patil**:Good planning. Let's go eat some candy.

* * *

**Lavender Brown **is going to eat Halloween candy with **Parvati Patil**. Thinking over a lot of things…**Ronald Weasley**, don't make any plans for a few month-span during…let's say…Sixth Year? I don't know, alterations to the exact date can be made if necessary… (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley **likes this.)

* * *

**Quirinus Quirrell **wrote on **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **THERE'S A FUCKING TROLL IN THE FUCKING DUNGEONS…thought you ought to know…

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Oh, shit, Quirrell's down. Prefects, get your Houses back to the dormitories. There's a troll in the dungeons, y'all, and he sounds feisty! (Oh, and Percy, try not to be a total douche for once.)

(**Percy Weasley **likes this.)

* * *

**Percy Weasley **FOLLOW ME! STICK TOGETHER, FIRST YEARS! NO NEED TO FEAR THE TROLL IF YOU FOLLOW MY ORDERS! EXCUSE ME, I AM A PREFECT!

**Fred Weasley**:Shut the –

**George Weasley**:– fuck up.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: How the fuck did a troll get in? Isn't this school supposed to be safe or something? I feel like I'm in constant danger!

**Ronald Weasley**:I think we're going to have to get used to that feeling. This really makes zero sense, though. Trolls are supposed to be stupid…maybe Peeves let it in?

**Peeves the Poltergeist**:Don't blame me, you little fuckers! This is NOT up to Peevesiez standards and I won't have my name tarnished. Gotcha nose!

**Ronald Weasley**:PEEVES, I DO NOT NEED TO DEAL WITH THAT SHIT AT I TIME LIKE THIS!

**Peeves the Poltergeist**:HEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEE!

**Ronald Weasley**:Where the fuck did he put my nose…

** Harry Potter**:Oh, shit, my conscience is kicking in…

**Ronald Weasley**:Haaaarrryyy…what is it? I'm very busy.

**Harry Potter**:It's just…ugh. You aren't going to like this. But…well, Hermione doesn't know about the troll…

**Ronald Weasley**:Yes, I'm aware.

**Harry Potter**:And…I don't know…I mean, I know we hate her and everything…

**Ronald Weasley**:Yes…hence why we shall leave her for dead…

**Harry Potter**:*Sigh* I just don't feel like it's as fun if we let her die. I mean…maybe she can be sort of useful to us in the future. She's pretty smart, you have to admit.

**Ronald Weasley**:Alright, listen. I think I…left my…left sneaker in the girls' bathroom. Let's go get it *wink wink*

**Harry Potter**:OH! Right, of course. Let us go get…your sneaker…and not Hermione…at all…unless we happen to see her…and we will save her because if she's in there and we leave…we could get in trouble for being…accessories to…troll crimes…or something like that…

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh shit, it's Snape!

**Harry Potter**:And what the fuck is _he _doing here? He should be down in the dungeons with the rest of the teachers!

**Severus Snape**:MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, POTTER!

* * *

**Harry Potter **does anyone smell something NASTY! It's not Snape…it's something more…like…a pair of the old socks I got for Christmas on my tenth birthday floating in a public toilet. (sent from mobile)

(**The Troll **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**:AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

* * *

**Harry Potter **and **Ronald Weasley **are now friends with **The Troll**.

**The Troll **Gotta go gotta go gotta go…BATHROOOOOM! Thank the looooord! I have gotta pee like y'all wouldn't even believe! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter **FUCK THIS TROLL WE ARE LOCKING IT IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM! THESE TEACHERS CAN'T DO SHIT! (sent form mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley**:Wait…

**Harry Potter**:What?

**Ronald Weasley**;Did you hear that scream?

**Harry Potter**:Oh shit…your left sneaker…it must be…inside…with the troll…

**Ronald Weasley**:Well…I literally only have that one pair so…I guess…?

**Harry Potter**:Let's go…

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **The decision to stay in this bathroom all fucking day was a major mistake. SOMEBODY HELP ME! TROLL! (sent from mobile)

**The Troll**:Hey, girl. Listen…Imma just do mah buziness and imma be out of your hair, 'kay?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:SOMEONE! ANYONE, ANYONE ON THE INTER-WEBS RIGHT NOW! HELP ME!

**The Troll**:Girl, what part of gettin' out of your hair does you not understand? Is you in a bad mood cuz your hair is ratty? Not my fault, guuuurl. Get a weave or somethin'! Shiiiiiit!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:FUUUUUUCKKKKK! MY LIFE IS OVER!

**The Troll**:Now what are these two little boyz comin' in here for…I have got to pee, y'all! This is NOT okay!

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Confuse it!

**The Troll **NOW I'm gettin' super angry. Why y'all throwin' shit around the room? Calm the fuck down, we all need to just caaaaalm it down! (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **The Troll**'s wall: Oy, pea-brain!

**The Troll**:Who you callin' a pea-brain, ginger? You think you so cute with yo red-hair? Puh-lease…

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: RUN! _RUN, _HERMIONE, ARE YOU STUPID?

**The Troll **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: I am gettin' seveeeeerely pissed at you, gurl. You've gotta stop this, right now—

**Harry Potter**:TAKE THAT, DUMB SHIT! I'M ON YOUR FUCKING NECK NOW, I'M LIKE A FUCKIN MONKEY! WHOSE GOT THE POWER NOW, BITCH!

**The Troll**:Oooh, you are makin' me all types of angry! This is the last time I wander around a haunted castle lookin' for a place to pee, y'all. Now I'm sorry, little boy, but I'm gonna have to—OH SHIT! OH NO YOU DIDN'T! DID YOU JUST STICK A WAND UP MY NOSE? YOU JUST DID! YOU LITTLE SHIT!

** Ronald Weasley**:Wingardium Leviosa!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Bravo!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **sent **The Troll **its own club.

**The Troll **I'm out, y'all. If I pee on the ground this is all your fault…do you see how big I am? That's gonna leave a big-ass mess… (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Is it…dead?

**Ronald Weasley**:I don't fucking know! Jesus Christ, Hermione…why'd you have to hide in the bathroom! You're so fucking stupid.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:'Cause you made me cry!

**Ronald Weasley**:Grow a pair, bitch! I called you a nightmare! Then I tell you that you're fucking stupid and you barely bat an eyelash!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You should be glad I'm not dead!

**Ronadl Weasley**:Are you SERIOUS? In what world!

**Harry Potter**:Shut up, you two! He…or she? I don't even know…that was the strangest troll I've ever encountered. I don't think he/she is dead. Also, I think that all it wanted to do is pee.

**Ronald Weasley**:Why do you say that?

**Harry Potter**:Well, aside from the fact that we're standing in about a gallon of troll pee, I recall it calmly explaining that it just wanted to pee before I stupidly jumped on its neck…

**Ronald Weasley**:Riiiight…

* * *

**Quirnus Quirrell **is feeling awfully faint… (sent from mobile)

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING? I SEND YOU A FUCKING NIMBUS TWO THOUSAND AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?

**Severus Snape**:Why you trusted that an expensive broom would not go to his already enlarged cranium, I shall never know…

**Minerva McGonagall**:Stfu. Potter, you're lucky you all weren't killed. What the FUCK do you think you're doing in here?

* * *

**Severus Snape **sent **Harry Potter **a swift, piercing look.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Minerva McGonagall**'s wall: Professor…they were looking for me…

**Minerva McGonagall**:You're shitting me.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Excuse me?

**Minerva McGonagall**:I'm sorry, I get quite vile when I'm upset. Ahem. What the…FUCK DO YOU MEAN?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I…I thought I could deal with the troll on my own…you know, because I've read all about them. Harry stuck his wand up its nose and Ron knocked it out with its own club! They didn't have time to come and fetch anyone. It was about to finish me off when they arrived.

**Minerva McGonagall**:Are you SERIOUS? Granger, you might be the most intelligent in your class, but you're also one of the most stupid children I've ever encountered. That sort of reasoning is often reserved for the likes of Ronald Weasley and Neville Longbottom.

**Ronald Weasley**:True…

**Minerva McGonagall**:Five points will be taken from Gryffindor. NOW GIT!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Yes, Professor!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **cannot believe Hermione just lied to a teacher. Did the troll knock me out? Am I in heaven? (sent from mobile).

**Minerva McGonagall**:I will ignore this status simply because I was already aware Hermione was lying, judging by her trembling voice and the smirks on yours and Mr. Potter's faces, respectively. Also, I despise the disgusting grin on Professor Snape's face and wish to smack it off by giving you five points each. Professor Dumbledore will be informed of this.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Er…how do I say this nicely…I don't really give a shit. I mean, it involves Harry, and I feel like we are under the agreement that Harry's allowed to do whatever he wants…

**Minerva McGonagall**:Yes, I'm aware. Just saying it for affect…I wasn't even really going to tell you, to be quite honest.

**Albus Pervical Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Ah, very nice. I'm going back to my knitting.

**Harry Potter**:Wait…so…you just removed five points, then gave us ten…which in all, awarded us five points for destroying a mountain troll…srsly?

**Severus Snape**:OMG YOUR EGO ASTOUNDS ME.

**Harry Potter**:I'm sorry, but FIVE FUCKING POINTS for destroying a mountain troll on our own? We're fucking eleven-years-old! Why a mountain troll was able to make its way into this "fortress of safety" in the first place is ASTOUNDING TO *ME*! Ron can barely manage a charm, I just found out I was a fucking wizard, and Hermione was crying in the corner of the bathroom. I mean, this is just bullshit.

**Minerva McGonagall**:I hate to agree with, Severus, *cringe* but you really are quite lucky that you aren't expelled, Potter. You should really watch your mouth.

**Harry Potter**:Sorry, Professor.

**Minerva McGonagall**:Now go to bed!

* * *

**Harry Potter **and **Hermione Jean Granger** are now friends.

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Well, I guess it was slightly okay of Hermione to get us out of trouble but…we *did*save her.

**Harry Potter**:We probably shouldn't have even bothered trying to help her. That's where the trouble started…whose idea was it to lock the troll in the bathroom anyway?

**Ronald Weasley**:Yours.

**Harry Potter**:Oh…meh.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **would like to say thank you to **Harry Potter **and **Ronald Weasley**.

**Ronald Weasley**:Hmph…

**Harry Potter**:Thanks to you too, Hermione.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You're quite welcome. And you, Ronald?

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh, I've said all I wanted to say.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You're a dick.

**Ronald Weasley**:Alright, alright. I'm fucking thankful to you for locking yourself in a bathroom and crying all day when I've said loads of worse things about AND to you. I'm thankful that I had to swallow my pride and run into said bathroom to knock out a fucking mountain troll for you. And I'm thankful that after all that, you managed to do exactly what you SHOULD have done, which is SOMETHING for Harry and I, like maybe not getting us in trouble FOR ONCE. If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't even bother calling you a bitch.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Surprisingly…I'll take that.

**Ronald Weasley**:Well…cool.

**J.K. Rowling**:From that moment on, Hermione Granger became their friend. There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh, come on, who the fuck invited this sap into the conversation? Sheesh…

* * *

A/N: We hope you enjoyed yourselves!

Please review!

D+K


	3. Part III Ch11 to Ch14

A/N: Thank you for all your reviews! We love you dearly!

Standard disclaimers apply.

* * *

Chapter Eleven

**Rubeus Hagrid** is defrosting broomsticks on the Quidditch field. Why **Rolanda Hooch** isn't doing such a Quidditch-related task, I shall never know. (sent from mobile)

**Rolanda Hooch**: That's because cleaning shit is YOUR job.

**Rubeus Hagridb**: Actually, my job pertains to the keys and grounds of Hogwarts, you DUMB BITCH. I don't recall cleaning brooms being part of my job description! If it were, it would be part of my title. So FUCK YOU.

* * *

**Oliver Wood** IT'S QUIDDITCH SEASON, Y'ALL!

(**Oliver Wood**, **Harry Potter**, **Fred Weasley**, **George Weasley**, and **24 others** like this.)

**Oliver Wood**: GO GRYFFINDOR!

**Marcus Flint**: As if! SNAKES RULE!

**Ravenclaw Qudditch Captain '91-'92**: Honestly, Gryffindor and Slytherin are so childish. Quidditch is just a sport, for Merlin's sake. What's most important as our education here at this fantastic school of learning.

**Oliver Wood**:EVERYTHING IS ABOUT QUIDDITCH. FUCK EDUCATION.

**Hufflepuff Qudditch Captain '91-'92**:Why do we have to have such horrible rivalries? Why can't we work together and become better players together?

**Marcus Flint**:SOD OFF, HUFFLEPUFF LOSER. Imma kill your team next, bitch!

* * *

**Harry Potter** has no idea how his position on the Gryffindor team got leaked!

**Ronald Weasley**: Are you serious, mate? Wood practically wrote it as his status everyday, McGonagall has been taunting Snape in the corridors on a regular basis, and I recall you shoving having a Nimbus Two-Thousand in Malfoy's face in the Great Hall last week.

**Harry Potter**: NO FUCKING CLUE!

* * *

**Neville Longbottom** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: You're going to be brilliant!

**Draco Malfoy** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Crabbe and Goyle will be running around underneath you with a mattress! But then once you fall, we'll pull it away so you can land on your fat face! LOLZ.

**Harry Potter**: You're a dick.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is surprised to say this, but he's rather lucky that **Hermione Jean Granger** is his friend now.

(**Hermione Jean Granger** likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley**: TRAITOR!

**Harry Potter**: I'M SORRY, but she's actually really useful – she practically does my homework now. And she lent me a sweet book: Quidditch Through the Ages, which has turned out to be an interesting read.

**Ronald Weasley**: I'M LOSING YOU, HARRY. YOU'RE TURNING INTO HER! SINCE WHEN DO YOU LIKE TO READ?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Oh, stop overreacting, Ronald! And stop worrying – it's not like I'm going to try and ruin your quasi-relationship with him. I wouldn't dare try to mess with that!

**Ronald Weasley**: Oh my god, how many FUCKING times do we have to say that we're NOT lovers? Oh, by the way, Harry, make sure you sneak a canister of whipped cream for later…you know…

**Hermione Jean Granger**: …

* * *

**Harry Potter** has just read that the most serious Qudditch accidents happen to Seekers. FML.

(**Draco Malfoy** and **Severus Snape** like this.)

**Severus Snape**: Maybe you'll be hit on your large head, and it will shrink it.

**Draco Malfoy**: LOL, nice one, Professor!

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** is with **Ronald Weasley** and **Harry Potter** in the freezing courtyard, doing some illegal magic, and actually doesn't mind doing it! (sent from mobile)

(**Harry Potter** and **Ronald Weasley** like this.)

**Ronald Weasley**: Wow, for the first time since I met you, I don't want to torture you to death. Don't get me wrong, I still want to kill you, but I would give you a quick one at this point.

**Harry Potter**: If I didn't know any better, Ron, I would say that was practically a love confession.

**Ronald Weasley**: HOLD YOUR TONGUE.

* * *

**Severus Snape** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: What's that you've got there, Potter?

**Harry Potter**: Honestly, don't you have better things to do than to stalk an eleven-year-old? And it's just a book.

**Severus Snape**: First of all, you stupid piece of shit, you are a TROUBLEMAKER. I do not tolerate behavior like that! What, do you think you're so cool with your mad Quidditch skillz and your little cronies? Think you're above the rules?

**Ronald Weasley**: Hey! I'm not a cronie! Those are the likes of Crabbe and Goyle. I'm a sidekick!

**Severus Snape**: STFU, I don't talk to gingers! Oh, and I'm confiscating this book.

**Harry Potter**:Why? It's not like I stole it!

**Severus Snape**:Because…well…LIBRARY BOOKS AREN'T ALLOWED TO BE TAKEN OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL.

**Harry Potter**:…You've got to be fucking kidding me. THAT'S the best excuse you can give me? Technically, we're still in school – these are school grounds, correct? I would accept your reason if I were actually outside of Hogwarts, like if I were Hogsmeade or something. This is blatant bullshit.

**Severus Snape**: FIVE POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR. NOW STFU YOU ARROGANT BASTARD!

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: He's such an asshole, he totally made that shit up. P.S. did you see him limping?

**Ronald Weasley**: I hope it fucking kills him.

**Harry Potter**:Well, that's a bit harsh…

**Ronald Weasley**: I'm serious. I hope it becomes infected, and it slowly destroys him.

**Harry Potter**: …Ooookaaaayyy…

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** Together with **Harry Potter**, we discovered a way to trick **Hermione Jean Granger** into doing our homework without her realizing!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: You jerk!

**Harry Potter**: Ron, you wanker, why did you tag her name?

**Ronald Weasley**: Oh, whoops. My B. So, Granger, I have a Potions essay that I need done…I mean checked over. That's what I meant.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:HOW WILL YOU LEARN?

**Harry Potter**: Okay, I'm leaving you guys to bicker like an old married couple – I'm going to the staffroom to try to get my book back from Snape. PEACE!

**Ronald Weasley**: Better you than me!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Better you than me!

**Harry Potter**: Well that was kind of creepy…I got those notifications back-to-back.

**Ronald Weasley**: NNNNOOOOOOOOOO!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Oh, shut up, Ronald! I'm just as concerned as you are, if not more so! This must mean my IQ is dropping at a rapid rate if we managed to think the same thought! NNNNOOOOOOOOOO!

* * *

**Harry Potter** is going to the staffroom to demand his shit back. So watch out, **Severus Snape**! I'm not scared of you! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: OH THANK THE FUCKING LORD – IT SEEMS THE STAFFROOM IS EMPTY. I really did not want a confrontation with a dangerous wizard who is over twenty-years my senior, with considerable more magical experience than me. I think I'm just going to take a peak and see if he left it somewhere –

* * *

**Argus Filch **wrote on **Severus Snape**'s wall: Wow, you got fucked up badly. Why did you wait so fucking long to get it fixed? Madam Pomfrey could've healed you in, like, five seconds!

**Severus Snape**:I'm going to ignore that legitimate point and complain about the three-headed dog instead! And also check my notifications…

* * *

**Severus Snape **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: POTTER! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? GET OUT!

**Harry Potter**: I just wanted my book back…it's a logical reason to come here…

**Severus Snape**:OUT!

* * *

**Harry Potter **IS RUNNING FOR HIS FUCKING LIFE! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Well, did you get it back?

**Harry Potter**: Does it LOOK like I have anything with me? OF COURSE NOT! But I just saw some freaky shit down in the staffroom. I'm going to explain it to you in person because this is a serious accusation and I don't want everyone knowing about it.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: SO YOU THINK SNAPE TRIED TO GET PAST THAT THREE-HEADED DOG ON HALLOWEEN TO GET THE MYSTERIOUS OBJECT THAT THE MONSTER IS GUARDING? AND YOU BET YOUR BROOMSTICK THAT HE LET THE TROLL IN AS A DIVERSION?

**Harry Potter**: Oh my god, Ron, you fucking imbecile! You're like an improperly trained dog! Pissing on the rug even after you're deliberately told not to! Come here and let me rub your nose in your own piss! It's what you do with a dog, after all!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: There's no way a teacher would be so evil! Besides, you would think Dumbledore would know when a teacher is a shifty character…

**Ronald Weasley**: Honestly, Hermione, you think all teachers are saints or something?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:PRETTY DAMN CLOSE.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is rather nervous for the Quidditch match tomorrow! And can't get **Severus Snape**'s disturbing face out of his mind.

* * *

**Harry Potter** and **1,070** **others **are attending FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: You should really eat something. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day! It jumpstarts your metabolism, and gives you physical and mental strength to prepare you for the day!

**Harry Potter**: Hermione, please, shut the fuck up. I feel like I'm about to upchuck my last twenty meals I'm so fucking nervous.

**Seamus Finnigan**: The Know-It-All Bitch is right, Harry, you do need your strength. Seekers are always the ones who get clobbered by the other team.

**Harry Potter**: Wow, that was kind of douchey, Seamus.

**Seamus Finnigan**: No probs! Can you pass the ketchup?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Just a bit of toast, Harry?

**Harry Potter**:GO AWAY!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley**, **Hermione Jean Granger**, **Neville Longbottom**, **Seamus Finnigan**, and **Dean Thomas** sent **Harry Potter** a banner.

**Harry Potter**: Thanks, guys! You da best xoxox.

* * *

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: Okay, men.

**Angelina Johnson** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: AND WOMEN. STOP BEING SO DAMN SEXIST, WOOD!

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: Right, sorry, I forget sometimes that women are allowed to play this manly sport. Anyway, THIS IS IT.

**Fred Weasley** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: The big one.

**George Weasley** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: The one we've all been waiting for.

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: STOP IT! YOU'RE STEALING MY THUNDER!

**Fred Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: He gives the same speech every fucking game. You can't help but memorize it.

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: This, right here, is the best team Gryffindor's had in years. We're going to win. I know it. OR ELSE I'LL FUCKING SKIN YOU ALL ALIVE. Anywho! Good luck to everyone! X3

* * *

**Harry Potter** really hopes his knees won't give way! So nervous about this Quidditch game! He really hopes he doesn't suck! (sent from mobile)

**Severus Snape**:Oh my god, your arrogance is just OVERFLOWING today, isn't it?

**Harry Potter**: I was going to correct you, but then I realized that I don't know why I keep trying to defend myself when you clearly see a distorted view of what I really am. So you know what, I'll let you think that I'm an arrogant douche bag, you deluded psychopath. Fuck it.

* * *

**Rolanda Hooch** wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: Now, I want a nice fair game, all of you. ESPECIALLY YOU, SLYTHERINS! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE MY HAWK EYES, BITCHES. WATCH YO BACK.

* * *

**Harry Potter** feels braver seeing the banner his besties made for him. (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley**, **Hermione Jean Granger**, **Neville Longbottom**, **Seamus Finnigan**, and **Dean Thomas **like this.)

* * *

**Lee Jordan** wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: 'SUP, FOOLS. The game begins with the Quaffle in Angelina Johnson of Gryffindor's possession. What I wouldn't do for that fine, piece of ass…

**Minerva McGonagall** wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: JORDAN! FOCUS ON THE GAME! Honestly, who the hell allowed this slacker to commentate on games?

**Lee Jordan** wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: Sorry, Professor! Anyway, she passes it to Alicia Spinnet, who was only a reserve last year, but Wood seems to deem her worthy now…IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. And don't try to correct me! Because she just blatantly threw the Quaffle to Marcus Flint! Untalented bitch. Honestly, Wood, keep your sexual escapades SEPARATE from Quidditch!

**Oliver Wood **wrote on **Lee Jordan**'s wall: MY LIFE IS ALL ABOUT QUIDDITCH. I HAVE NO LIFE. IT'S. JUST. QUIDDITCH. Now BRB I have to block this shot.

**Lee Jordan** wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: And Wood just blocked Flint's sad attempt at scoring! Katie Bell now has possession, now that Gryffindor Chaser has a ton of talent, but too bad she's not as sexyfine as Angelina. OH SHIT! Hit in the back of the head! Hopefully that cracking noise was just someone's knuckles and not her neck! Now Adrian Pucey of Slytherin is in possession, but a Bludger, sent by one of the Weasley Twins, attacks him. Can't tell which one. Doesn't matter, because Sexy Angie now has the Quaffle again…AND SHE SCORES! 10 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR, WHAT WHAT!

* * *

**Harry Potter** Yay! Nice job, **Angelina Johnson**! (sent from mobile)

(**Oliver Wood**, **Angelina Johnson** and **786 others** like this.)

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** is now joining the Quidditch watching, because it's rather lonely from my hut. (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**: Hey, Hagrid! What's up?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: How's Harry doing?

**Ronald Weasley**: Of course it's all about Harry-freaking-Potter.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Well, he IS playing in his first-even Quidditch match at the moment. Geez, sometimes I think Snape should worry about your ego instead. Has there been a Snitch-Chasing scene yet?

**Ronald Weasley**: No. Harry hasn't done jack-shit.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Keeping out of trouble, that's something you don't see everyday from Harry Potter!

* * *

**Harry Potter** Shit! I'm about to lose my street cred! Have to find this Snitch, stat! I can't be staying out of trouble forever! (sent from mobile)

**Oliver Wood**:NO! You have to keep out of the way until you actually SEE the Snitch. You're on the top of Slytherin's hit list! This was our plan!

**Harry Potter**: Must…find…trouble!

* * *

**Harry Potter** Ah! About to be attacked by a Bludger! (This will do nicely as trouble). (sent from mobile)

**Fred Weasley**: I'm on it! THIS IS GOING TO STRAIGHT TO YOU, FLINT! How ya doin', Harry?

**Harry Potter**: Pretty well, I mean it's a bit lonely up here.

** Fred Weasley**: That's great, Harry, sorry, but I GTG!

**Harry Potter** *Sigh*…

* * *

**Lee Jordan** wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: Slytherin is now in possession. Chaser Pucey ducks two Budgers, two Weasleys, a chicken, five butterflies, and Chaser Bell, and speeds toward the – waiiiitttt a minute – was that the Snitch?

* * *

**Harry Potter** thinks **Adrian Pucey** is a dolt – why are you looking for the Snitch? You're a bloody Chaser! Get your shit together and keep hold of the Quaffle, butterfingers! Not that I should really care since you're of the opposing team. (sent from mobile)

**Adrian Pucey**: Fuck you! It flew right by my ear! Gave me a fucking heart attack! You would've done the same!

**Harry Potter**: Noooot really. I am the Seeker, after all. I would've just caught it with my awesome ninja skillz.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is going after the Snitch! (sent from mobile)

**Terence Higgs**: Thanks for letting me know! I'M CATCHING IT FIRST.

* * *

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP HANGING IN MIDAIR AND PLAY THE FUCKING GAME. LET HARRY DO HIS DAMN JOB!

* * *

**Marcus Flint **poked **Harry Potter**.

**Harry Potter **IS SPINNING OFF COURSE, COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL. HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE RIGHT NOW. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Lee Jordan** wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: I speak on behalf of all Gryffindors when I say, THAT WAS A BLATANT FOUL!

**Rolanda Hooch** wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: Don't worry y'all, Gryffindor's getting a free shot.

* * *

**Dean Thomas** wrote on **Rolanda Hooch**'s wall: SEND HIM OFF, REF. RED CARD!

**Ronald Weasley**: WTF are you going on about?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: A red card is used in football when a player commits a serious foul and is sent off, and required to leave the field of play and must take no further part in the remainder of the game. The player who has been sent off cannot be replaced during the game; the team must continue the game with one player fewer.

**Dean Thomas**:I was going to explain it, Granger…

**Ronald Weasley**: Yeah, just ignore her. But while that is a good idea, there's one flaw: THIS ISN'T FOOTBALL.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: They really should change the rules, though. Flint could've easily knocked Harry off his broom, and he could've met his inescapable death. This may sound crazy, but I think that warrants something other than a free shot.

**Rolanda Hooch**: STOP CONVERSING ON MY WALL, DAMN IT. I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF REFFING A GAME.

* * *

**Lee Jordan** wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: So, that was quite an obvious and disgusting piece of cheating…

**Minerva McGonagall** wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: Deleting that comment. GET BACK TO THE GAME.

**Lee Jordan** wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: I mean, that open and revolting foul…

**Minerva McGonagall** wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: DELETING. AGAIN. I'M WARNING YOU, BOY…

**Lee Jordan** wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: Fine. Flint nearly kills the Gryffindor Seeker, which could happen to anyone, I'm sure, so a penalty to Gryffindor is taken by Spinnet. Oh Merlin…hopefully she'll make this because then it'll just be glaringly obvious that she's having sexual relations with Wood just to be on the bloody team. Oh! What a surprise! She makes it! Gryffindor is still in possession!

* * *

**Harry Potter** doesn't understand why his broom is lurching. Why is my Nimbus Two-Thousand trying to buck me off? (sent from mobile)

(**Marcus Flint **and **262 others **like this.)

**Severus Snape**: Maybe it's your broom telling you that the weight of your large, arrogant-filled head meets the limit of the broom.

**Harry Potter**:FUCK YOU!

* * *

**Lee Jordan** wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: Slytherin in possession, Flint with the Quaffle – passes Spinnet (WHAT A SURPRISE), passes Bell…OH! FLINT GOT BLUDGER IN DA FACE! I hope that broke your nose, bitch! Now, Professor McG, don't take that comment seriously…oh, man! Slytherin scores! Thanks, Oliver!

**Oliver Wood** wrote on **Lee Jordan**'s wall: KEEPERS ARE NEVER BLAMED FOR MISSED GOALS, JORDAN! Keepers are the last line of defense! Remember: the Quaffle has to go through six players to get the hoops!

**Lee Jordan**: I'm well aware of that, but it certainly doesn't stop everyone from secretly resenting you for missing goals! :)

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** doesn't understand what **Harry Potter** is trying to do, exactly. Is this a fancy Quidditch play? It honestly looks like his broom just got out of control. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** is now hanging off his broom with one hand! Well, it will certainly make updating Facebook a lot easier (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** tagged **Severus Snape** in album Obvious Cheating in Quidditch '91-'92

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Holy shit! Snape's jinxing the broom! WTF do we do?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Ronald! Is this the first time you're writing on my wall?

**Ronald Weasley** ...DAMN IT!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Leave it to me!

* * *

**Oliver Wood **is in a state of shock! (sent from mobile)

(**Marcus Flint **likes this.)

**Marcus Flint**: And I will score five times without anyone noticing!

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** just set a teacher on fire! (sent from mobile)

**Hermione Jean Granger** added "fire" and "setting objects and people on fire" to their interests.

* * *

**Harry Potter** doesn't know what the fuck happened, but now he can ride his broom again! (sent from mobile)

(**Oliver Wood **and **787 others** like this.)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Neville Longbottom**'s wall: Stop being a little bitch and stop crying! Everything's cool now!

**Rubeus Hagrid**: OH THANK GOD. YOU SOAKED THROUGH MY BEST JACKET, YOU SNOT-FILLED BRAT.

**Neville Longbottom**:I'm sorry, I was just really worried about Harry!

**Ronald Weasley**: We all were! But at least we were trying to DO something instead of wallowing!

**Neville Longbottom**: It's going to take me a very long time for me to grow confident in my abilities to actively participate in events. Bear with me.

* * *

**Harry Potter **thinks he swallowed something…large…ugh… (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: I CAUGHT THE SNITCH! HELL-TO-THE-FUCKIN'-YEAH!

**Marcus Flint **wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: BULLSHIT! HE DIDN'T CATCH IT! HE PRACTICALLY SWALLOWED IT!

**Lee Jordan** wrote on FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!'s wall: Who gives a shit –he just happened to catch it with his mouth! GRYFFINDOR WINS! 170-60! TAKE THAT, SLYTHERINS!

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall** wrote on **Severus Snape**'s wall: WE. WON. SUCK. ON. THAT.

**Severus Snape**: THAT DIDN'T COUNT.

**Minerva McGonagall**: Like hell it didn't! You owe me ten galleons! HAH!

* * *

**Harry Potter** and **1,070** **others **attended FIRST QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE YEAR!

* * *

**Harry Potter** somehow managed to end up at **Rubeus Hagrid**'s pad. Hm, quick transition… (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**:So, you know how your broom was freaking out during the game? It was Snape. Hermione's got pictorial evidence on Facebook. He was muttering some shit and he wouldn't take his eyes off of you. Bloody creepy if you ask me…

**Harry Potter**: The bastard!

**Rubeus Hagrid**: That's rubbish! Why would Snape do something like that?

**Harry Potter**: Well, let's start with the fact that he was trying to get past that three-headed dog on Halloween – he's trying to steal whatever that monster is hiding. Good thing he got bit, the wanker. Karma's a bitch.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY FLUFFY-KINS?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: THAT THING HAS A NAME?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Yeah, I bought him off a Greek dude last year. I lent him to Dumbledore to guard…

**Harry Potter**:YES?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Not telling! :P

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** has changed her mind about **Severus Snape** – he's pure evil! (sent from mobile)

(**Harry Potter** and **Ronald Weasley** like this.)

**Hermione Jean Granger**: It was a jinx! I've read all about them!

**Rubeus Hagrid**: YOU'RE WRONG.

** Hermione Jean Granger**:…What did you just say to me?

**Ronald Weasley**: Oh shit…

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Did you, a barely-educated oaf of a man, just tell me that I was WRONG? Excuse me, Hagrid, but fuck you. I have more intelligence in my PINKY TOE than you do in your ENTIRELY LARGE BODY. Do NOT fuck with me when it comes to knowledge. I AM ALWAYS RIGHT.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Calm the fuck down, Hermione. I'm so much older than you, so I have something that you DON'T have – WISDOM. Yeah, that's right, bitch. Can't learn about that in any goddamn book! Now, I've known Snape for years, and he would never try to kill a student. But getting back to the discussion at hand, just try and forget everything you ever saw, because all of this is none of your fucking business. It only concerns Professor Dumbledore and Nicolas Flamel.

**Harry Potter**: YES! I knew you were going to blab something important at some point during this interrogation!

**Rubeus Hagrid**: FUCK!

* * *

Chapter Twelve

**Harry Potter **Christmas is coming!

* * *

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry **just awoke to find itself covered in several feet of snow! YIPPEE! Oh, it's super cold. Booooo!

**Harry Potter**:LOL! You have a Facebook, Hogwarts? RAD!

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**:Obvi. How else do you think I keep tabs on you miscreants? Someone needs to take the reigns when Peeves continues to grab your noses and cause some REAL mischief. What do ya think's been moving the stairs around? Magic?

**Harry Potter**:Er…yes?

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**: Well, never make assumptions. That was ALL me! :P

**Harry Potter**:Kay…this is getting kind of weird. I'm gonna go now.

**Harry Potter **and **Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry **are now friends.

* * *

**Quirnius Quirrell **d-d-does N-NOT a-a-ap-ap-appreciate the W-W-W-Weasley twins be-w-w-witching s-s-snow balls t-t-to hit his t-turban! THE TURBAN WILL SEEK REVENGE ON ALL YOU MISERABLE LITTLE FUCKERS!

(**Fred Weasley **and **George Weasley **like this.)

**Fred Weasley**:But we're sort of confused –

**George Weasley**:– why you're turban hasn't got –

**Fred Weasley**:- a stutter…and why does it speak at all? That's very –

**George Weasley**:– suspicious…

** Harry Potter**:That IS suspicious! Hmm…

**Quirrell's Turban**: Shut the FUCK up, Potter. This shit is REAL and I don't need you sticking you nose into my BUSINESS.

**Harry Potter**:Okay, I have befriended one too many inanimate objects today, so don't expect me to accept your request that I'm SURE will be coming my way. That's fucking creepy.

**Quirrell's Turban**:Lame. AND I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU WEASLEYS – DON'T FUCK WITH ME AGAIN. THE NEXT TIME I HEAR YOU SNIGGERING ABOUT THE WAY I SMELL, OR CATCH YOU THROWING SNOW BALLS AT ME, I'M GONNA THROW AROUND SOME BALLS MYSELF, AND THEY AIN'T GONNA BE MADE OUT OF SNOW, GOT IT?

**Fred Weasley**:This is more humorous than –

**George Weasley**:– frightening, mate.

**Fred Weasley** and **George Weasley** are now friends with **Quirrell's Turban**.

* * *

**Quirnius Quirrell **wrote on **Quirrell's Turban**'s wall: S-s-s-stop it, r-r-right n-now! Y-y-y-you're l-l-letting your a-a-anger get the b-best of you and you're d-d-doing more h-h-harm than g-g-good!

**Quirrell's Turban**:You're a fucking SISSY and I think I'm about to bust a cap in your ass, Stutters McGee.

**Quirnius Quirrell**:M-m-my word!

**Quirrell's Turban**:Yeah, BITCH.

**Mrs. Norris**:That's…very manly of you…Turban. Can I call you Turban?

**Quirrell's Turban**:Of course babycakes, call me whatever you want.

**Mrs. Norris**:Hehe. I wasn't sure if was too…familiar…

**Quirrell's Turban**:Well, Lord knows we've gotten a little…more than familiar over the years…*wink wink*

**Hedwig the Owl**:What the FUCK?

**Harry Potter**:As if you didn't see this coming, Hed. She cheated on Filch with YOU. It's in her genes to deceive. It's the reason she's such a good spy.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Don't even start this shit with me, Potter, I'm not in the fucking mood for it.

* * *

**Argus Filch **wrote on **Hedwig the Owl**'s wall: Um…this is awkward…but if you ever…I don't know…need a shoulder to cry on…you can always pay me a visit.

**Hedwig the Owl**: Yes, I understood that from your obsessive inbox messages sent in the last 30 seconds…I'll CONSIDER it.

**Argus Filch**:That's all I ask.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I DO feel SO sorry…for all of those people who have to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas because they're NOT WANTED at home…

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, I get it, Malfoy. Stfu.

**Crabbe**:Tee -

**Goyle**:Hee-hee.

**Harry Potter**:In case you didn't realize, that "stfu" was directed at you two blundering idiots, as well.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** joined the group Gryffindor Quidditch Team '91-'92.

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: Hey, guys, I heard that a wide-mouthed tree frog will be replacing Potter as Seeker next! Lmfao.

**Lee Jordan **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: Shut your fucking hole, Malfoy. You're not funny.

**Oliver Wood **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: Harry displayed the most impressive courage and downright SKILL at that historic game. You, sir, are a fucking BASTARD for denying Potter his glory!

**Angelina Johnson **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: TEAM HARRY! (And I'm also wondering how you were even able to write on this group's wall, MALFOY, you aren't even a Quidditch player, this is an EXCLUSIVE GROUP).

**Fred Weasley **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: We second that opinion –

**George Weasley **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: - Angelina! Fuck you, Malfoy!

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: Yes, really, Mr. Malfoy. I know it's in bad taste, but fuck it – it's the holidays soon. You are an asshole. Ahem.

**Harry Potter **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '91-'92's wall: Thanks, everybody ^_^

**Draco Malfoy **left the group Gryffindor Quidditch Team '91-'92.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **is back to taunting **Harry Potter **about the fact that he does not have a proper family. Again, if nobody realized yet, I am a dick.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Don't worry, bud. Mum and Dad are visiting Charlie in Romania, so my brothers and I are staying at Hogwarts, too! Don't let Malfoy get to you.

**Harry Potter**:Yay! Besties for life.

**Dudley Dursley**:I'm fucking ECSTATIC that you aren't coming home. MORE PRESENTS FOR DUDDERS :-D

**Harry Potter**:I'd love to know when I ever, EVER, took presents away from you.

**Dudley Dursley**:Maybe *I* might enjoy a pair of my father's old, dirty socks one Christmas – never thought of that did you, ya selfish bastard?

**Harry Potter**:Oh my god, I am going to treat you just as I have learned to treat Malfoy and his cronies: as invisible. I am rubber and you are glue.

**Dudley Dursley**:I'M NOT GLUE! WTF? YOU WILL DIE FOR THAT.

**Harry Potter**:Srsly? Do you have ANYTHING floating around that giant cranium of yours?

**Severus Snape**:Do YOU, Potter?

**Dudley Dursley**:Touché, Snapey.

**Severus Snape**:Do NOT call me…"Snapey."

**Hermione Jean Granger**:When Harry referred to you as glue, Dudley, he was referring to the famous rhyme, that I will type out fully here for your literary pleasure: "I am rubber and you are glue, whatever you say bounces off of me, and sticks to you." It means that he is aware of your insults, and aware of the fact that they will eventually come back to burn you in the end, when they are stuck to you and you cannot escape the pain that you have inflicted on him. You will live a very sad, lonely life because you are so miserably rude to everyone around you.

**Dudley Dursley**:FUCK YOU!

* * *

**Vernon Dursley **just found his only son, **Dudley Dursley**, crying in the corner of his room, muttering something about "a bitch from Harry's magic school." If anyone has information about this, inbox me…

(**Harry Potter**, **Ronald Weasley**, and **Hermione Jean Granger **like this.)

**Dudley Dursley**:DON'T START ACTING LIKE YOU ACUTALLY CARE ABOUT ME, DADDY.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **is going to lift trees from their roots – you can all just bow at my awesome strength.

**Ronald Weasley**:Ya want any help, Hagrid?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Nice of you to ask, but I'm good…you know, super strength and whatnot.

**Draco Malfoy**:Rofl, Weasley. Trying to earn some extra cash? Hoping to be a gamekeeper yourself when you leave Hogwarts…Hagrid's hut must seem like a palace compared to your house, after all…

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Wow, you really are a dick.

**Draco Malfoy**:And damn proud of it!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **sent **Draco Malfoy **an invitation for a Battle Royale.

**Severus Snape **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: WEASLEY! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST GRAB AT MALFOY'S ROBES? YOU ARE FILTH.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:He was provoked!

**Harry Potter**:Yes, Professor, he was. Malfoy was insulting his family!

**Severus Snape**:Oh-ho! Look at the biiiiig time CELEBRITY, coming out to defend the FILTH that wanders these halls…WOW, you must think you're reaaaally something, huh, Potter? You're big man on campus, aren't you? Oooh look at me, I'm Harry Potter, I have a lightening scar, and therefore, you can all bow down to my greatness!

**Harry Potter**:This hardly seems like a fair assessment of my character…as usual…

**Severus Snape**:Five points from Gryffindor. Be grateful it's not more!

**Harry Potter**:I mean, I'm not going to be grateful for that…we were only awarded five points for beating down a GIGANTIC mountain troll OURSELVES. I'm not exactly surprised anymore by Hogwarts' corrupted point system.

**Severus Snape**:Arrogant piece of shit…MOVE ALONG!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **swears on all that he owns that he WILL get Malfoy one day! (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**:Immediately after sending that status in, I realized that it's not a very terrifying threat…swearing by all that I own is a cop out; I literally own nothing but a couple of ratty sweaters and a hammy-down rat. Fan-fucking-tastic.

**Draco Malfoy**:Ha-ha-ha.

**Ronald Weasley**:Piss off!

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **Come on, it's nearly Christmas! Let's go to see the Great Hall – it looks super duper awesome and pretty & shit.

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**:OMG, that's so nice of you to say! I've been trying really hard to like, look good for everyone. It's like pretty cold and stuff, but like, I manage. So that really means a lot to me xoxo.

**Ronald Weasley**:Wow, Hogwarts is actually a really nice guy.

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**:OMG! That's sooo cute of you to say. Thank you! Thank you so much. I do, like, really try though. So I mean…it's not like I just end up this way because everybody's decorating me. Like, I put a lot of effort into it and stuff. You know?

**Ronald Weasley**:Um…yeah.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: We've only got a half hour before lunch – we should be in the library!

** Ronald Weasley**:Fuck that shit!

**Harry Potter**:Um, no, Ron…remember? We're researching Nicolas Flamel…keep it on the DL around Hagrid!

**Rubeus Hagrid**:I don't understand why you keep talking about me through Facebook. It's not even that you talk about me, it's that you do it in a public forum and it comes up on my news feed and it hurts my feelings…AND I told you to DROP IT! It's none of your business what that dog's guarding!

**Harry Potter**:Hagrid, I'm sorry, but this is the reason we try to keep things from you. You're being SO lame. Why don't you just tell us and save us the trouble of going to the library – it's SO boring!

**Rubeus Hagrid**:My lips are sealed!

**Harry Potter**:SINCE WHEN? You can't just pretend your lips are sealed and then give away PARTS of valuable information.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:I'll do whatever I damn well please, ya nosy whipper-snappers.

* * *

**Harry Potter **added "Nicolas Flamel" to their interests.

(**Hermione Jean Granger **and **Ronald Weasley **like this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter **Ugh, the library is so effing big. WTF? (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**:Just being here makes me nauseous.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You two are so embarrassing! The library is a magnificent place filled with wonder and beauty.

**Ronald Weasley**:You say we're embarrassing…I literally can't believe we hang around you.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Well, as J.K. Rowling said, we are now friends.

**Ronald Weasley**:IDK who that even is! She doesn't OWN me; I can do whatever the fuck I want.

**J.K. Rowling**:Er…actually…I _do _own you, as a matter of fact.

**Ronald Weasley**:…

* * *

**Harry Potter **RESTRICTED SECTION, BABY! ON THE LOOKOUT FOR PLAYBOY, BOO-YA! (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley **likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley**:What's playboy? It sounds fun.

**Harry Potter**:I guess it's equivalent to something like…Nasty Witches?

**Ronald Weasley**:Oooooohhhhhhh! WHAT ARE WE STANDING AROUND FOR? SEARCH!

* * *

**Irma Pince **sent **Harry Potter **a face full of feather duster.

**Irma Pince**:Get the FUCK out of this library! You are too young for Nasty Witches!

* * *

**Harry Potter **is standing outside of the library with a stolen copy of Nasty Witches. Ace. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: WE'VE FOUND NOTHING. You think you could've stolen something USEFUL from the Restricted Section?

**Harry Potter**:Speak for yourself. I find this very useful.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:BOYS! UGH! Just keep looking while I'm away and send me an owl if you find anything.

**Ronald Weasley**:Ask your parents if they know who Flamel is!

**Hermoien Jean Granger**:They're both dentists.

**Ronald Weasley**:Useless…as usual.

* * *

**Harry Potter **Ron and I are having WAY TOO MUCH FUN to think about Nicolas Flamel! Reading dirty magazines, having pillow fights…we're just a couple of guys being GREAT.

**Dudley Dursley**:You literally never cease to amaze me. You're trying very hard, aren't you?

**Harry Potter**:What are you going on about now, you fat bastard?

**Dudley Dursley**:Your statuses are so EMBARRASSING!

**Harry Potter**:Go fuck yourself, you fat fuck.

**Dudley Dursley **wrote on Young boys with fat bastard fathers and eating disorders's wall: Me again, all. My dumbass magical cousin is making fun of my girth again – as usual. Dad seemed to care about my tears for a while the other night but the only time he ever tried to talk to me was to tell me I better make him a cup of tea! Ugh, everyone thinks Harry is SO awesome – it's always poor little Harry this, poor little orphaned Harry that…he hasn't got a family, he had to sleep in a cupboard, boo-hoo-hoo! What about ME? It HURTS to be called fat!

* * *

**Harry Potter **added "Wizard Chess" to their interests.

(**Ronald Weasley **likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter **well, it's Christmas Eve. I'm pretty excited for Christmas – not expecting much in the way of gifts, though. Don't get me wrong, though, no gifts are better than the shit the Dursleys got me.

**Dudley Dursley**:You are so ungrateful.

**Draco Malfoy**:Srsly.

**Harry Potter**:Malfoy, are you for real? You are the most ungrateful piece of shit I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. You have all the money in the world and yet you're a greedy, bitter son of a bitch! Same goes for you, DUDDERS, you get everything that you could ever desire.

**Draco Malfoy**:Wow, whoever uttered the phrase "Christmas Spirit" never met this douche bag, right Dud?

**Dudley Dursley**:LMFAO :P So right.

**Draco Malfoy**:Still coming over for Christmas dinner?

**Dudley Dursley**:Of course! Can't wait!

**Draco Malfoy**:Funzies!

**Harry Potter**:OMG.

**Dudley Dursley**:Jealous much, Pothead?

**Draco Malfoy**:lolol. Yeah, Potter, ya JEALOUS?

* * *

**Harry Potter **is going to sleep, refusing to dignify his cousin and his arch-nemesis with a response to their antics.

(**Draco Malfoy **and **Dudley Dursley **like this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter **IT'S FUCKING CHRISTMAS, Y'ALL!

**Ronald Weasley**:Merry Christmas, Harry!

**Harry Potter**:Merry Christmas, Ron! Holy shit, I have presents!

**Ronald Weasley**:Uh, what were you expecting? Turnips?

**Harry Potter**:I literally was not even expecting turnips. I was expecting another day of life, that's pretty much how high my expectations went.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Thanks for the flute, man! It sounds like an owl!

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Um…it was supposed to be a spoon, but whatever.

**Harry Potter**:Why…would you give me a…spoon? For Christmas…?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Well, why would I give you a flute? What am I sissy-pants?

**Harry Potter**:No…what? I'm so confused. Why would you whittle me a wooden spoon? First of all, it has holes in it…and the end is totally shallow - it's not going to hold anything! And it could give me splinters!

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Oh my god. You really are an ungrateful son of a bitch, aren't you! Dudley was right.

**Harry Potter**:I'm sorry, Hagrid. It's a really nice spoon.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Yeah, yeah.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Vernon Dursley**'s wall: Hello. Thank you for the 50-pence piece. It has truly made a HUGE difference in my life…you know, considering the fact that I could totally use it to purchase something useful like…a piece of GUM, I suppose, if I didn't go to MAGIC SCHOOL and could only use MAGIC MONEY HERE. Dickhead.

**Vernon Weasley**:We actually spent 50 pence of our hard-earned money on you little shit. Dudley was right!

**Dudley Dursley**:Omg, thanks dad!

**Vernon Weasley**: Get ready, boy, we're off to the Malfoy's.

**Dudley Dursley**:YAY!

* * *

**Harry Potter **sent **Ronald Weasley **a fifty pence-piece.

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: *groan* I think Mum made you a Weasley sweater…embarrassing.

**Harry Potter**:Holy cow! This is the first article of clothing I've received that was given with love and _not _covered in Uncle Vernon's sweat!

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Molly Weasley**'s wall: Thank you, Mrs. Weasley! You are the most spectacular woman ever!

**Molly Weasley**:Oh, you're welcome dear!

**Ronald Weaslery**:Why the fuck is my sweater always MAROON? It clashes with my hair!

**Molly Weasley**:You're cruising for a bruising.

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh shit…

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **sent **Harry Potter **Chocolate Frogs.

**Hermione Jean Granger **sent **Ronald Weasley **a box of Every Flavor Beans.

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Uh…this is awkward. I did not get you anything…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:That's okay! You gave me your friendship!

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh, come on. That's enough…

* * *

**Harry Potter **just received an Invisibility Cloak from a mysterious stranger who claims it used to belong to my father! WTF?

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **likes this.)

* * *

**Percy Weasley **does NOT want to wear his Weasley sweater. It is obnoxious and degrading to the intelligence of those surrounding me to wear a sweater with my first initial stitched on the front!

**Fred Weasley**:Percy, if you don't mind –

**George Weasley**:– we'd like to say –

**Fred Weasley**:– fuck you, sir.

**George Weasley**:Also, you'll be sitting with us –

**Fred Weasley**:– at dinner. Because Christmas is a time –

**George Weasley**:– for family!

** Fred Weasley**:No matter how douchey they are…

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **sent **Minerva McGonagall **a kiss on the cheek.

* * *

**Harry Potter **aw shit, the teacher's are all getting shwasted.

(**Rubeus Hagrid **and **Minerva McGonagall **like this.)

**Percy Weasley**:I for one find it wildly inappropriate! Hagrid has had nearly five glasses already!

**George Weasley**:Sod off, Perce. He's a –

**Fred Weasley**:- big boy! A _very _big boy.

**Percy Weasley**:The glasses are double the size of my skull.

**George Weasley**:Hm…maybe someone should cut him off…

**Percy Weasley**:Thank you!

* * *

**Percy Weasley **does NOT appreciate the wedgie is just received, or the fact that his prefect badge was RIPPED from his blazer!

(**Fred Weasley**, **George Weasley**, **Ronald Weasley**, and **Rubeus Hagrid **like this.)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **is drifting off into a beautiful sleep, filled with rainbows and kittens and nothing anxiety inducing whatsoever.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is jealous of his best mate, sleeping like a baby. Who the FUCK sent me this Invisibility Cloak?

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter **going on an adventure to the Restricted Section! (sent from mobile)

**The Fat Lady**:That's not cool. I KNEW that I felt someone crawling through me!

**Harry Potter**:Gross.

**The Fat Lady**:You do realize that your frequent status updates, detailing your nearly exact whereabouts, are seriously negating the reason for the Invisibility Cloak, right?

**Harry Potter**:I don't even understand how you are managing to operate a computer, let alone a social networking site. I also don't understand when we became friends.

**The Fat Lady**:I hacked onto your page and accepted my request that had been sitting idly by for months, you little twit!

**Harry Potter**:I knew it! I'm not even going to ask how you managed to do THAT, you've already astounded me beyond belief.

* * *

**The Fat Lady **joined the group Young boys with fat bastard fathers and eating disorders.

**Dudley Dursley**:Your name is kind of a giveaway that you don't belong in this group…unless you're trying to be ironic.

**The Fat Lady**:The latter.

**The Fat Lady **and **Dudley Dursley **are now friends.

* * *

**Harry Potter **can't help but feel like these books are whispering to him! It's as if they know someone is in here who shouldn't be! (sent from mobile)

**Argus Filch**:Are you serious? What the fuck!

**Hedwig the Owl**:Come back to bed, dear.

**Harry Potter**:Hedwig, seriously, you need to get tested for STDs, pronto. Your ever-changing partners…it's seriously disturbing.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Listen, asshole, I've only been with Mrs. Norris and Argus is just…we're seeing where it leads.

**Harry Potter**:And Mrs. Norris has been with EVERYONE! Argus, you, the TURBAN, god only knows whom else! That means you've, technically, been with everyone.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Oh shit…that little skank…

* * *

**Harry Potter **this book is fucking screaming! I mean, I know I'm magic and everything but my heart will not get used to this shit – I'm about to have a stroke. (sent from mobile).

**Argus Filch**:Enough with these statuses! They're phantom – I have absolutely no idea where you are and Mrs. Norris was always there to sniff you out and now…*sigh*

**Hedwig the Owl**:What, I ain't good enough?

**Argus Filch**:No, no! It's not…it's just…I don't know. It's not the same.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Yeah, whatever, old man. I'm out.

**Argus Filch**:Nooooooooo! I can't bear to be alone! FUCK YOU, POTTER!

* * *

**Argus Filch **wrote on **Severus Snape**'s wall: You asked me to come directly to you, Professor, is anyone was wandering around at night, and somebody's been in the library – THE RESTRICTED SECTION. I have my own thoughts on whom it might be…

**Severus Snape**:Gonna stop you right there, Filch, mainly because I don't give a shit who you've conjured up in that rickety old mind of yours. *I* personally know EXACTLY who this is.

**Argus Filch**:Pretty sure we're thinking of the same person.

**Severus Snape**:NO FAIR! I thought of him first!

**Argus Filch**:Why do you have it in for Potter so badly? I mean…I hate everyone pretty much equally. But you're frighteningly obsessive.

**Severus Snape**:Shut up, bitch. He's such an entitled piece of good-for-nothing shit!

**Argus Filch**:Um…okay, well, I honestly hate everyone. Like, more than you could even ever understand. And as much as he's freaking me out, as he must have found a way to turn invisible, he's actually not that bad. He's totally grateful and shit.

**Severus Snape**:He thinks he's a fucking celebrity! He's just like his damn father.

**Argus Filch**:Oooohh, I get it now.

**Severus Snape**:What?

**Argus Filch**:No, nothing, I just…I totally get it now. Mrs. Norris told me you were harboring pent-up feelings against Harry's father and the fact that he stole Lily Evans from your dirty little fingers but I always said that was preposterous. Now it all makes sense…

**Severus Snape**:…fuck.

* * *

**Harry Potter**AHA! And Potter makes a narrow escape, as usual! Oh shit, is that a mirror? Gotta check mah face. Anyone know what the fuck "erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi" means? Is that shit German or something? Daaaamn. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: RON! I am looking into a fucking mirror right now and there's like…a crowd of people behind me…but the room is empty! THEY'RE INSIDE OF THE MIRROR. You CANNOT make this shit up! WAKE THE FUCK UP, LAZY-ASS!

**Ronald Weasley**:Excuse me, I just received your Facebook alert on my phone…you awoke me from a seriously satisfying sleep to write on my wall about what sounds to me like a bad trip. Get your shit together, mate.

**Harry Potter**:Ugh! I'm being serious! There's a really pretty woman with eyes like mine! GREEN! BRIGHT GREEN! And she's crying! And then there's a black-haired man with glasses just like mine. His hair is untidy – JUST LIKE MINE!

**Ronald Weasley**:Harry, those sound like your fucking parents. Are you shitting me right now? I know you never knew them but from what you've described, I don't understand the confusion.

**Harry Potter**:But how did they get inside a mirror?

**Ronald Weasley**:Seriously, mate, lay off the weed.

**Harry Potter**:I'm not on drugs! I'm looking at my entire family tree in this creepy-ass mirror!

**Ronald Weasley**:Not understanding how that second statement disproves the first statement that you're not on drugs.

**Harry Potter**:Wow, you're sort of snotty when you're tired, man.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, I know, I'm sorry, dude. Have fun with your parents and tell me all about it in the morning xox.

**Harry Potter**:Kay, bye bitch xo.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is staring into the unfading faces of his dead parents BBML. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Why didn't you wake me up to see your dead parents?

**Harry Potter**:Are you kidding me? We had a whole conversation via Facebook where I yelled at you to come look at the mirror with me! Check your wall!

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh…I was sleep-Facebooking again. Balls.

**Harry Potter**:You can come tonight…I want to see your family, too!

**Ronald Weasley**:We all look the same. It'll just be a ginger invasion. Plus, it might just show dead people…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:And the award of sensitivity goes to…

**Ronald Weasley**:Shove off, Hermione.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **is fucking cold and really sick of searching for Harry's dead parents. (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**:Wait, it's right here! Come on!

**Ronald Weasley**:I don't see anything…

**Harry Potter**:Stand right where I am…there you go…see?

**Ronald Weasley**:SHIT!

**Harry Potter**:I know, right! So cool!

**Ronald Weasley**:I'm Head Boy and I'm holding the House Cup…and the Quidditch Cup! And I'm Quidditch captain! And…wow, I am a good-looking son of a bitch.

**Harry Potter**:Oh my god. Ron, why is this about you right now? You're being such a bastard.

**Ronald Weasley**:Maybe the mirror shows the future! Boo-ya!

**Harry Potter**:Srsly? All my family is dead!

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh…right.

**Harry Potter**:Move aside, I want to see them again.

**Ronald Weasley**:You had it to yourself all last night, give me more time!

**Harry Potter**:RON, you're holding a fucking medal for god's sake! I want to see my fucking dead parents!

* * *

**Mrs. Norris **hears a disturbance in the halls…fuck me, it's Harry and Ron. They are so fucking stupid. Invisibility Cloaks don't work on cats, boys! lololololol. (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**:Shit! Don't tell Filch!

**Mrs. Norris**:As if. That mother-fucking bastard gets it on with my former lover, Hedwig? Fuck that shit. I'm a free agent now and I'm going to eat you boys for breakfast.

**Harry Potter**:Is that a…saying?

**Mrs. Norris**:No, I'm literally going to eat you for breakfast. You both are a bit too skinny for my taste though…I might hold off till I can track down Crabbe or Goyle…

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: RUN! BEFORE SHE CHANGES HER MIND!

**Harry Potter**:can't wait to go back to the mirror tonight.

**Ronald Weasley**:Are you kidding? That actually sounds like the worst idea ever.

**Harry Potter**:You sound like Hermione.

**Ronald Weasley**:Hold your tongue. I'm serious, don't go!

**Harry Potter**:I'm eleven-years-old, I do what I want.

**Ronald Weasley**:Ugh.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is back in front of what I'm now calling the Mirror of Unfading Happiness and Rainbows…lalala… (sent from mobile)

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Back again…Harry?

**Harry Potter**:FUCK! Where the fuck did you come from? Shit – excuse my language. But you can't just sneak up on people like that, old man.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Strange how nearsighted being invisible can make you. Heh heh.

**Harry Potter**:Um…yeah.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:So, looks like you've found the Mirror of Erised

**Harry Potter**:You mean the Mirror of Unfading Happiness and Rainbows…lalala…?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Whatever gets you through the day…I expect you've realized by now what it does?

**Harry Potter**:Um, yeah…I'm not retarded. It shows me my fuckin' dead family.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Yes, but it showed your friend Ron himself as Head Boy.

**Harry Potter**:How the fuck - ?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:I don't require a cloak to become invisible. I'm kind of legit like that.

**Harry Potter**:That's fuckin' creepy. You've been spying on me? I bet you're one of those that like, peeps on people in the bathroom and shit.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Can you think of what the Mirror of Erised shows us all?

**Harry Potter**:We're not in History of Magic class. Move it along, Grandpa.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:It shows us nothing more or less than the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts. This mirror will give us neither knowledge nor truth. Men have wasted away before it, entranced by what they have seen, or been driven mad, not knowing if what it shows is real or even possible.

**Harry Potter**:Have you been rehearsing this? Obviously I know what I see isn't real, gramps, my parents are fucking dead. You can stop talking to me like I'm three-years-old, this is the big league now. Just allow me to take this up into my room so I can lock myself in there for all eternity and have a tea-party with my dead parents forever and ever and ever and we all never die and we all are so super happy together and life is wonderful and everything is like apple pie. Forever.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Yeaaaah…I saw this coming. The Mirror will be moved to a new home tomorrow. DO NOT go looking for it again. This is what we call "cold turkey" in the biz.

**Harry Potter**:YOU FUCKING BASTARD! GIVE ME MY DEAD PARENTS! I WANT TO HAVE A TEA PARTY WITH MY DEAD PARENTS! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW! I WANT TO RIGHT NOW!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:You are in the midst of a tantrum. It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. Now put on the cloak and go to bed.

**Harry Potter**:Well, well, aren't you just a ray of fucking sunshine? You have about as much sensitivity as Ron does. You mind that I ask you a question, SIR, considering the fact that you've just taken all of my dreams and stamped them out on the floor, being the douche bag asshole that you are?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Well, you've just asked me a question. But I suppose you can ask one more.

**Harry Potter**:Right. After everything, you still have to be a dick. What do you see when you look in the mirror?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:I see myself holding a pair of thick, woolen socks.

**Harry Potter**:Fuck you.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wonders what Dumbledore ACTUALLY sees when he looks in the mirror. Perhaps himself and his ultimate gay lover?

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **likes this.)

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Right you are, Harry. So right you are. Can't find a good man these days!

**Harry Potter**:Oh…really? Hm…that explains the top-notch fashion sense.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Yes, I've been wondering about you, Harry…

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, I know, everyone thinks that I'm gay.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Um…I wasn't wondering that at all, actually. But…that is strange that your mind immediately went to that…very interesting.

**Harry Potter**:Aw, come on! I walked right into that, I guess.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:You and Ronald make a very nice couple ^_^

**Harry Potter**:*Sigh*

* * *

Chapter Thirteen

**Harry Potter** Mirror withdrawal SUCKS BALLS. I keep having the worst nightmares EVER.

**Ronald Weasley**: Dumbledore was right, man, you should've stopped ages ago. You wouldn't have to go through this if you had just listened to me.

**Harry Potter**: I DON'T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Do you mean to tell me that you found ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about Flamel during our two weeks off? And you were out of bed AFTER HOURS? P.S. I'm going to completely ignore the fact that you discovered such a rare object of magic and saw your family for the first time in your life.

* * *

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: I'M GONNA WORK YOU MOTHAFUCKAS TO DA GROUND!

**Fred Weasley **wrote on **Oliver Wood**'s wall: You're a fucking fanatic! Calm down!

(**Fred Weasley**, **George Weasley** and **3 others** like this.)

**George Weasley**: There's absolutely no reason for this fuckery.

**Harry Potter**: I disagree completely. I rather like training hours at a time in the worst elements possible. Keep up the great captain-ing, Oliver!

**Fred Weasley**: TRAITOR!

**Harry Potter**: Well SORRY that whenever we have a hard practice, I'm able to go through my withdrawal better!

* * *

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: YOU GUYS BETTER GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER – SNAPE IS GOING TO REF THE NEXT GAME! WE CAN'T AFFORD TO BE RETARDED!

**George Weasley **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: Give us that kind of devastating news when we're NOT hovering in the air! I almost fell off my broom! How the _hell_ is this fair? And since when do professors ref Quidditch games?

**Oliver Wood **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: It's an option that will only be available for the rest of this term. It sucks, but we just have to play fair, and give Snape no reason take away points.

**Harry Potter** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: Okay, guys, we're fucked. I'm sorry, but Snape hates my guts. I did absolutely nothing to the bastard, but he treats me like I took away the source of his happiness and snuffed it out while I cackled in his face.

**Oliver Wood **wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: …Shit.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **added "crushing Hermione in chess" to their interests.

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Hey, mate, what's the matter? Let's try and turn that frown upside down! Like so: :( - :)

**Harry Potter**: It seems Snape, who really does not look like he has ever flown a day in his life, has now decided to follow his dream of becoming a Quidditch ref. FML.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Don't play. Problem solved. Honestly, am I the only one who THINKS around here?

**Ronald Weasley**: He can't just NOT play, Hermione. He'll look like a pussy. You have to give a legit excuse. Say you're sick.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: That's the dumbest idea EVER. You can easily get better with Madam Pomfrey! Dolt. Here's a better suggestion: pretend to break your leg.

**Ronald Weasley**: Are you for real, Granger?

**Harry Potter**: I can't! There isn't a reserve Seeker. In fact, I don't think we even have reserves at all – Spinnet was apparently the last one, and now she's on the team. Merlin knows why *coughSHE'SSLEEPINGWITHWOOD*cough*

* * *

**Neville Longbottom **thinks Hogwarts kids are a bunch of assholes – who doesn't help a poor First Year hit with a Leg-Locker Curse? I had to hop all the way to the Gryffindor tower as hundreds of students (and some professors!) pointed and laughed at me. FUCK YOU ALL!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: I'll help you, Neville! Then you'll have to be my friend!

**Neville Longbottom**: Oh, great.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Who was dick-ish enough to do such a terrible thing?

**Neville Longbottom**: Malfoy, obvi. He wanted to practice on a human subject.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Report to McGonagall!

**Ronald Weasley**: So then he can be known as a stool pigeon? God, Hermione, this kid has enough problems. AND NEVILLE, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT STOOL PIGEON MEANS, DON'T ASK. DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

**Neville Longbottom**:But I really am quite curious.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: A "stool pigeon" is a slang term that's synonymous with "snitch," or "rat."

**Ronald Weasley**: Wow, Hermione, I'm surprised you didn't go into a long-winded speech about its first usage and other such useless information.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Yes, well, I suppose I'm getting a little more tolerable.

**Ronald Weasley**: INCONCEIVABLE! But srsly, Neville, you can't just take that shit lying down. Stand up for yourself! Stop being an embarrassment to the Gryffindor House!

* * *

**Harry Potter **sent **Neville Longbottom **a Chocolate Frog.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Neville Longbottom**'s wall: Don't listen to Malfoy. He's a loser; you're worth twelve of him. There's a reason why the Sorting Hat chose you for Gryffindor. I, personally, don't have a fucking clue, but I'm sure it will be revealed in time.

**Neville Longbottom**: Thanks, Harry, you cheered me right up.

**Neville Longbottom **sent **Harry Potter** a Chocolate Frog Trading Card.

* * *

**Harry Potter **OMFG THANK YOU **Neville Longbottom**! **Hermione Jean Granger** and **Ronald Weasley**: I FOUND FLAMEL! HE USED TO WORK WITH DUMBLEDORE IN ALCHEMY!

**Ronald Weasley**; What a stroke of luck that out of the thousands of collectable cards, you've managed to get the exact one you need! WHY MUST YOUR LIFE BE PERFECT?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: This is more exciting than getting back my first piece of homework! BRB.

**Ronald Weasey** sent **Harry Potter** a mystified look.

**Harry Potter** sent **Ronald Weasley** a mystified look.

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: How could I be so stupid! I never thought to look in this book! I got this book out of the library weeks ago for a bit of light reading! It solves everything!

**Ronald Weasley**: Are you fucking kidding, Hermione? Why are we friends again?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: STFU I'm researching!

**Ronald Weasley**: …Can we talk NOW? We've been watching you mutter to yourself for the past forty-five minutes!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: FOUND IT: Nicolas Flamel is the only known maker of the Sorcerer's Stone! THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.

**Harry Potter**: …Huh?

**Ronald Weasley**: What?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: HONESTLY, don't you two READ?

**Ronald Weasley**: We haven't read in months – ever since you started doing our homework, I haven't touched a textbook since.

**Harry Potter**: That's not true, Ron! We read Nasty Witches.

**Ronald Weasley**: True dat. See, Hermione, we DO read.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard to be your friends…

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** sent **Harry Potter** and **Ronald Weasley** a piece of text from an extremely old and large textbook.

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: That beast of a creature must be guarding Flamel's stone! Since Flamel and Dumbledore are biffles, Flamel must've asked Dumbledore to keep the stone safe since he must've known someone was after it! It all makes sense!

**Harry Potter**: Whoa, this stone sounds pretty sweet: it makes gold and stops people from dying. Everyone in the fucking world must want this.

**Ronald Weasley**: And no wonder we couldn't find Flamel in that "Study of Recent Developments in Wizardry" – he's not exactly recent if he's 665, is he?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:…That doesn't even warrant a response.

**Ronald Weasley**: Technically, you did respond to me :P

**Hermione Jean Granger**:ARGH!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: If I had a Sorcerer's Stone, I would def make a bitchload of goal and buy my own Quidditch team.

**Harry Potter**: Oh shit, that reminds me about the upcoming game with Snape! Fuck! But you know what, I'm just going to play. I can't let the Slytherins think I'm scared. I'll show them…it'll really wipe the smiles off their faces if we win.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Just as long as we're not wiping you off the field.

**Harry Potter**: …That was so fucking morbid, Hermione.

**Ronald Weasley**: CAN WE, FOR ONCE, FOCUS ON ME? WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF DISCUSSING WHAT WE WERE GOING TO DO WITH THE SORCERER'S STONE, AND OF COURSE, WHEN IT'S MY TURN, WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. FUCK YOU GUYS!

**Harry Potter**: So, yeah, Hermione, can I copy your notes on werewolf bites later?

* * *

**Harry Potter** is really nervous about this match!

**Oliver Wood**: We all are, mate! This is SERIOUS SHIT. The idea of ending the Slytherin seven-year winning streak literally makes me jizz in my pants.

**Harry Potter**: TMI, Oliver.

**Alicia Spinnet**: Oh, so you'll get hot and bothered by the fantasy of winning the House Cup, but you'll barely bat an eye when your lover tries to seduce you? HOW DARE YOU.

**Oliver Wood**: You know I'm really attracted to you, Alicia! It's just…Quidditch right now is more important, I'm sorry!

**Harry Potter**: Can you not have this conversation on my status? I'm eleven-years-old, you know. Still innocent. Kthx.

* * *

**Harry Potter** feels like **Severus Snape** is stalking him. Honestly, why does this man have such a hard-on for me?

**Severus Snape**: Oh, so you just think that because I try and bump into you in the corridors between all your classes and I constantly torture you in class, I MUST be obsessed with you? Potter, you could not be more obnoxious.

**Harry Potter**: *Sigh* I suppose I set myself up for that one…

* * *

**Harry Potter** wonders if **Severus Snape** can maybe read minds…

(**Severus Snape** likes this.)

**Severus Snape**: Yes, Potter, be VERY afraid. I have access to your entire head, which is always full of thoughts about how awesome you are, even though in reality, you're a piece of good-for-nothing shit. DON'T DENY IT.

**Harry Potter**: If you could really read minds, you would know that I think it's complete bullshit that such a biased referee will be used in the upcoming match, and that I've been thinking about the Sorcerer's Stone. AM I IN ANY OF THOSE THOUGHTS? NO.

**Severus Snape**: I know exactly what you're thinking now! HAH.

**Harry Potter**: DAMN IT. That was rather stupid of me. But I still think you can maybe read minds. Note this status, Facebookers! It may mean something in the future!

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: I wonder if we'll see Harry alive again after this match.

**Harry Potter**: Thanks for the vote of confidence, guys. As if I'm not already FREAKING OUT as it is! Douche bags.

* * *

**Neville Longbottom** wonders why **Hermione Jean Granger** and **Ronald Weasley** look like they're attending a funeral. And why they brought their wands. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **is attending Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff Quidditch Match.

* * *

**Harry Potter** IS SO FUCKING RELIEVED – THANK YOU, **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **FOR COMING TO THIS MATCH XOXO LYL (sent from mobile)

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Did you read your newsfeed? Dumbledore is going to the match! There's no way in hell Snape would try to kill Harry now! That must be why Snape is so pissed off…

(**Hermione Jean Granger** likes this.)

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** poked **Ronald Weasley**.

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: What the hell do you want, Malfoy?

**Draco Malfoy**:Well, Crabbe and Goyle and I were wondering how long Potter is going to last on his broom this time. Want to bet? You could use some money, Poorsley.

**Ronald Weasley**: Okay, there are many things in your response that I must pick apart. First: Crabbe and Goyle do not use their brains, under any circumstances, so that makes no fucking sense. Second: Harry almost falling to his death during the last match was clearly not reflective of his flying skillz – his broom was clearly being jinxed. Third: YOU USED THAT STUPID-ASS PUN A SECOND TIME?

* * *

**George Weasley** for the record: I didn't try to hit Snape in the face. I was aiming for his ribs. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: You know how I think they choose people for the Gryffindor team? It's people they feel sorry for. See, there's Potter, who's got no parents, then there's the Weasleys, who've got no money – you should be on the team, Longbottom, you've got no brains. HAR HAR, I'm so clever. And a dick.

**Neville Longbottom**: I'm worth twelve of you, Malfoy!

**Harry Potter**: Even though I'm in the middle of a Quidditch game, I would just like to point out that this is a rather sweet moment – Neville actually taking what I said and applying it! Adorable. 'Kay, continue!

**Draco Malfoy**: LOL.

**Ronald Weasley**: You tell him, Neville!

**Draco Malfoy**: Longbottom, if brains were gold, you'd be poorer than Weasley, and that's saying something.

**Ronald Weasley**: Don't you have anything better to do than to bother us? If you say one more word to me, I'm literally going to have to kick your ass.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: RON! Sorry to break up your pointless testosterone-filled threatening, but look at Harry!

**Ronald Weasley**: Err…Hermione? Why are you crossing your fingers in your mouth? That's rather odd…

**Hermione Jean Granger**: I'M REALLY CONCERNED ABOUT HARRY, OKAY? YOU SHOULD BE DOING THE SAME.

**Ronald Weasley**: I'm not sticking my fingers in my mouth. I doubt having crossed fingers in my mouth will increase Harry's luck.

**Draco Malfoy**: Did you see Potter dive? You're luck must be increasing instead: Potter's obviously spotted some money on the ground.

**Ronald Weasley**: THAT'S IT, YOUR ASS IS MINE, BITCH.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** poked **Draco Malfoy**.

**Draco Malfoy** poked **Ronald Weasley**.

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**Neville Longbottom** I think I'm going to actually do something! (sent from mobile)

**Neville Longbottom **poked **Draco Malfoy**.

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**Crabbe **wrote on **Goyle**'s wall: Should we help Draco?

**Goyle**: Well…I mean…we should. Be good minions.

**Crabbe**: I'm on the fence. Draco does kind of deserve this, but this fight is now two against one.

**Goyle**: But if we join, it'll be 3 against 2.

**Crabbe**: Not really…I wouldn't count Draco as a capable fighter. He's a sissy.

**Goyle**: That's quite true…all right. Let's jump in, then.

**Crabbe** poked **Neville Longbottom**.

**Goyle **poked **Ronald Weasley**.

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* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: COME ON, HARRY!

**Harry Potter**: I'm fucking trying, bitch! Let me concentrate!

* * *

**Harry Potter** has caught the Snitch. Holla! (sent from mobile)

(**Hermione Jean Granger** and **790 others** like this.)

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Well done, old chap! It looks like your withdrawal has been going fine!

**Harry Potter**: Actually, to be quite frank, it's been a living hell, but one day at a time, right?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:You said it, homie.

* * *

**Severus Snape** added "spitting bitterly on the ground" to their interests.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is rather proud of himself – no one can say I'm just a famous name anymore! (sent from mobile)

**Severus Snape**: CATCHING A SNITCH IN FIVE MINUTES DOESN'T MAKE YOU A GOD, POTTER. JESUS H. CHRIST, YOU ARE SUCH AN ARROGANT BASTARD!

**Harry Potter**: You know what? FUCK YOU. This is the first time in my life where I actually DESERVE to be praised! I didn't do shit when I was one-years-old. In fact, while Voldemort was trying to kill me, I was just staring up at him like a big dope, probably thinking he was a kitty. Let me have this ONE moment of glory?

**Severus Snape**: NEVER.

* * *

**Harry Potter** Spotted: Snape walking into the forbidden forest at dinnertime. Gotta check this out. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Quirinus Quirrell **wrote on **Severus Snape**'s wall: I d-don't know why you w-w-w-wanted t-to meet here of all p-p-places, Severus…

**Severus Snape**: Could you drop the stutter for just two fucking seconds? It's much easier to just type properly than to add stutters!

**Quirinus Quirrell**:S-s-s-s-sorry, I c-can't help it.

**Severus Snape**:UGH whatevs. I thought I would keep this private. Students aren't supposed to know about the Sorcerer's Stone, you dipshit. Have you found out how to get past that oaf's beast yet?

**Quirinus Quirrell**:B-but Severus, I d-d-don't know what y-you're talking about.

**Severus Snape**: You do NOT want to fuck with me, Quirrell. My being your enemy is the LAST thing you want. And you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

* * *

**Harry Potter** holy shit! Almost fell out of a tree! I don't think I missed any clarifying info…just something about hocus-pocus. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Severus Snape** wrote on **Quirinus Quirrell**'s wall: We'll have another little chat soon – you need to think about where your loyalties lie. Even though it's really fucking obvious, especially with that suspicious turban.

**Quirrell's Turban**: FUCK YOU, SNAPE. IMMA EAT YOU FO BREAKFAST.

**Severus Snape**: Just think about it, yeah? K bye!

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Harry, where the fuck have you been?

**Ronald Weasley**: Hey, mate! Guess what? I gave Malfoy a black eye! And Neville actually proved his status as a Gryffindor by attempting to take on Grabbe and Goyle by himself. He's still out cold, but Madam Pomfrey says he'll be up and about in a few weeks – just needs to get over the coma. Anyway, everyone's partying in the common room – Fred and George stole some food from the kitchens. Let's go!

**Harry Potter**:STFU, I need to tell you guys something that's actually important!

**Harry Potter**: We were SO right about the Sorcerer's Stone being in the school, and now Snape is trying to use Quirrell to steal it. Probably needs the poor bastard to break through some spells, even though I seriously doubt Quirrell's capability on that – I haven't learned a damn thing in DADA all year…

**Hermione Jean Granger**: So let me get this straight…you mean the Stone's only safe as long as Quirrell stands up to Snape?

**Ronald Weasley**:It'll be gone by next Tuesday.

**Harry Potter**: Talk about having high expectations – it'll be gone by tomorrow morning. We're fucked.

* * *

Chapter Fourteen

**Harry Potter **Fluffy's still guarding the trap door; Snape is still being a bitch. All is right in the world thanks to me.

**Severus Snape**:I don't know what the fuck you think you're talking about, Potter, but this is just another example of your unadulterated, self-indulgent BULLSHIT.

**Harry Potter**:Yep. Deal with it.

**Severus Snape**:GAH!

* * *

**Harry Potter **sent **Quirnius Quirrell **an encouraging sort of smile.

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Listen up, y'all, don't make fun of Quirrell's stutter! He's got A LOT on his plate, guys. A LOT! Super secret stuff that don't concern you lot.

**Quirnius Quirrell **what the f-f-fuck is g-going on around here?

**Quirrell's Turban **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: WE DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKING SYMPATHY, POTTER. WIPE THAT ENCOURAGING, DUMBASS SMILE OFF YOUR GOB!

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **is busy drawing up study schedules and color-coordinating all of her notes! ^_^

**Harry Potter**:Fuck that shit. We have more important things to deal with.

**Ronald Weasley**:EXAMS ARE LITERALLY AGES AWAY!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Please don't be so careless with vocabulary, Ronald. The word "literally" does not apply here. The exams are not LITERALLY ages away; they are exactly ten weeks away. I'm planning perfectly ahead of schedule. AND YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME.

**Ronald Weasley**:We wouldn't care if you didn't nag us so often! What are you studying for anyway, you know it all!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:WHAT? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME, BITCH-ASS! WE NEED TO PASS THESE EXAMS TO GET INTO SECOND YEAR, YA DUMB DOUCHE! I SHOULD HAVE STARTED STUDYING A FUCKIN' MONTH AGO!

**Ronald Weasley**:Woah.

**Harry Potter**:That was…COMPLETELY unexpected!

**Ronald Weasley**:Srsly! What the fucking bloody hell was that?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I apologize. Ahem…

**Ronald Weasley**:Learn to take a compliment, you fucking loony.

* * *

**Harry Potter **cannot believe he and **Ronald Weasley **are in the library with the Nazi, **Hermione Jean Granger**. This is torturous. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: WTF are you doing in a library, Hagrid?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:I should say the same to you, Weasley! I'm…just looking…you're not…looking for Nicolas Flamel…are you?

**Ronald Weasley**:Could you try and be a little less obvious, Hagrid? And we found out ALL about him and the Sorcerer's St

**Harry Potter**:Hagrid, wtf was that? Did you seriously just jack Ron's phone?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:You can't go spouting your mouth about stuff like that! Anyone on the Internet can read it!

**Harry Potter**:Well you acted a little too late, bud. It's pretty obvious what Ron was about to type.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Humbug.

**Harry Potter**:Listen, though, there are a few things I wanted to ask you regarding the Stone…apart from Fluf

**Ronald Weasley**:HAGRID! ENOUGH WITH GRABBING OUR PHONES!

**Rubeus Hagrid**:You shouldn't even have them to begin with! Technology like this is extremely dangerous.

**Harry Potter**:Then why do you have one?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Meh…official…Hogwarts business….groundkeepers and such…

**Ronald Weasley**:Riiiiight.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Come and see me later and I'll try and answer SOME THINGS for you meddling kids.

**Harry Potter**:THANKSIES!

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: What was he hiding behind his back?

**Harry Potter**:Do you think it had something to do with the Stone?

**Ronald Weasley**:I'm going to check what section the great oaf was in…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:He's just using that as an excuse to stop working.

**Harry Potter**:I don't blame him! You're working us like slaves.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You don't have to do ANYTHING you don't want to do.

**Harry Potter**:Oh alright, I didn't realize it was that easy. I'll be going then…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:NOO! YOU'RE GOING TO FAAAAAAILLLLL AND THEN I WON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS NEXT YEAR! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE MEEEEEEEEE.

**Harry Potter**:Aaaand the truth comes out. Why didn't you just say so? I was wondering why you feared us failing so deeply.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Shut up and study.

**Ronald Weasley**:So, I found ALL of these books in that section, HERMIONE, you know, while I was making "EXCUSES" to leave!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Shut up, bitch. What did you find?

**Ronald Weasley**:SHEESH! He was looking up stuff about dragons.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Oh yeah, that's TOTALLY helpful, Ronald. I'm being sarcastic.

**Ronald Weasley**:I couldn't tell, I thought you were paying me a LEGITIMATE COMPLIMENT FOR ONCE, you dumb bitch. Oh yeah, and I'm being sarcastic, BY THE WAY. Jesus Christ, stress has had a ridiculously negative effect on you, hasn't it?

**Harry Potter**:And I'm ending this disgusting display of sexual tension…NOW.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

**Harry Potter**:It's so obvious you two go at it so much because you have deep-seeded, romantic feelings for one another that, unfortunately for me, will not be realized any time soon…I give it five or six more years of this torture…

**Ronald Weasley**:That's icky.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Ha-ha, you have deep-seeded, romantic feelings for me. You probably want to kiss me right now.

**Ronald Weasley**:I can't speak for the future but right now I want to wring your neck, dipshit.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:GASP!

**Harry Potter**:Sorry I even brought that up, I didn't realize it would only fuel your arguments…as I was TRYING to say…Hagrid has always wanted a dragon – he told me so the first time I ever met him!

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, but it's against our laws. It was outlawed by the Warlocks' Convention of 1709. Everybody knows that.

**Harry Potter**:Well la-dee-da! If I hadn't mentioned it a thousand times ALREADY, I was unaware of magic until a month before fucking school started!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Wow, Ron…that was actually really impressive. I can't believe you remembered specific information like that…

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah…I don't know…I mean…it interests me…so…it's kind of easier that way…heh…

**Harry Potter**:Omg STFU, this is definitely worse than the bickering. But that was actually really strange, impressive, and out of character for you, Ron.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, I didn't really like it. It seemed weird. I finally know what it's like to be Hermione and it ain't a good feeling.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Shut the fuck up, bastard. You wish you were me.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, I wish I were a bushy-haired, buck-toothed know-it-all bitch with a future of being surrounded by cats.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:…

**Ronald Weasley **Ya gonna cry again? Ya gonna try to get us killed by a giant oaf of a troll? Dumbass…

**The Troll **Hey, ginger, you best shut the eff up we coulda been like, real cool and stuff. We coulda been like best friends if you just let me take a pee, girl.

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh my god…you're still alive?

**The Troll**:You bet! Y'all did quite a number on this bitch but I'm a trooper, ya knooow.

**Ronald Weasley**:Um…cool.

**The Troll**:Bye bitch xox

**Hedwig the Owl**:So you guys met The Troll?

**Harry Potter**:Hedwig…please don't tell me…

**Hedwig the Owl**:Whatever, you know, we got to talking after everyone ran away that night…we've just been Facebooking, it's not a big deal.

**Harry Potter**:The Troll struck me as gay…

**Hedwig the Owl**:Yeah?

**Harry Potter**:And…you're a girl…

**Hedwig the Owl**:Oh, not anymore.

**Harry Potter**:What?

**Hedwig the Owl**:Sex change, bitch. Come on, you thought I was a guy from the beginning!

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, well…I always thought you were sort of…butch…how does Mrs. Norris feel about this?

**Hedwig the Owl**:Well she goes both ways but prefers guys.

**Harry Potter**:And Filch?

**Hedwig the Owl**:We're done. He didn't respect my sex change. I was like, yo, that's enough, bitch. You take me as I am, ya know?

**Harry Potter**:Um…yeah. This is too much for me.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Deal with it, Pothead. Listen, I gotta go see the Troll. I don't like to talk to you for extended amounts of time, you bore the hell out of me.

**Harry Potter**:…bye…

**Ronald Weasley**:That was really weird.

**Harry Potter**:You're telling me.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: HEEYYYY! HAGRID, OPEN UP! WE'RE HERE FOR OUR SPECIAL SUPER SECRET MEEEETTTINNGG!

**Rubeus Hagrid**:WTF is wrong with you, kid! Get in, quick!

**Harry Potter**:Let's cut to the chase…it's fucking hot in here…shit!

**Rubeus Hagrid**:You were cutting to the chase?

**Harry Potter**:Right. We wanted to ask you what's guarding the Sorcerer's Stone apart from Fluffy.

**Rubeus Hagrid **sent **Harry Potter **a frown.

**Rubeus Hagrid **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: You're out of your god-forsaken mind. First of all, I have no fucking clue what's guarding the Stone. And that's a good thing, because second of all, you know too much already! The Stone was almost stolen out of Gringotts – how the hell did you figure all of this out anyway?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Come oooon, Haggy. You might not wanna tell uuuss, but you dooo know eveeeerything that goes on round here! We only wondered who had _done _the guarding, reaaally. We wondered who Dumbledore had trusted enough to help him, apart from yooouu of course!

**Hermione Jean Granger **sent **Rubeus Hagrid **a bat of her eyelashes.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Wow, wtf is up with Hermione being the greatest person ever and turning on the charm? Clearly, nobody has paid Hagrid a compliment in a VERY long time.

**Harry Potter**:I know, it's fucking awesome! Love taking advantage of Hagrid's insecurities!

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Weeeell, I guess I could tell ya that…he borrowed Fluffy from me…then some of the teachers did enchantments…Professor Sprout, Flitwick, McGonagall…Quirrell...Dumbledore himself…Uhh…who else?

**Harry Potter**:Yes?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Oh yeah, Snape.

**Harry Potter**:SNAPE?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Yeah, Harry. Calm the fuck down. How are you STILL on about that? Snape helped PROTECT the stone, dumb ass.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Hagrid's being the dumb ass, not me. It's so obvious that Snape would get involved with guarding the Stone just so he could find out how the other teachers charmed it – he probably knows everything! He's the perfect candidate to break in.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: You're the only one who knows how to get past Fluffy, aren't you, Hagrid? And you wouldn't tell anyone, WOULD YOU?

**Ronald Weasley**:Harry, is this a serious question? Hagrid always ends up telling us everything we need to know. He would tell a psychotic homeless man who stumbled up to his hut.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:STFU GINGER! Not a soul knows except Dumbledore and me! Hear that? I'm special!

**Harry Potter**:Hagrid, can we get a fuckin' window open in here? I'm boiling.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Can't Harry…

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **sent **The Fireplace **a suspicious glance.

**The Fireplace **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Dumb-dumb! I told you to keep your eyes off me!

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: As usual, Hagrid, you are doing nothing in the way of keeping secrets from us. What the hell is in the fire? (I already know it's a dragon egg, we're a lot smarter than you give us credit for).

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Ah, shit…

**Ronald Weasley**:Where'd ya get it, Hag? It must've cost ya a fortune.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:I…won it. Last night…I had a few drinks with a strange man and he said he wanted to get rid of it.

**Ronald Weasley**:Hagrid. That's the shadiest transaction thing I've ever fucking heard of. Do you have ANYTHING in the way of common sense? Or do you just clomp around through life oblivious of the effects of your actions?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:…The latter…

**Harry Potter**:and what do you plan on doing with it once it's hatched?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Uuuumm…well I've been reading some stuff…you know mostly you gotta put it in fire until it hatches…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Hagrid…you live in a _wooden house_.

**Ronald Weasley**:It's not listening. He's merrily stoking the little fire he's got going on over there. Jesus Christ…we should get out of here before we _all _go up in flames.

* * *

**Harry Potter **a new day, something new to worry about…i.e. people finding out what Hagrid is hiding in his wooden house... (sent from mobile)

**Draco Malfoy**:Oh, I'm so gonna find this out, Pothead, just you fuckin' wait!

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, yeah. I guess we should both suspend disbelief and pretend as though you have a brain in that pale little head of yours?

**Draco Malfoy**:Mehmehmeh.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **I wonder what it's like to have a peaceful life…

**Harry Potter**:I know; it's kind of selfish of Hagrid to burden us with this information.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Well, we were kind of asking for it.

**Ronald Weasley**:It's not our fault Hagrid's a void of endlessly dangerous secrets.

* * *

**Hedwig the Owl** sent **Harry Potter** a letter.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Here's a letter for you, bitch.

**Harry Potter**:What did I do this time?

**Hedwig the Owl**:I see the way you look at me. You judge me for my sex change. Intolerant piece of shit…why I oughta smash those arrogant little glasses into your eye holes…

**Harry Potter**:? I am nothing but accepting of your alternate lifestyle!

**Hedwig the Owl**:ALTERNATE! There you go throwing around fancy-shmancy words. I call bullshit.

**Harry Potter**:Alright, scram then.

**Hedwig the Owl**:GASP!

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Shit. Hagrid says it's hatching…

**Ronald Weasley**:Let's skip Herbology and go right down to the hut!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I won't even hear of it!

**Ronald Weasley**:Harry, let's skip Herbology and go right down to the hut!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:RON! Not one of us is skipping class! We will file down there in an orderly fashion after our brains have soaked up as much knowledge as possible for today.

**Ronald Weasley**:How many times are we going to see a fucking DRAGON hatch?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:If we get in trouble going down to Hagrid's to see a DRAGON HATCH FROM AN EGG, Hagrid will get in trouble as well! And BIG trouble at that!

**Harry Potter**:STFU, you two! MALFOY!

**Ronald Weasley**:Ugh…I sense a budding obsession with the blonde-haired twit.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is sick of Ron and Hermione arguing…also doesn't like the look on Malfoy's face…how much did he hear?

** Draco Malfoy**:Ha! Now it's my turn for secrets.

**Harry Potter**:Fuck you.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **is gonna be a mummy!

(**Ronald Weasley **and **Hermione Jean Granger **like this.)

**Harry Potter**:…the fuck…

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **oh my god, it's so beautiful!

(**Draco Malfoy **likes this.)

**Norbert the Dragon**:Sup bitches? Yeah, I just sneezed. God bless me, motherfuckers!

**Harry Potter**:How fast do these things tend to grow?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Oh shit.

**Harry Potter**:What?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Someone was just lookin' in through the window…

**Harry Potter**:MALFOY. No wonder he liked your status! I thought he was just being a dick! SHITFUCK!

**Ronald Weasley**:You should let him go!

**Rubeus Hagrid**:I can't! He's too little! And this is probably the only chance I'll get to be a mum!

**Ronald Weasley**:For more reasons than one! Wtf?

**Rubeus Hagrid**, **Harry Potter**, **Ronald Weasley**, and **Hermione Jean Granger **are now friends with **Norbert the Dragon**.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Hagrid, Norbert has grown three times his size in a week!

**Rubeus Hagrid**:No duh, I'm the one that lives with him! Watch this! Hey, Norbert! Heeey! Where's Mummy, Norbert!

**Ronald Weasley**:He has officially lost his marbles.

**Norbert the Dragon**:You're telling ME? I don't know where "Mummy" is; all I see is some fat, hairy bastard looking down at me! That ain't my mummy! This great oaf must have stolen me from my mum…yeah, I'm so _grateful_, to you, piece of shit bastard. I'll never know my fuckin' mummy! Or my dad for that matter.

**Harry Potter**:Hey, little buddy, I didn't know my parents either!

**Norbert the Dragon**:Wow, I am just completely surrounded by GENIUSES! Fuck! Yeah, that really makes me feel a whole lot better, Four-Eyes. The only way that would make me feel better is if your lack of a mother would somehow give me back mine! Shit. How the fuck does us BOTH not having mothers help ANYTHING?

**Harry Potter**:What a perfect angel…Hagrid, Norbert is gonna go to be as big as your house. Malfoy could go to Dumbledore at any moment!

**Rubeus Hagrid**:I knoooowwww! *sobs* But I don't know what to doooooo!

**Norbert the Dragon**:Yep, life's great. I've got a big fat giant crying over me while I continue to GROW, something everybody talks about as if I can HELP…then I got Four-Eyes over here blessing me with his life story. Fuck.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: WAIT! Charlie!

**Ronald Weasley**:Me Ron! Losing it, Harry?

**Harry Potter**:NO! Charlie – in Romania. Studying dragons. We could send Norbert to him. He can take care of him till he's ready to go back into the wild!

**Ronald Weasley**:Brilliant! How about it Hagrid?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:*sniffle* I guess so…

**Norbert the Dragon**:Great. Now you're sending me to somebody who sounds even less like my mother. Charlie in Romania? Ugh. I guess anything's better than this dump. Please, get rid of me soon I'm about to tear this place up and eat the lot of you. All this bastard gives me is chicken blood and brandy. I've been drunk as shit and I'm not even a month old! Someone call child protective services.

**Ronald Weasley**:Hey, treat us with a little respect, punk.

**Norbert the Dragon**:When I begin my reign of terror on this hut, you will be the first to go, Ginger.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Hey, whatcha doin' in the common room all by yourself, Harry?

**Ronald Weasley**:He's waiting for me…I was at Hagrid's helping to feed the bastard child.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:That's extremely dangerous, Ronald.

**Ronald Weasley**:You're telling me? I got bit by the little punk-ass bitch. And Hagrid did NOTHING in the way of reprimanding it – he sang it a lullaby!

**Norbert the Dragon**:That's right, I got that oaf wrapped around my little claw. Deal with it, bitches. And your flesh tastes like SHIT. I guess that's what poor tastes like ha.

**Draco Malfoy**:lololol! Schooled by a dragon, Poorsley!

**Norbert the Dragon**:Is that…is that supposed to be a pun on his last name? Wtf? Weasley, you let this kind of dumb ass bitch make fun of you? Wow, you really are more pathetic than even I thought you were.

**Ronald Weasley**:Omg, you're so fucking mean! I can't wait until you leave!

**Norbert the Dragon**:Cry your broke-ass all you want. One day I'm gonna grow up reaaal big and strong and I'm gonna come and crush you & your ginger family. Sleep with one eye open, bitch.

**Ronald Weasley**:*whimper*

**Draco Malfoy**:lol

**Ronald Weasley**:STFU, he schooled you, too.

* * *

**Hedwig the Owl** sent **Harry Potter** a letter.

**Hedwig the Owl **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: If you don't mind, I'd appreciate if you got a little less mail. When the big man bought me that fateful day, he assured me that you were alone in the world and would rarely receive any mail. So what the fuck is this? He's sending you mail, this redhead bitch from Romania is sending you mail…fuck! I'm fully aware that you get NOTHING, but The Troll and I are busy!

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Charlie says he'll take Norbert! We have to get Norbert to the tallest tower at midnight on Saturday…

**Norbert the Dragon**:Ha ha ha, good luck with that, suckers!

**Ronald Weasley**:Ugh. Don't you want to leave!

**Norbert the Dragon**:Yes, but what I want more than anything is to be the biggest pain in the ass you've ever encountered. And that's saying something, because I know you hang out with that bushy-haired bitch.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Excuse me!

**Ronald Weasley**:lololol! You know, you're alright, Norbert! Maybe we can be friends after all. High five!

**Norbert the Dragon**:Alright, you had me till the high five. Virtual high five? Jesus Christ. Nope, still gonna give you a hard time, ging.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **my fucking hand is swollen and green! Your fangs are fucking poisonous, **Norbert the Dragon**! Ya fuckin' bitch...

(**Norbert the Dragon **likes this.)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Uh…bad news. Malfoy pretended he needed to borrow one of my books so he could come into the hospital wing and gloat…but the book that he took contained Charlie's letter…so…he knows all about the plan…

**Norbert the Dragon**:Haha! I didn't even need to do anything, you handled it all for me, Big Red! Hehehehe

**Poppy Pomfrey**:GET OUT! SCRAM! Bunch of lying, meddling kids…

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: We haven't got time to change the plan now! We'll have to risk it! And Malfoy doesn't know about the Invisibility Cloak…

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **wrote on **Norbert the Dragon**'s wall: Okay, buddy, I've packed ya loads of rats for the trip…and your teddy bear in case you get lonely!

**Norbert the Dragon**:What am I, a fuckin' baby? I'm a DRAGON, got damnit! I'm gonna eat that fuckin teddy bear the first chance I get! Peace, dumb ass!

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Bye-bye Norbert! Mummy loves you!

**Norbert the Dragon**:Can you not understand me? Shit!

**Harry Potter**:Norbert, please try your best to be good.

**Norbert the Dragon**:NEVER!

**Harry Potter **sent **Norbert the Dragon **a light sedative.

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: DETENTION! AND TWENTY POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN! HOW DARE YOU WANDER AROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!

**Draco Malfoy**:You don't understand! Potter's coming – he's got a dragon!

**Minerva McGonagall**:RUBBISH! You're going to rot in detention, Mr. Malfoy!

**Draco Malfoy**:This sort of favoritism is absurd!

**Minerva McGonagall**:And what do you call the shit Professor Snape inflicts upon all other houses! This is payback, bitch. And you just happened to be in the right place at the right time. For me, at least.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Malfoy's got detention! I COULD SING!

**Harry Potter**:DON'T! STFU!

**Norbert the Dragon**:I'm getting very restless in here! You gave me a fuckin' *light* sedative dumb ass; I'm about to raise hell!

**Charlie's Friends**:** '**Ello there! We're a quite cheery lot, here to take the dragon off your hands! Look at this harness! Fun, huh?

**Norbert the Dragon**:Fuck…

**Harry Potter**:Wow, this is an incredible stroke of luck! What could possible spoil our happiness?

**Argus Filch**:What about me?

**Harry Potter**:Fuck.

* * *

A/N: Please remember to drop a review! We love hearing your thoughts :)

D+K


	4. Part IV Ch15 to Ch17

A/N: Last post, everyone! Enjoy!

Standard disclaimers apply.

* * *

Chapter Fifteen

**Harry Potter** How the FUCK could we be so FUCKING stupid to leave the FUCKING cloak in the FUCKING tower? HERMIONE – WTF? I thought you had brains! (sent from mobile)

**Hermione Jean Granger**: I'm sorry, Harry! I was considering the improbable possibility of Malfoy and I having relations, which brought about the OOC moment! _ Never again!

**Ronald Weasley**:WHAT? You and Malfoy? That makes me want to act like an asshole and have considerable rage.

**Harry Potter**: That's not totally OOC of you…let's be honest here.

**Ronald Weasley**: True, but I'll take it one step further, making me seem like a caricature with no dimensions.

**Minerva McGonagall**:STFU – you're in the process of being fucked – and in the nonsexual way.

**Harry Potter**: Why you had to clarify that statement scares me.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Neville Longbottom**'s wall: Neville! Why is McGonagall dragging you by the collar?

**Neville Longbottom**: Harry! I was trying to find you to warn you, I heard Malfoy saying he was going to catch you, he said you had a drag

**Ronald Weasley**: Why you thought taking his phone would help, Harry, is beyond me; it didn't work for Hagrid. It's pretty damn obvious what Neville was going to write out. Now McGonagall is just going to be more pissed that you left your chair.

**Harry Potter**: Things cannot get any worse.

**Dudley Dursley**: HARHAR Pottyhead's in twouble!

**Harry Potter**: I stand corrected. FML.

**Minerva Potter**: That's right, Potter, fuck your life because I'm the one who's going to be doing it.

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall** I never would've believed you would go up to the astronomy tower at one o'clock in the morning. Don't know why, especially since Weasley and Potter are related to the most infamous pranksters Hogwarts has ever seen, and Granger would do just about anything to please these buffoons so they would tolerate her. Same goes with Longbottom. Regardless, EXPLAIN YOURSELVES, BITCHES.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Maybe if I stare at my slippers long enough, I will turn invisible.

**McGonagall**: You're still here, bitch, and get ready to enter the house of pain, FELINE STYLE. Whatevs, you guys don't even have to explain yourselves because I clearly know what happened: you told Malfoy some bullshit story about a dragon, trying to get him into trouble. Kudos to you, your plan worked, and he was caught. But I bet you didn't plan on Lonbottom hearing the story and believing it, too, HUH? You guys fucked up. BIG TIME.

* * *

**Harry Potter** sent **Neville Longbottom** a look without words that will explain everything.

**Neville Longbottom** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I DON'T GET IT, BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE I HATE YOU!

**Harry Potter**: Ugh, Neville, please, McGonagall's explanation would make sense if she were talking about Malfoy. You've known me before everyone else! You were the first person to comment on my blog!

**Neville Longbottom**: How can I trust you? Maybe all those things you wrote were just a bunch of LIES.

**Harry Potter**: *GASP* You're actually QUESTIONING my place among children tortured since their first day of being orphaned?

**Neville Longbottom**:Well, if the lying pants FIT.

**Harry Potter**: You know what, fine, believe what you want. I don't give a shit.

**Harry Potter** and **Neville Longbottom** are no longer friends.

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall **I'm absolutely DISGUSTED. Four students out of bed in one night! I've never heard of such a thing before! (In this scene, I'm totally disregarding the fact that the Marauders ever existed, in case you couldn't tell). Granger – I thought you actually sense. Potter – I thought Gryffindor, and being away from your awful Muggle relatives meant more to you than this.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I DO HAVE SENSE, I SWEAR, PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL! I MENTIONED BEFORE THAT THIS WAS VERY OOC OF ME. I'LL REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. PLEASE, GO EASY ON ME!

**Harry Potter**: Hermione, please, stop your fucking sniveling. It's not going to get you anywhere. Professor McGonagall: I'LL DO ANYTHING, JUST DON'T SEND ME BACK TO THE DURSLEYS. THEY'RE HELL ON EARTH!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:…

**Minerva McGonagall**: Everyone just shut the FUCK up. All of you are getting detentions, including you, Longbottom. NOTHING gives you the right to walk around school at night, especially these days; it's very dangerous.

**Harry Potter**: You know, to the average student, like Neville, they don't understand what the hell we're saying. Are you saying that on purpose because you KNOW Hermione and I know more than the average student?

* * *

**Harry Potter** now believes **Minerva McGonagall **can maybe read minds as well. (sent from mobile)

**Minerva McGonagall**: I'm flattered you think so highly of my mental capabilities, which _are_ infinitely higher than yours, but I'm in the middle of punishing you right now. So put your phone away so WE CAN MOVE ON. Kthx.

**Minerva McGonagall**: I'm taking away fifty points from Gryffindor.

**Harry Potter**: FIFTY? WTF, MCGONAGALL? Do you NOT want your house to win the cup this year? I fucking sweated blood for those points in the last Quidditch match!

**Minerva McGonagall**: I didn't finish my statement, Potter: Fifty points EACH.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Even I think that's a bit excessive…

** Harry Potter**: BULLSHIT. YOU CAN'T!

**Minerva McGonagall**: Don't tell me what I can and can't do, bitch ass motherfucker! Now get back to your dormitories and wallow in your shame! And get ready for the entire school to hate your guts – I will not stop anyone from making your lives living hells.

* * *

**Harry Potter** Gryffindor lost 150 points and is now in last place. How the fuck do you recover from this blow?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: You can't. Trust me, I've been planning for the past three hours. We're royally fucked.

* * *

**Lee Jordan** wrote on GRYFFINDOR HOUSE!'s wall: HEY what gives? Why are we suddenly in last place?

* * *

**Harry Potter** wishes he could craw in a hole and die.

(**Draco Malfoy**, **Severus Snape**, and **Dudley Dursley** like this.)

* * *

**Hedwig the Owl** and **900 others** joined the group I HATE The Boy Who Lived!

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Hedwig the Owl**'s wall: WTF, Hedwig?

**Hedwig The Owl**: Sorry, bitch, but I'm catching a lot of shit up in the owlery. Quite literally. It's fucking disgusting. You're going to have to give me a bath ASAP.

**Harry Potter**: Why don't you ask The Troll to do it for you? P.S. I just vomited in my mouth…

**Hedwig The Owl**: You think the entire school alone hates you? You're even dumber than I thought. The Troll hates me by association. So THANKS A LOT. I'm going to make things even more difficult for you, you little fucker.

**Harry Potter**: HAVEN'T I HAD ENOUGH SUFFERING IN MY LIFE?

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Thanks Potter! We owe you one!

(**Draco Malfoy**, **Severus Snape** and **262 others** like this.)

**Harry Potter**: FUCK ALL OF YOU.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Cheer up, mate – everyone will forget about this soon enough. Fred and George have lost loads of points, and people still like them.

** Harry Potter**: They've never lost 150 points in one go, though.

**Ronald Weasley**: …No…

**Harry Potter**: Hey, Ron?

**Ronald Weasley**: Yeah?

**Harry Potter**: Don't try and cheer me up again, 'kay?

* * *

**Harry Potter** is turning over a new leaf – he will never meddle in things that aren't his business from now on. He's had it with sneaking around and spying.

**Ronald Weasley**: You do realize that this is a load of bollocks, and in a week or so you're going to be back at it, right?

**Harry Potter**: STFU.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Oliver Wood**'s wall: I'm going to resign from the Quidditch team.

**Oliver Wood**: What the bloody fuck is that going to do? How are we going to get any points back if we can't win at Quidditch? Fucking moron.

* * *

**Angelina Johnson** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: Hey, Wood, in this play, where does the Seeker go?

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: Well, Angelina, he'll be way out of the way, because he's useless.

**Fred Weasley** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: Hey, Wood, if I "accidentally" hit the Seeker, would it be bad?

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: As long as you don't give permanent brain damage, I don't see why not.

**Harry Potter** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: Srsly, guys? You're just going to refer to me as "the Seeker?" How old are you, six?

**Oliver Wood** wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team'91-'92's wall: SHUT UP, SEEKER.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** is somewhat glad this whole fiasco happened – now **Hermione Jean Granger** has stopped drawing attention to herself in class. She's actually bearable! Not only that, **Harry Potter** is now one of the most hated people in Hogwarts – that makes me more popular than him!

**Harry Potter**: Thanks a lot, friend.

* * *

**Harry Potter** for the first time in my life, I'm so fucking glad I'm studying for exams. Must put a halt to suicidal thoughts.

(**Hermione Jean Granger** likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** my new resolve to lay off the sneaking around is being tested – it's only been a week! (sent from mobile)

(**Ronald Weasley** likes this.)

**Ronald Weasley**: CALLED THAT SHIT!

* * *

**Harry Potter **is hearing **Quirinus Quirrell **mutter to himself. Thinks it's either **Severus Snape** or **Quirrell's Turban** who's doing the threatening…I'm going to go with **Severus Snape **because I really hate him. (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**: Snape must've broken Quirrell! I'm surprised he even lasted a week. Props.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: There's still Fluffy, though. Honestly, how could you guys keep forgetting about that beast?

**Ronald Weasley**: Maybe Snape's found a way past Fluffy without Hagrid. I bet there's a book somewhere in here telling you how to get past a giant three-headed dog.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: RONALD! Are you finally believing in the power of BOOKS?

**Ronald Weasley**: NO FUCKING WAY. I'm just saying that it's probably a F.A.Q. when it comes to a creature like Fluffy.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: REGARDLESS – we have to go to Dumbledore. That's what we should have done ages ago. If we try anything ourselves, we'll be thrown out fosho.

**Harry Potter**: But we have NO PROOF. Quirrell is such a pussy that he won't back us up. Snape's just going to deny any knowledge about the troll on Halloween…and they're going to believe a grown man over three little children who hate his fucking guts. Filch really hates me out of association with Hedwig…and we're not even supposed to know about the Stone in the first place! The whole thing is just sketchy. We're not going and THAT'S FINAL. Meeting adjourned.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is now learning the name of Jupiter's moons. THIS IS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE – A PLANET SHOULDN'T HAVE 63 MOONS!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Actually, there are only 63 CONFIRMED moons of Jupiter.

**Harry Potter**:Not helping!

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall** sent **Harry Potter**, **Hermione Jean Granger**, and **Neville Longbottom** a detention slip.

**Harry Potter** thinks it's rather strange to serve detention at eleven o'clock at night…but since I'm a masochist now, I guess I deserve it. And like it?

(**Hermione Jean Granger** likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Bye, Ron! Hermione and I are going to serve detention now! Cya xo

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Goodbye, Ronald!

** Ronald Weasley**: Er…okay. Bye…

* * *

**Argus Filch** Follow me, **Harry Potter**, **Hermione Jean Granger**, **Neville Longbottom**, and **Draco Malfoy**. Stupid little shits. (sent from mobile)

**Argus Filch**: I'll bet you'll think twice about breaking a school rule again, won't you? Dumb ass fuckers. Hard work and pain are the best teachers, if you ask me…such a pity that they've outlawed the old punishments – hang you by your wrists from the ceiling for a few days – I've got the chains still in my office…

* * *

**Neville Longbottom** is sniffling! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** is wondering what their punishment is going to be – it must be the worst thing ever because **Argus Filch** has a "cat ate the canary" expression on his face. (sent from mobile)

(**Argus Filch **likes this.)

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** wrote on **Argus Filch**'s wall: Heyyo! Is that you over by the forest?

**Argus Filch**: Of course it's me, you huge waste of space.

** Rubeus Hagrid**: Then get the hell over here! I want to get started.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is so fucking relieved that he's serving detention with **Rubeus Hagrid**. No potentially fatal situations for me tonight! (sent from mobile)

(**Rubeus Hagrid** likes this.)

**Argus Filch**: You really believe that shit? FALSE. You're going into the forest – see if you can get go in and come out in one piece!

**Draco Malfoy**: You've got to be fucking joking – we can't go in there! There's all sorts of nasties in there – like werewolves!

**Rubeus Hagrid**: If you knew anything in that blonde skull of yours, then you would realize that IT'S NOT A FULL MOON, thus, no werewolves. Jesus Christ…idiot.

**Draco Malfoy**: Fuck you, half-breed, we don't learn about werewolves until Third Year. But, oh, I guess you wouldn't know that, given you FAILED OUT OF HOGWARTS BEFORE YOU COULD FINISH THE YEAR.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: WHAT DID YOU SAY, YOU LITTLE SHIT? IMMA SIT ON YOUR STUPID HEAD. YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wants **Neville Longbottom** to stop clutching the sleeve of my robe and to stop that horrible choking noise. (sent from mobile)

**Neville Longbottom**: I'm so scared!

**Harry Potter**: Okay, you're the one who wanted to stop being friends with me; you can't just restart the friendship whenever it's convenient for you.

**Neville Longbottom**:*sniffle*

**Harry Potter**: UGH, FINE.

**Harry Potter** and **Neville Longbottom** are now friends.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** wrote on **Argus Filch**'s wall: WTF, dude, you had me waiting for 30 minutes. Were you threatening the children with torture, AGAIN?

**Argus Filch**: Hey, take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn, take me, baby, or leave me.

**Harry Potter**: You did NOT just make a Rent reference…

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Are you all right? And Hermione – since I know you continuously stalk Harry's profile – are you okay?

**Argus Filch**: *convulse* Don't be friendly with them! THEY'RE BEING PUNISHED. I'll be back at dawn…for what's left of them! MWHAHAHA.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: There's no effing way I'm going in that forest.

(**Harry Potter** likes this.)

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Unless you want to explain to your ickle daddy why you won't be returning to Hogwarts ever again, I suggest you stay.

**Draco Malfoy**: But this is SERVANT shit – students aren't supposed to do this shit.

**Harry Potter**: Wow, for once, Malfoy, I kind of agree with you – students SHOULDN'T be doing this.

**Draco Malfoy**: If my father knew I was doing this, he'd…he'd…well…DO SOMETHING.

**Harry Potter**: And now I'm back to hating you and your annoying catchphrase about your father. Hagrid – let him do what he wants. Please, I really don't want him to come back after this year.

**Draco Malfoy**: In spite of you, Potter, I WILL be going in.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **Now everyone, listen to me carefully: it's dangerous what we're doing tonight – so NO risk tasking! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Oh…damn…that's exactly what I planned to do in a scary forest at midnight…

**Rubeus Hagrid**:STFU, scarhead!

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** Do you see that shiny stuff on the ground? (sent from mobile)

**Draco Malfoy**:OOOOH SHINY!

**Rubeus Hagrid**:DON'T TOUCH IT! It's unicorn blood – I found one dead last Wednesday, and there seems to be another one that either badly hurt or killed. We have to find it and possibly put it down, if it's still alive.

**Harry Potter**: Are you for real? In case you've forgotten, WE'RE ELEVEN! I do not want to witness death! A grown man wouldn't want to do this!

**Draco Malfoy**: I don't give a crap about that – I care about whether the thing that hurt the unicorn will find US. My physical wellbeing is much more important than my mental wellbeing – gotta look good, you know. Prince of Slytherin and all that shizzz.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: …Totally ignoring everything past the sentence in which the unicorn was the focus of. There's nothing in the forest that'll hurt you if you're with Fang or me.

**Harry Potter**: I sincerely doubt that.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Wow, Harry, you're really irritating tonight.

**Harry Potter**: Sorry, I just can't stand how inappropriate this punishment is for a small child.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Understandable. Anyway, you have to stick to the path, but we're going to split up.

**Draco Malfoy**: DIBS ON FANG.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: You fool, he's the biggest coward ever.

**Fang**: Thanks a lot, asshole. I have long teeth, you know. I can rip your face off in six seconds.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: LOVE YA, FANGY!

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** Me, **Harry Potter** and **Hermione Jean Granger** will go together and **Draco Malfoy**, **Neville Longbottom** and **Fang** will go the other way. If you find the unicorn = green sparks. If you're in trouble = red sparks. (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Okay, this is getting ridiculous. What in your brain is making you believe that having Neville and Draco together, ALONE, is a good idea?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Well, if Malfoy's with you or Hermione, you'd guys would probably either kill each other, or snog each other senseless, and I can't have that shit happening.

**Harry Potter**: Huh? Boys snogging? Each other? What a weird idea. Strangely appealing…

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Could a werewolf be killing the unicorns?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Did you NOT read my retort to Malfoy's previous statement about the existence of werewolves in the forest? It's impossible for a werewolf, which only really exists in beast form for 24 hours, to be able to make two separate attacks over the spread of a week and a half. But also, on the technical side, werewolves just aren't fast enough.

**Harry Potter**: A simple "no" would've sufficed.

* * *

**Harry Potter** can hear running water – there must be a stream somewhere close by. (sent from mobile)

**Hermione Jean Granger**: This observation is so fucking stupid. It actually pisses me off that you wasted the time to type it out and post it on Facebook.

**Harry Potter**: Now you know how Ron and I feel everyday when it comes to your ridiculous lectures.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Touché.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Are you sure you're all right? Don't worry, it couldn't have gotten far if it's this badly hurt, and then we'll be able to – GET BEHIND THAT TREE!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: What? ADD much?

**Harry Potter**: AGH WTF HAGRID. And did you have that crossbow the entire time?

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** I knew it – there's something in here that shouldn't be. (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: YOU THINK?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Harry, I don't need this shit right now. I'm beginning to realize that it was a horrible mistake bringing four eleven-year-olds into the forest at night.

**Harry Potter**: And leaving two to fend for themselves with a dog that's about as old as you. Anyway, back to the issue at hand: do you think it's a werewolf?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: FOR THE LAST TIME, IT WASN'T A FUCKING WEREWOLF! Now shut the fuck up and just follow me before I think twice about bringing you back to Hogwarts at the end of this sucky night.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** SHOW YOURSELF, MOTHERFUCKER – I'M ARMED. (sent from mobile)

**Ronan**: Chill out, man, it's just me.

** Rubeus Hagrid**: How are you?

**Ronan**: 'Sup, bro. Were you going to shoot me?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Can't be too careful – there's something evil in these woods. Btw, this is my crew for the night: Harry Potter and Hermione Granger – students up at the school. Harry, Hermione – this is Ronan, he's a centaur.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: I could tell by his default.

**Harry Potter**: …AND the fact that he's standing three feet in front of us!

**Ronan**: 'Sup. You're students? Do you learn important shit there? Like how to roll your own joint?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: …We do learn…just…not about recreational drugs.

**Ronan**: Well…that's something. I guess.

**Hermione Jean Granger** and **Harry Potter** are now friends with **Ronan**.

* * *

**Ronan** Mars is bright tonight. (sent from mobile)

(**40 others** like this.)

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Hey, I'm glad we ran into you – a unicorn has been hurt. Have you seen anything suspicious lurking around?

**Ronan**:The innocent are always the first victims. So it has been for ages past, so it is now.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Couldn't agree more. But have you seen anything? Anything unusual?

**Ronan**: Mars is bright tonight. Unusually bright.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Yeah, but I was meaning anything usual a bit nearer to home. So, you haven't noticed anything strange?

**Ronan**: …The forest hides many secrets.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** wrote on **Bane**'s wall: Hey there! How are you?

**Bane**: 'Sup, my brother from another mother. You doing fiiiine?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Well enough, I suppose. Look, I've just been asking Ronan – you see anything odd in here lately? A unicorn was injured…do you know anything about it?

* * *

**Bane** Mars is bright tonight. (sent from mobile)

(**Ronan** and **39 others** like this.)

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** removed "communicating with centaurs" from their interests.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Never try and get a straight answer out of a centaur. They're always on something.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Are there a lot of THEM in here?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Don't know why you had to accentuate the "them," but there's a fair few. They're really deep creatures…they just don't make any sense.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Look, Hagrid! Red sparks! They lasted longer than I thought they would.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: You and Hermione wait here while I find those fuckers! BRB.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is hearing the sound of ruffling leaves and it's scaring the shit out of him. (sent from mobile)

(**Hermione Jean Granger** likes this.)

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: You don't think they've been hurt, do you?

**Harry Potter**:I honestly don't give a shit about Malfoy, but I'd feel pretty guilty if Neville got hurt since it was our fault that he got detention…

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid** OMFG you kids are so annoying! We're changing groups – we're going to risk the killing/snogging in order to catch this mofo who's killing unicorns. **Neville Longbottom** – you're staying with **Hermione Jean Granger** and me. **Harry Potter** – you go with **Fang** and the idiot **Draco Malfoy**. There's a lower chance of you guys hooking up over Draco/Hermione.

**Harry Potter**: WTF, man?

**Rubeus Hagrid**: Sorry, Harry, but Malfoy would have a hard time scaring you, and we have to get this shit done, stat.

* * *

**Harry Potter** thinks the blood is getting thicker the further he walks – perhaps now would be a good time to contact Hagrid…but he doesn't think he will. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall: Look – something bright.

**Draco Malfoy**:FUCK YES! IT'S SHINY.

**Harry Potter**:Ugh, it's a dead unicorn. It's so disturbing – scarred for life in the metaphysical sense! Not that I wasn't already…

* * *

**Draco Malfoy** AAAAAAAAAAARGH WTF IS THAT – IT'S EATING THE UNICORN! RUN AWAY! (sent from mobile)

(**Fang **likes this.)

**Harry Potter**: Thanks for leaving me behind, ASSHOLES. Not that I really expected much from you, Malfoy, but come on, Fang!

**Fan****g**:My own arse means more to me than yours.

**Harry Potter**: Man's best friend my ass!

* * *

**Harry Potter** HOLY FUCKING SHIT MY SCAR HURTS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER! (sent from mobile)

(**Cloaked Figure** likes this.)

**Cloaked Figure**: That's right, bitch, FEEL DA BURN!

* * *

**Firenze** is charging at **Cloaked Figure**. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Firenze **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Your safe, man, I got yo back.

**Harry Potter** THANK THE FUCKING LORD. Now, can you explain to me what the hell that was? The coward has deleted his Facebook.

**Firenze **You are the Potter boy.

**Harry Potter** Er…yes. That is my name. It's right there, to the left of my comments.

**Firenze** You better get back to Hagrid. The forest isn't safe, especially for you, dude. Get on my back – it'll be quicker.

** Harry Potter** Giddy up, horsey!

** Firenze** Damn, should've known this would happen.

**Harry Potter** and **Firenze** are now friends.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is finally living out his life-long dream of riding on a horse! ^_^ (sent from mobile)

**Firenze**: Seriously, I'm a centaur. Not cool.

* * *

**Bane **wrote on **Firenze**'s wall: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? You're acting like a common MULE, letting a human ride you – have you no shame?

**Firenze**: Chill out, man, don't you realize who this is – this is the Pottery boy. He has to leave the forest ASAP.

**Harry Potter**: Why must you refer to me as "the Potter boy?" there's only one Potter attending Hogwarts. Come to think of it, I believe I'm the only Potter in the UK.

**Severus Snape**: Oh my god, you DISGUST me. How could you think that you're the ONLY Potter in all of the United Kingdom? Are you THAT arrogant to believe you're so special?

**Harry Potter**: Snape – gtfo – you're not involved in this.

**Bane**: What have you been telling him? Remember – we are sworn not to set ourselves against the heavens.

**Ronan**: I'm sure Firenze thought he was acting for the best.

**Firenze**: Not really, it was pretty impulsive.

**Bane**: For the best? What is that to do with us? We only give a shit about what has been foretold. We're NOT supposed to run around like donkeys after stray humans in our forest!

**Firenze**: OMFG you're so annoying – did you NOT see that very dead unicorn? Do you not know why it was killed? Or have the planets not let you in on that secret?

**Harry Potter**: Oooh, burn!

**Firenze**: I'm against what is creepin' in my hood – even if it means allying myself with humans.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Firenze**'s wall: I'm confused as hell. Why's Bane so angry? And can you PLEASE answer my question of what the fuck was that thing you saved me from?

**Firenze**: Harry Potter…do you know what unicorn blood is used for?

**Harry Potter**: Oh, for the love of crap, I can't convey the number times I have to inform people on a daily basis that I have little to no knowledge of anything magical. I'm barely passing my classes as it is.

**Firenze**: Well, it's a monstrous thing to slay a unicorn.

**Harry Potter**: I think it's a monstrous thing to slay any sort of animal…

**Firenze**:Only one who has nothing to lose, and everything to gain, would commit such a crime.

**Harry Potter**: I feel Hagrid's pain. Communicating with your people actually feels like pulling teeth.

**Firenze**: The blood of unicorn will keep you alive, even if you're just about ready to croak, but as a price, your life would be a living hell, all cursed and whatnot.

**Harry Potter**: Now who the fuck would want that? Hm, I wonder if I drink it, if my life would stay the same. I mean I pretty much live a cursed life as it is…

**Firenze**:Nah. While you have some luck every once in a while to brighten your miserable existence, unicorn blood would take that away.

**Harry Potter**: Shit, I practically live for my convenient spouts of random luck. So who would be that desperate to live – wouldn't death just be easier?

**Firenze**: Yeah, it would, but some people just can't accept death. It's rather stupid, but c'est la vie. Unless it's only needed until you drink something better…Mr. Potter, do you know what's hidden in the school at this very moment?

**Harry Potter**: …Um…can you give me a second? I know it, I really do, it's just…on the tip of my tongue. OH, DUH, THE SORCERER'S STONE! The Elixir of Life! But who the fuck –?

**Firenze**: Can you honestly not think of one person who is dying to get back to life? (the pun was intentional btw)

**Harry Potter**: Oh, HELL no, you mean Vol

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: Oh my god, HAGRID, stop stealing my phone, DAMN IT! Kleptomaniac. But I'm really happy to see you. Even you, Hermione! P.S. The unicorn is dead.

* * *

**Firenze** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: This is where I leave you. You're safe now.

**Harry Potter**: Yeah…I figured I was already safe after you saved me…

**Firenze**: Good luck, Harry Potter. The planets have been read wrongly before now, even by centaurs. I hope this is one of those times.

** Harry Potter**: Well that's not ominous or anything…

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** is in the process of dreaming about Quidditch. (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter** Not anymore! I'm roughly waking you!

** Ronald Weasley** Mehhhhh.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Snape wants the Stone for Voldemort, not for himself! And Voldy is hiding in the forest – just bumped into him, nbd.

**Ronald Weasley**: STOP WRITING OUT HIS NAME. Reading it is just as bad as hearing it!

**Harry Potter**: Firenze saved me, but he shouldn't have done so…which is kind of retarded, but whatevs. The centaurs think Voldemort's coming back and that he's going to kill me. Hah, they're a bunch of crocks – none of that should happen.

**Ronald Weasley**: STOP IT!

**Harry Potter**: So I guess I should just sit on my hands while Snape gets the Stone for Voldemort, and he'll just come back to life and kill me. Bane would probably be happy.

**Bane**: Yes, yes I would. The planets should not be tampered with!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Okay, Harry, you'll come to know in time that I find all this "predicting the future" to be a load of shit, and McGonagall would agree with me. And besides, with Dumbledore around, You-Know-Who won't touch you, since he's scared to death of the man. I don't really blame him – Dumbledore is cracked.

**Harry Potter**: Thanks, Hermione. This is one of the rare moments where I appreciate you.

**Ronald Weasley**: I love how I barely participated in this discussion.

* * *

**Harry Potter** Hey! My Invisibility Cloak is under my sheets! With a note! Who did this?

(**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** likes this.)

* * *

Chapter Sixteen

**Harry Potter **could have SWORN on his mother's grave that Voldemort was bursting through the doors whilst taking his Transfiguration exam…it was just Ron coming in from a bathroom break. Close call.

**Ronald Weasley**:Are you kidding? AND STOP SAYING HIS NAME.

**Harry Potter**:You're being such a pussy. And no, I'm not kidding…Voldemort can come out of anywhere at anytime! In broad daylight. In the middle of an exam. He's a master of SURPRISE!

**Ronald Weasley**:No…he's not actually. I'm sorry but even I'm not that dumb. He's not going to barge in while you're taking your History of Magic test! He'd be more likely to come during Potions. Him and Snape are tight.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Ugh! You both are so STOOPID.

**Ronald Weasley**:GTFO, Hermione! Harry and I are having an intense meeting of minds.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:What we REALLY have to worry about is our exams! I'm SO nervous about Flitwick's practical – he's making us charm a pineapple to tapdance across the desk!

**Harry Potter**:That's simple for you, isn't it?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Never can be too prepared.

* * *

**Harry Potter **OMG y'all, Snape is being uber creepy breathing down all our necks while we take our exams!

(**Ronald Weasley **and **149 others **like this.)

**Severus Snape**:FUCK YOU. You're getting an incomplete on your exam.

**Harry Potter**:WHY?

**Severus Snape**:Because half of the test is based on your ability to deal with my hot breath on the nape of your neck.

**Harry Potter**:You're fucking disgusting. I'm dealing with a lot already, SIR.

**Severus Snape**:Well aren't you special? Would you like to be exempt from all exams just because you have a little twinge in your itty-bitty scar? Cry me a fucking river.

**Harry Potter**:How did you know about the pain in my scar!

**Severus Snape **Because you keep grabbing at it and murmuring, "my scar, oh my scar," in intervals of about five to ten minutes. Brat.

* * *

**Neville Longbottom **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Exam nerves, Harry?

**Harry Potter**:No, Neville, I'm plagued by a dream of a hooded figure following me through the forest, dripping blood all over the dirt.

**Neville Longbottom**:O_O You didn't have to get so sarcastic (or graphic!). I was just asking.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Maybe it's because you don't have a burning scar on your forehead, but I don't quite understand why you're not more worried about the Sorcerer's Stone!

**Ronald Weasley**:Harry, I expect that we'll be friends for a very, very long time. Perhaps for life. So I think it's about time you start realizing something…I…kind of don't give a shit. About anything.

**Harry Potter**:That's kind of depressing.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah well, that's what happens when you're stuck in a family of so many kids. My mum doesn't give a shit about learning my twin brother's names; nobody gives a shit if I eat or live or anything. So…I don't really give a shit about the Sorcerer's Stone. I'm just trying to get through this cursed life and maybe make a name for myself. But I'll probably just end up with a mediocre, low-paying job like my father and if I'm lucky, a wife and a couple of kids. I know that you have all of these wonderful ambitions of becoming this great hero and slayer of the Dark Lord but…it just sounds kind of exhausting to me.

**Harry Potter**:Wow, Ron, tell me how you really feel…Jesus Christ…

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Wow! That History of Magic exam was a lot easier than I thought! I needn't have learned about the 1637 Werewolf Code of Conduct or the uprising of Elfric the Eager!

**Ronald Weasley**:Who the FUCK says the word "needn't"? You sound like such a jackass, Hermione.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Fuck you, sir. I enjoy going over my exam papers after my exams! And if you don't like it you can just skidaddle!

**Ronald Weasley**:Gladly. All this talk of exams makes me feel ill.

**Harry Potter**:Please, don't make Ron feel any worse than he already does! I feel like he's allowed me to peek into his mind a few minutes back in my last wall post and I'm a bit frightened to say that it's a very dark, bitter place!

**Ronald Weasley**:Eh.

* * *

**Lee Jordan **added "tickling the tentacles of the giant squid" to their interests.

(**Fred Weasley **and** George Weasley **like this.)

**The Giant Squid **Oh my gawd, you guys…stop that! lolololololol! Tee-hee…you boys are soooo silly! Hahahaha-no, really. That's getting annoying now. Okay, enough. Enough. OMG FUCKING STOP – THAT FUCKING TICKLES! IT FUCKING HURTSSSSSS STOOOOOPPPPPPPPP.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Well, at least we have a week before we find out how badly we've done, I guess.

**Harry Potter**:Yeah…that is a plus ^_^

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You should begin studying for next year.

**Ronald Weasley**:Stfu!

**Harry Potter**:I WISH I KNEW WHAT THIS MEANS!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Wtf?

**Ronald Weasley**:Wtf?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Ugh, we just had the same thought but for once, it makes sense…srsly, Harry…you can't just burst out like that whilst ripping at your forehead…it's creepy.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, as if we have that much going for our group to begin with…we've got bucktoothed bush-head over here drowning out all other sound with her bitch-ass motor-mouth, we've got me, a scrawny ginger who's only ambition is to be somewhat like his thousands of brothers or his BFF Harry, a freaky four-eyed bitch who keeps whining about a scar the darkest wizard of all time gave to him as a effing baby…oh yeah, and then there's Neville always hanging around us.

**Neville Longbottom**:Hey!

**Ronald Weasley**:You know it's true.

**Neville Longbottom**:Yeah…

** Harry Potter**:I KNOW, but it fucking HURTS! FUCK!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:*sigh* Your scar?

**Harry Potter**:YES MY FUCKING SCAR – I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A GENIUS. FUCK THAT SHIT. IT HAPPENS ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND I TELL YOU ABOUT IT WHAT DO YOU JUST DROWN ME OUT? CAN YOU HEAR ME THROUGH THAT BUSHY MESS YOU CALL HAIR, DUMBASS BITCH?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:T_T

**Ronald Weasley**:Harry…that was really mean…

**Harry Potter**:This coming from the good for nothing loser who makes fun of Hermione just to make his own ginger-ass self feel better!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:GET THE FUCK OVER TO MADAM POMFREY THEN, LUNATIC!

**Harry Potter**:I'm not ill!

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh?

**Harry Potter**:I'm sorry, guys, I didn't mean to employ cap-locks so incessantly, I just…I just know that this means that danger is coming.

**Ronald Weasley**:Alright, well…I guess we'll just ignore how out of your mind fucking CRAZY that sounds…but what can ya do? Just relax, Harry. The Stone's safe, man. Neville will play Quidditch for England before Hagrid let's Dumbledore down.

**Neville Longbottom**:Now even I know THAT'S true.

**Harry Potter**:I guess you're right…

* * *

**Harry Potter **still can't shake off the lurking feeling that there's something I've forgotten to do – something IMPORTANT. (sent from mobile)

**Neville Longbottom**:Looks like you need my Remembrall.

**Harry Potter**:Har-har.

**Neville Longbottom**:No, I'm being serious. I don't…*do* sarcasm.

**Harry Potter**:Oh. But you do realize that the Remembrall doesn't tell you what you've forgotten, only that you've forgotten something? And I already know that…so…yeah.

**Neville Longbottom**:Sheesh, just trying to help.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:That's just the exams talking, anyway, Harry! I woke up last night and was halfway through my Transfiguration notes before I remembered we'd already done that one!

** Ronald Weasley**:Ha ha ha. You're a real riot, Hermione. Fuck…

* * *

**Harry Potter **SHIT! WONDER TEAM, ASSEMBLE! CALLING **Ronald Weasley **AND **Hermione Jean Granger **ASAP! (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**:What the…we're right next to you!

**Harry Potter**:We've got to go to Hagrid's PRONTO.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Whhhhhy?

**Harry Potter**:Quite your whining. Haven't you realized by now that I have the answers to everything? Jesus.

**Ronald Weasley**:Well, please explain because my head is still filled with utterly useless information that Hermione forcibly shoved into my ear.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You're welcome.

**Harry Potter**:Anyway…don't you think it's odd that what Hagrid wants more than anything in his whole sad little world is a fucking dragon, and this creepy-ass stranger just HAPPENS to have an egg in his POCKET?

** Ronald Weasley**:You lost me at "anyway…"

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Rubeus Hagrid**'s wall: What did the stranger you were playing cards with look like? The one who gave you Norbert?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Dunno.

**Harry Potter**:FUCK! ARE YOU SHITTING ME RIGHT NOW? ARE YOU _FUCKING _SHITTING ME, HAGRID? I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO DO THIS WHILST ATTEMPTING TO SAVE THE ENTIRE WIZARDING WORLD, YA BIG DUMB OAF!

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Sheesh, Harry. He wouldn't take his cloak off.

**Harry Potter**, **Ronald Weasley**, and **Hermione Jean Granger **sent **Rubeus Hagrid **looks of astonishment.

**Rubeus Hagrid **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: It ain't that weird! Ya get a whole lot of funny folk in the Hog's Head. Might have been a dragon dealer…he kept his damn hood up, as I SAID.

**Harry Potter**:Ugh, Hagrid…did you talk about Hogwarts at all?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Mighta come up. Yeah…uh…he asked about what I did…asking about the sorta creatures I look after…I said I wanted a dragon…uh…I can't really remember too well…

**Harry Potter**:What were you shwasted or something?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Well, obviously. He kept buying me drinks.

**Harry Potter**:O_O

**Rubeus Hagrid**:What? It was pretty nice of him, in my humble opinion! SO yeah, he said he had a dragon egg and we could play cards for it…but he had to be sure I could handle it, because he didn't want it to go to any old home…so I told him, after Fluffy, a dragon would be easy…

**Harry Potter**:Shit…did he seem…*interested* in Fluffy?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Um, obviously. How many three-headed dogs have you met? So I told him that you just have to play a little music to calm down the beast.

**Harry Potter**:Hagrid…I honestly feel like I'm speaking to a SEVERELY mentally challenged individual right now.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Oh wait…I totez shouldn't have told you all that. HEY! WHERE ARE YOU RUNNING OFF TO? BUNCHA GOOD-FOR-NOTHING BRATS.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Clearly, we've got to go to Dumbledore. Hagrid told that stranger how to get past Fluffy, and it was either Snape or Voldemort under that cloak. It was SO easy; he got Hagrid shwasted!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Well, let's find Dumbledore's office…

* * *

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: And what the hell are you three doing inside?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:We need to speak to Professor Dumbledore.

**Minerva McGonagall**:Excuse me? What could you three possibly want to do with him? Haven't stayed out of trouble for long enough, have you?

**Harry Potter**:It's sort of…secret…

**Ronald Weasley**:Yes, Harry, bruise the ego of one of the bitchiest professors in Hogwarts…nice.

**Harry Potter**:Shut up! I panicked! I don't see you offering anything to this conversation!

**Ronald Weasley**:As I should! And you should keep your trap shut, too, mate.

**Minerva McGonagall**:Ahem. Professor Dumbledore _left _ten minutes ago. He received an urgent owl from the Ministry of Magic and flew off for London.

**Harry Potter**:He's…GONE? NOW?

**Minerva McGonagall**:In case you weren't aware, Potter, he's kind of a big deal.

**Harry Potter**:Right…but this is important.

**Minerva McGonagall**:More important than what the Ministry of Magic has to say? Jesus, Potter, you're doing a terrible job of convincing me that Snape is wrong about you insane narcissism.

**Harry Potter**: Listen, Professor…it's about, uh, the Sorcerer's Stone –

**Minerva McGonagall**:O_O I can see it's going to be a long seven years with you, Potter. I don't think I even want to know the answer to this, but…how the _fuck _do YOU know ANYTHING about that?

**Harry Potter**:Well…I know that Sn- I mean…that *someone*is going to try and steal the Stone. I've got to talk to Professor Dumbledore.

**Minerva McGonagall **sent** Harry Potter **a look of shock and suspicion.

**Minerva McGonagall **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Professor Dumbledore will be back _tomorrow_. I don't know HOW you found out about the Stone, but rest assured, no one can possibly steal it.

**Harry Potter**:But-

**Minerva McGonagall**:Alright, let's cut the bullshit right here. I have tried to hold back and suspend disbelief with you, Potter, but enough is enough. Now don't you dare try to imply that I don't know what I'm talking about, because quite honestly, you have already insulted me beyond repair! I suggest you all go back outside and enjoy the sunshine!

**Ronald Weasley**:Never has the statement "enjoy the sunshine," sounded quite so threatening.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Kay, so clearly if I've got the balls to offend Professor McGonagall and truly not show symptoms "giving a shit," I hope you and Hermione have assumed we're going through with the plans as follows: tonight Snape's going through the trapdoor. He finally knows everything, and Dumbledore's out of the way. We're gonna have to stop him.

**Ronald Weasley**:That's not much of a plan…I mean you've left out a lot of details. "We're gonna stop him" is hardly an active response…how about some bullet points?

**Harry Potter**:I'm getting to that! Geez…so anyway, let's talk more about how Snape is a dirty, rotten –

**Severus Snape**:Good afternoon.

**Harry Potter**:SHITFUCK!

**Severus Snape**:You shouldn't be inside…on a day like this…you should be out…enjoying the sunshine…

**Severus Snape **sent **Harry Potter **an odd, twisted smile.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **the phrase "enjoy the sunshine" is forever changed for me. Fuck these teachers and their hidden agendas… (sent from mobile)

**Severus Snape**:Stop texting!

**Ronald Weasley**:I'm not! I'm updating my Facebook status!

**Severus Snape**:Oh, okay.

**Harry Potter**:We were-

**Severus Snape**:Fuck you, Potter. People are going to start to think you've actually put together enough brain cells in that empty little noggin of yours to actually produce a half-assed plan of action against those much more powerful than you.

**Harry Potter**:Okay, even if you AREN'T after the Stone, (which you totally and completely are, swear on my parents' grave, I'm never wrong), you're making it VERY difficult for anyone to believe you're innocent!

**Severus Snape**:Gryffindor can't afford to lose any more points, you twat. Be warned – any more nighttime wanderings and I will _personally _see that you are expelled. Have a nice day!

**Harry Potter**:Fuck that shit.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Right, so anyway, moving on…one of us has got to keep an eye on Snape – wait outside the staff room and follow him if he leaves it. Hermione, that's you.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Why!

**Ronald Weasley**:Obviously you can pretend to be waiting for Professor Flitwick, you know… "Oh, Professor Flitwick! I'm _so _worried, I think I got question fourteen bwrong!"

** Hermione Jean Granger**:STFU! I'll do it Harry, but only for you. And Ron, never make your voice that high again. It's unbecoming.

**Ronald Weasley**:Whatever you say, suck-up.

**Harry Potter**:And anyway, Ron and I will stay outside the third-floor corridor.

* * *

**Harry Potter **is loitering outside of Fluffy's door with **Ronald Weasley**. (sent from mobile)

**Minerva McGonagall**:You shitting me, Potter? Enough of this nonsense! If I hear you've come anywhere near here again, I'll take another fifty points from Gryffindor!

**Ronald Weasley**:That's suicide, Professor!

**Minerva McGonagall**:I don't give a shit if it's my own house. You two think you're harder to get past than a pack of enchantments? What fucking nerve…

* * *

**Harry Potter **is heading back to the common room…meh… (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**:Well, at least Hermione's on Snape's tail, right?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Uh…

**Harry Potter**:Fuck, what happened?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Snape came out and asked me what I was doing, so I said I was waiting for Flitwick, and Snape went to get him, and I've only just got away, I don't know where Snape went.

**Harry Potter**:Great. That's it then…isn't it?

**Ronald Weasley**:Are you gonna cry, mate?

**Harry Potter**:Maybe a little. But first, I'm gonna try and get to the Stone first!

**Ronald Weasley**:You're bloody mad!

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You CAN'T! You'll get expelled!

**Harry Potter**:SO WHAT? DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? IF SNAPE GETS THE STONE, VOLDEMORT'S COMING BACK! SHIT, I'VE ONLY KNOWN I WAS A WIZARD FOR MONTHS AND I SEEM TO KNOW MORE THAN EVERYONE! I MEAN, VOLDEMORT KILLED MY FUCKING PARENTS…AS IF YOU NEED REMINDING! -_-

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You're…you're right Harry…

**Harry Potter**:Of course I am. I'll use the Invisibility Cloak…

**Ronald Weasley**:But will it cover all three of us?

**Harry Potter**:Uh…huh?

**Ronald Weasley**:Omg, enough with the hero act. Obviously you aren't going alone.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:How exactly do you think you'd get to the Stone without us? I'd better go look through my books…

**Harry Potter**:But then we'll all be expelled if we get caught.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Not if I can help it! Flitwick told me I got a hundred and twelve percent on his exam! They're not throwing me out after that!

**Ronald Weasley**:Holy -

**Harry Potter**:shit.

**Ronald Weasley**:This is the one time your unabashed intelligence can actually help us, though. Imagine if she got any lower than a hundred and twelve? She'd be jumping around Hogwarts just hoping someone would expel her and put her out of her misery.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Exactly.

**Ronald Weasley**:You are insufferable.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Everyone's clearing out, grab the Cloak.

**Harry Potter**:Got it. Now…I know that Hagrid said this insignificant birthday present was a spoon, but I think it'll double as a flute to put Fluffy to sleep.

**Ronald Weasley**:Yeah, I was kind of wondering when that would become useful…

**Neville Longbottom**:And what do you three think you're doing?

**Ronald Weasley**:Ugh, Neville, you sound like McGonagall.

**Harry Potter**:We're not doing anything, Neville.

**Neville Longbottom**:You're going out again, aren't you.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:No, no, no. No, Neville, we're not. Why don't you just go to bed, Nev?

**Neville Longbottom**:You'lll be caught again! Gryffindor will be in even more trouble!

**Harry Potter**:Um, Neville, this is a little over your head, buddy. Go to sleep.

**Neville Longbottom**:I won't let you do it! I'll-I'll fight you!

**Ronald Weasley**:Neville, you're acting like a fucking LUNATIC! You don't understand this. You need to get out of the way and stop being an idiot.

**Neville Longbottom**:Don't call me an idiot! You shouldn't be breaking rules! You were the one who told me to stand up to people!

**Ronald Weasley**:OMG, Neville, I didn't mean _us_! Are you out of your skull? You don't even understand what you're doing.

**Neville Longbottom**:Try and hit me!

**Ronald Weasley**:Woah, woah, woah – when did this turn into a battle royale?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Neville. I'm very, very sorry about this.

**Hermione Jean Granger** sent **Neville Longbottom** a _Petrificus Totalus!_

_

* * *

_

**Neville Longbottom **is thankful for the thought-activated feature on his iPhone! SOMEBODY FUCKING HELP ME, HERMIONE JEAN GRANGER IS A CRAZY BITCH. (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**:Stfu, Neville. Nobody is going to help you. You will understand why this was necessary later, and I'm not going to lie, you'll feel like a bit of an ass. Goodnight.

**Neville Longbottom**:Blerg.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Shit, there's Mrs. Norris! Let's kick her, just this once.

**Mrs. Norris**:You three are a bunch of bitch-ass punks. I am going through a ROUGH TIME in my love life right now and I do NOT want to be crossed!

**Ronald Weasley**:Moving along…

* * *

**Peeves the Poltergeist **hears stirring about along the third floor! I know you're there. Are you a ghoulie or a ghostie or wee student beastie? Maybz I'll call Filch, if something's a creeping around!

**The Bloody Baron**:I have my own reasons for being invisible.

**Peeves the Poltergeist**:Shit – uh, sorry, your bloodiness, Mr. Baron, sir…My mistake, my mistake. Didn't see you – of course I didn't, you're invisible, heh-heh. Right. Forgive old Peevsie, sir!

**The Bloody Baron**:I've got business here, Peeves. Stay away from this place tonight!

**Peeves the Poltergeist**:Absolutely, Baron, absolutely. Hope it all goes well, mate. I mean…sir. I mean…whatever you'd like to be called! EEeeeeeeek!

**Ronald Weasley**:Wow, good job, Harry!

**The Bloody Baron**:Excuse me?

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh…what?

**The Bloody Baron**:Haha just playin. It's me, Harry. I made this Facebook account in preparation for tonight.

** Ronald Weasley**:And the Bloody Baron doesn't have a real Facebook? Odd.

**Harry Potter**:No, he does. But it's not his name…it's "Bitches want my Blood"

**Ronald Weasley**:That's really strange.

**Bitches want my Blood**:Excuse me?

**Ronald Weasley**:Ha-ha, Harry.

**Bitches want my Blood**:Get the fuck out of my territory before I bust a cap in your asses!

**Ronald Weasley**:O_O

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Enough wasting time! Let's go!

* * *

**Harry Potter **is now performing a revered symphony from Beethoven's playbook. Hahaha, jk. It's Hot Cross Buns. (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**:Keep playing! Let's try to get the door open…Hermione, ladies first?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Absolutely not.

**Ronald Weasley**:Fine, fine. Weasley to the rescue, as usual. Well, well…looks like we'll have to drop in…no stairs…just…uh, deep and utter blackness. Whatevs.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:You're crying on the inside, aren't you?

**Ronald Weasley**:Scared shitless.

**Harry Potter**:I'll go first, here, Hermione, take the flute. Now, if anything happens to me, don't follow. Just go straight to the owlery to send Hedwig to Dumbledore.

**Ronald Weasley**:That seems like a very convoluted way to get help. You'll probably be dead by Hedwig flies her fat ass over to Dumbledore.

**Hedwig the Owl**:Hey!

**Ronald Weasley**:Sorry…

**Hedwig the Owl**:That's "HIS fat ass." Ignorant piece of shit…

** Harry Potter**:Bye!

* * *

**Harry Potter **Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**:Hey guys, it's okay! It's a soft landing!

** Ronald Weasley**: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: LASDKFJLSDKFJSDLF.

**Harry Potter**: Tough landing?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: No, I was trying to spell out "wee" and my phone spazzed out.

**Ronald Weasley**: Well, lucky this plant thing is here. Nice and comfy cozy, ya know?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Ummm…! Look at you two!

**Ronald Weasley**: FUCK! Hermione, get me the fuck out of this!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Stop moving! It's Devil's Snare!

**Ronald Weasley**: That piece of USELESS INFORMATION means nothing to me when it's sucking the life out of my body!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: I'm TRYING to remember how to kill it!

**Harry Potter**: Well hurry it up! Oxygen…depleting…

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Devil's Snare, Devil's Snare…it likes the dark and the damp…

**Harry Potter**: SO LIGHT A FUCKING FIRE, GENIUS!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Obvi. But I don't have any wood, dumbass.

**Ronald Weasley**: ARE YOU A FUCKING WITCH? Jesus Christ, we're lucky enough to have a genius with us, Harry, but we've got the stupidest one.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Oh…right. Magic bluebell flames activate!

**Ronald Weasley**: About time. Way to not crack under pressure…there's no wood? Honestly…I'm too old for this shit.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: You're eleven.

**Ronald Weasley**: That's ten years too old for nonsense like this…though, I do rather enjoy "stupid Hermione." She's kind of down-to-earth.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Oh shove it up your ass, Ron.

**Ronald Weasley**: Shove…what? Up my ass? Exactly?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Your…stupid…comments…I guess…

**Ronald Weasley **became a fan of stupid Hermione.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Okay enough. Thank you for at least coming to your senses at some point and lighting a fire. At least we're okay. It's this way.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:How do you know, Harry?

**Harry Potter**:Because it's the only way.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:I think we should use the GPS on my phone just in case.

**Harry Potter**:We're in a dark tunnel that only leads in one direction…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Oh.

**Harry Potter **became a fan of stupid Hermione.

* * *

**Harry Potter** I really fucking hope there's not a dragon involved in this… (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Never mind, it's…small…jewel-bright birds…WTF?

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Do you think they'll attack us if we cross the room?

**Harry Potter**: Probably. They don't look vicious…but you never know. It could be a wizarding remake of _The Birds_if they all attack at once. Except we'll actually see the damage done. Meaning pieces of my flesh will be eaten. Eyeballs hanging out of sockets…that sort of thing.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Hah, an Alfred Hitchcock reference. Classic.

**Ronald Weasely**:Haha, you said cock.

**Harry Potter**: Ron…srsly? Get your shit together; we have a long way to go. I think I'm just going to go for it.

* * *

**Harry Potter** is running like a complete fool with his arms covering his face! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Now what do we do?

**Harry Potter**: How the fuck should I know?

**Ronald Weasley**: Well YOU'RE the one with the big ideas, mister! I thought you had all this shit panned out!

**Harry Potter**: Ron, I'm fucking eleven, I can't think that far in advance. My brain hasn't developed all that much from when I was one.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Well these birds can't be here for just decoration!

**Harry Potter**: It seems stupid Hermione hasn't quite left the building.

* * *

**Harry Potter** just had a flash of brilliance! They're not birds, they're keys! (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasley**: Whoa, you're right! Wow, how could we completely mistake these obviously shaped flying keys for birds? We're certainly not the brightest tools in the shed.

**Harry Potter**: …you mean SHARPEST tools in the shed. Or, if you wanted to go the other way, it would be brightest bulbs in the…box? What would you answer for that?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Wow, we are so fucked. P.S. you're correct, Harry, it's "brightest bulb in the box."

**Harry Potter**: Ranking of Intelligence Tonight: 1. Harry Potter 2. Ron Weasely/Hermione Granger. You two have both been ridiculous tonight, so you're pretty much tied. But right now, Hermione is in the lead by a nose, thanks to Ron's comment about "bright tools."

**Ronald Weasley**: Hey, screw you! I'm not familiar with Muggle expressions! So I mix them up! Big-fucking-whoop. At least I try! Assholes.

**Harry Potter**:Okay, stfu, Ron, we don't give a shit. Look – we have to catch the key to the door. See the broomsticks?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Erm, I don't know if you recall, Harry, but my flying skills are non-existent. I will be of no use.

**Harry Potter**: Oh, I'm aware, believe me. Both you and Ron will be no use in this situation, especially since this is my area of expertise. Honestly, don't these fuckers know that since I've made my great return to this world, I'm basically going to get involved in every shady piece of business involving the greatest evil of epic proportions? They're making it a lot easier by tailoring the journey to ultimate victory to me.

**Ronald Weasley**: I'm beginning to agree with Snape, mate, you are a conceited prick. Oh, and since you need to know what you're looking for, you may want to know that the key we need is a big, old-fashioned one. Probably silver, like the handle.

**Harry Potter**: Ranking of Intelligence Tonight: 1. Harry Potter, 2. Ron Weasley, 3. Hermione Granger.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: T_T

* * *

**Harry Potter** not for nothing, though, am I the youngest Seeker in a century. I have a knack for spotting things other people don't. (sent from mobile)

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Oh, really? And why didn't YOU notice the trapdoor in the fucking FIRST PLACE? We wouldn't be involved in any of this if I hadn't noticed that Fluffy was being used for something!

**Harry Potter**:I was…just testing you! Duh.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: You're so full of shit.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasely**'s wall: I found it! Follow the direction that my finger is pointing in!

**Ronald Weasley**: I'm on it!

**Harry Potter**: Oh my god, you crashed into the ceiling and nearly fell off your broom. EPIC FAIL.

**Ronald Weasley**: OMFG you CANNOT be more annoying right now. You're almost as bad as Granger, and that's saying something.

**Harry Potter**: Take that back, you dirty ginger-whore!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Ron's right, Harry, and I never say this. It seems that by becoming more intelligent…your annoyance factor exponentially increases.

**Harry Potter**: Aaaand, Hermione's back, ladies and gents.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: All is right with the world once more.

* * *

**Harry Potter** just caught the key! :) (sent from mobile)

(**Hermione Jean Granger** and **Ronald Weasely** like this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** is standing on a giant chessboard, WTF. (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasely**: Oh my god, isn't it OBVIOUS what we have to do? We've got to play our way across the room! Geez, do I have to be the source of knowledge all the bloody time?

**Harry Potter**: Oh no…now I'm beginning to understand: each blockway is somehow matching of our skills. So this must mean that it's Ron's turn to act like a cocky son of a bitch.

**Ronald Weasley**: We have to be chessmen. We're going to be the black pieces, because we're badass motherfuckers. Mostly me.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: I'm going to be blunt: you and Hermione suck balls.

**Harry Potter**: You mean at chess, right?

**Ronald Weasley**: Right. And at life, too, but at the moment, chess is the only thing that matters.

**Harry Potter**: Ugh, I can't believe I was this much of an asshole fifteen minutes ago…okay, Ron, what do you want us to do.

**Ronald Weasley**: Harry – you're the bishop. Hermione – you're the castle.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: And who are you going to be?

**Ronald Weasley**: I'm going to be a knight.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Ron, please stop keeping that ridiculous pose.

* * *

**Black Knight** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: FINE, just kick us out, then! It's not like we wanted to play, anyway!

**Black Bishop**: That's right! Douchebag. This is our fucking job in life. And you're just taking it away. You've gotten Black Castle all upset right now.

**Black Castle**:FUCKYOUFUCKYOU!

**Ronald Weasley**: I'm ignoring you inanimate objects.

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: White plays first in chess – look.

**Harry Potter**:Yes, I can see the very large stone objects moving in front of me without your prompting just fine.

* * *

**Harry Potter **doesn't not believe in **Ronald Weasley**'s chess skillz…but what the fuck are we going to do if we lose? (sent from mobile)

**Ronald Weasle****y**: We're not going to lose. Now, move diagonally four squares to the right, bitch.

**Harry Potter**:Geez, I'm going, stop being such a bossy prick…

* * *

**The Other Black Knight** is no longer online.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: O_O

**Ronald Weasley**: Sacrfices must be made…HERMIONE! Take that bishop!

**Hermione Jean Granger** poked **White Bishop**.

**White Bishop** is no longer online.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: OI! DO YOU THINK YOU CAN WATCH WHERE YOU PUT US? HERMIONE AND I HAVE ALMOST GOTTEN KILLED!

**Ronald Weasley**: STFU, I'M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE!

** Hermione Jean Granger**: Such a frightening sight to behold…

**Ronald Weasley**: Fuck you!

* * *

**Ronald Weasley** must sacrifice himself. (sent from mobile)

**Hermione Jean Granger**: ENOUGH WITH THE "HEROIC" POSE!

**Ronald Weasley**: Harry, after the queen takes me, you have to take the king.

**Harry Potter**: Okay, fine.

**Ronald Weasley**:Wait…you're not going to try to stop me?

**Harry Potter**: Frankly, you've been a bitch to me lately, and I won't feel very much remorse to see you taken down by a large, feminine object.

**Ronald Weasley**: Fine…I'm going…

* * *

**White Queen** poked **Ronald Weasley**.

**Ronald Weasley** is idle.

**Hermione Jean Granger** AHHHHH! RON! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Oh, he'll be fine. He's just knocked out. He's my BFF, despite everything, and because he has that sort of relation to me, he can't die.

**Harry Potter** poked **White King**.

**White King** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: FINE. HERE'S MY STUPID CROWN.

**Harry Potter**: Thanks! It's a little too big for my head…since I won't be able to transport it out of this room, I'll treasure it in my head. So it'll just rest here forever and ever…huh…that's kind of weird to think about.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: What do you reckon's next?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Well, let's see…Devil's Snare was Sprout's…Flitwick's had to be the charmed keys…McGonagall's was the chess game…so that leaves Quirrell's and Snape's.

**Harry Potter**: Wait…wouldn't it make more sense for McGonagall to have transfigured the keys into half bird/half key, and Flitwick to have charmed the chess pieces into moving?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Honestly, yes, I thought the same thing, but let's be frank: Minerva McGonagall is a fierce bitch, and she WOULD have her defense be ruthless and deadly and have it involve actual use of the brain.

**Harry Potter**: Huh, true…

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: Thank god we didn't have to fight that troll – it's even bigger and more repulsive than the first one.

**The Troll**: FRANCIS? NNOOOOOO! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?

**Harry Potter**: Calm down, he just has a bloody lump on his head…and why the hell are you stalking us?

**The Troll**: I may…be on the lookout for Hedwig's activities. We're no longer friends on Facebook, apparently. I thought she deleted her account…but apparently not.

**Hedwig the Owl**: It's HE, you stupid bitch.

**The Troll**: Hey…honey…maybe we can work this out.

**Hedwig the Owl**:KISS MY FEATHERY ASS.

**Harry Potter**: Hey, guys? I'm trying to save the wizarding world from immenint destruction…so do you think you can take this elsewhere? Kthx.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: This must be Snape's.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Yes, the seven bottles filled with potions clued me in.

* * *

**Harry Potter** GOODNESS GRACIOUS, GREAT BALLS OF FIRE! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Oooh, and they're purple and black! Purdy.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: *sigh* It looks like this is my turn to be an arrogant berk. But this is how ordinary life is…so it won't come as much of a shock.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: What the fuck did we just read? It felt like a Dr. Suess poem. (why are we making so many Dr. Seuss references?)

**Hermione Jean Granger**: It's not magic, it's a use of logic to solve a puzzle. You know, many of the greatest wizards haven't got an ounce of logic. They'd be stuck here forever.

**Harry Potter**: Shit…but so will we, won't we?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Are you serious, Potter? I'm one of the select few who are both great AND logical. Of course we're getting through. Just give me ten seconds to figure it out.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger** just figured out the riddle! I'm so clever Y/Y? (sent from mobile)

(**Harry Potter** likes this.)

**Harry Potter**: Oh thank god we have your brains! This situation was in desperate need of them, for once. So, which one do we drink?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:The smallest bottle will get us through the black fire, toward the Stone.

**Harry Potter**: There's only enough for one of us. Well, it looks like I'll be going alone. No surprise there. Which one will take you through the purple? Because you're going to be drinking that shit.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Okay, looks like my usefulness has run its course.

**Harry Potter**: You got that right, bitch. You drink that, and get back and get Ron. Grab brooms from the flying-key room…that should help you get past Fluffy…and just go to the owlery and get Hedwig to contact Dumbledore. I might be able to hold Snape off for a while, but I'm no match for him, really.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Understatement of the century.

**Harry Potter**: Thanks for the vote of confidence.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Well, I mean, what if You-Know-Who's with him?

**Harry Potter**: Well, I was lucky once, wasn't I? Hence the scar. I may get lucky again.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: I feel like this is going to be an ongoing excuse for recklessly facing the most evil wizard in history multiple times…

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **sent **Harry Potter** a bone-crushing hug.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: HERMIONE, WTF!

**Hermione Jean Granger**: You're a great wizard, you know.

**Harry Potter**: Oh, wow, er…thanks? I suppose. I'm honestly not as good as you. I can barely remember half the spells we learned this year.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: I'm only going to say this once: really, there are so many more important things than books and cleverness.

**Harry Potter**:*GASP!*

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Hear me out: things like friendship and bravery are much more important.

**Harry Potter**: Well that's a rather cheesy answer…

**Hermione Jean Granger**: STFU I'm being sentimental! Now be careful!

**Harry Potter**: You drink first. I kind of don't trust you for finding the right potions so quickly.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: Pussy.

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Hermione Jean Granger**'s wall: You shuddered! IS IT POISON?

**Hermione Jean Granger**: No, dumb ass, it's just cold.

**Harry Potter**: Okay, good, well, hurry up before it wears off.

** Hermione Jean Granger**: Good luck! Take care!

**Harry Potter**: I'M GOING TO CHUCK YOUR PHONE IN THE FIRE IF YOU DON'T GO.

* * *

**Harry Potter** HERE I COME, MOTHERFUCKERS! (sent from mobile)

* * *

Chapter Seventeen

**Harry Potter** sent **Quirinus Quirrell** an accusatory finger point.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Quirinus Quirrell**'s wall: YOU!

**Quirinus Quirrell**:That's right, bitch, me. I've been wondering when you'd come around.

**Harry Potter**: Hey! You fixed your stutter!

**Harry Potter**: Okay, I've actually read your comment (I was distracted by the lack of stuttering the first go around), and you've got to be fucking kidding me! You were literally at the bottom of my list of suspects. Fucking _Binns_ was ahead of you, for cripe's sake! I thought it was Snape for sure!

**Quirinus Quirrell**:HA. Yes, he does seem like the cretin. But he was actually stalking me. If you read his list of interests, "stalking Quirrell," "following Quirrell," and other such activities are listed.

**Harry Potter**: But that was under my interests, too! I thought it was just a joke! I didn't think you were actually suspicious! I mean Snape tried to kill me!

**Quirinus Quirrell**:Nah, that was all me, baby. It totally would've worked, too, if only your know-it-all BITCH of a friend, Granger, didn't knock me over and break my eye contact! And Snape, of course, was muttering that fucking countercurse…so I actually didn't really stand a chance…but I DEFINITELY COULD'VE KILLED YOU THEN.

**Harry Potter**:o_O Snape was trying to SAVE me? Pull the other one!

**Quirinus Quirrell**:I don't joke. Why else would he want to ref your next match? It definitely wasn't to fulfull a lifelong dream of being a Quidditch referee! But whatevs, it's all for nothing, since I'm going to kill you anyway. Right now.

* * *

**Quirinus Quirrell** sent **Harry Potter** binding ropes.

**Quirinus Quirrell **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: You're too nosy to live, Potter. It's fucking disgusting – it's almost in the same league of annoyance as Granger's intellect. On Halloween, I almost killed you for your insolence…scurrying around the school like that.

**Harry Potter**: You let the troll in?

**Quirinus Quirrell**:No SHIT. I have a special gift with trolls.

**Harry Potter**: That's not something to be boastful about…

**Quirinus Quirrell**;SHUT UP, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. You saw what I did to the one back there! But Snape, who was already suspicious of me, tried to head me off on Halloween. That day was such a fail – not only did the troll fail to kill you, Fluffy didn't even tear off Snape's leg properly. Now, I just need you to stfu so I can examine this mirror…

* * *

**Harry Potter** cannot believe this shit. The Mirror of Erised is HERE? (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Quirinus Quirrell** cannot, for the life of him, figure out how to get the Stone from this effing mirror! (sent from mobile)

(**Harry Potter **likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** Operation: Distract Quirrell From Bringing About the Return of Voldemort (DQFBATROV) is in effect until **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore** gets down here…HELP! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Quirinus Quirrell**'s wall: HEY! I saw you and Snape in the forest!

**Quirinus Quirrell**: Yeah, he was onto me by then. He tried to scare me…AS IF. I have Lord Voldemort on my side, after all!

* * *

**Quirinus Quirrell** I see myself presenting the Stone to my master…but HOW DO I GET IT ALDSKJFLSDKJF. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** Operation: Distract Quirrell From Bringing About the Return of Voldemort (DQFBATROV) is recommencing. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Quirinus Quirrell**'s wall: Dude, Snape fucking hates me, how do you explain that?

**Quirinus Quirrell**: He does, no question about that. He went to Hogwarts with your father, didn't you know?

**Harry Potter**: How the HELL am I supposed to know this? My parents are dead, remember? Nobody will tell me shit. But, please, continue talking…

**Quirinus Quirrell**:So yeah, they hated each other. But Snape never wanted you dead, geez.

**Harry Potter**: But I heard you crying like a baby a few days ago…

**Quirinus Quirrell**:Er…yes…sometimes I find it hard to follow my master's instructions. After all…he's so powerful and awesome and wonderful.

**Harry Potter**: HOLD THE PHONE. You mean to tell me that Voldemort was there in the classroom with you?

**Quirinus Quirrell**: He's with me wherever I go.

**Harry Potter**: That's not creepy or anything…(HINT THE SARCASM).

**Quirinus Quirrell**: Yes, it was a lovely spring day during my travels around the world. I was a n00b at the time, and he found me, telling me that there is no good and evil…there's only power, and those too weak to seek it.

**Harry Potter**: That's such a load of horseshit. You believe that shit?

**Quirinus Quirrell**: Check my religion on my profile. ANYWAY, before you rudely interrupted with your yelling of: WAIT, STOP TYPING, I MUST RESPOND TO WHAT YOU JUST SAID, I was talking about my faithful devotion to Lord Voldemort, who has punished me manyatime for my failures…especially my epic fail at Gringotts, for not taking the Stone then…

**Harry Potter**: Oh my god, you son of a bitch, I was shaking your hand that day! You dirty bastard!

**Quirinus Quirrell**: He said he had a keep a closer watch on me…and I'm going to be really vague right now and not tell you how…

* * *

**Quirinus Quirrell**OMFG I don't get it! Is the Stone inside the mirror? Should I break it? Come on, Facebookers, help a poor man out! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** thinks he'll be able to see where the Stone is if he looks in the mirror, but he has to be stealthy. (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter** EPIC FAIL, just tripped and fell over trying to move – damn you, ropes! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Quirinus Quirrell** What's the fucking POINT of this mirror? How does it work? HELP ME, MASTER! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: What the fuck?

**Quirrell's Turban**: Use the boy…

** Harry Potter**: WHAT THE FUCK?

* * *

**Quirinus Quirrell** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Get your ass over here this instant!

**Harry Potter**: I would, but you've binded me with these really painful ropes, and I can't move.

**Quirinus Quirrell**: Alright, fine. Even though I kind of like the sight of you binded…

**Harry Potter**: CREEPER!

* * *

**Quirinus Quirrell** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Look in the mirror and tell me what you see!

**Harry Potter**: Stop being so demanding! You could say "please" every once in a while – it's a magical word and it will get you far in life.

**Dudley Dursley**: Oh, VOMIT, Potter. You can't be spouting that shit and not get the shit kicked out of you. And you have friends? Well, not that the ginger and that know-it-all snot are very good friends…

**Harry Potter**: Dudley, I'm kind of in the middle of something important. It has to do with preventing an evil man from regaining his powers, and your comments are seriously irrelevant, not to mention NOT WELCOME.

**Dudley Dursley**:You know what, be fucking grateful that I'm even in your life.

**Harry Potter**: Are you serious? Did you really just type that bullshit? AGH you're distracting me! Go away!

**Quirinus Quirrell**: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DO AS I SAY!

**Dudley Dursley**: Wow, someone really hates you, Pot-head. I'll let you go now, toodles!

**Harry Potter**: Why is my life so awful…

* * *

**Harry Potter** does **Quirinus Quirrell** seriously think that I'm going to tell him the truth about what I see? Sucker…(sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Holy shit…just saw something crazy with the mirror. And got a little somethin', somethin', but I can't post it on here for fear of Quirrell reading it.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: It certainly never stopped you before.

**Harry Potter**: Yeah, well, this is actually important, as opposed to keeping my being on the Gryffindor Quidditch team a secret. Look, I don't know why random people like you or Dudley are trying to talk to me right now, but it has to stop.

**Hermione Jean Granger**: I'm hardly random!

* * *

**Quirinus Quirrell** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: WHAT DID YOU SEE?

**Harry Potter**: I'm shaking hands with Dumbledore. I've won the House Cup for Gryffindor…yep, definitely what I saw. No questioning that.

**Quirinus Quirrell**: FUCK!

**Quirinus Quirrell** poked **Harry Potter**.

**Harry Potter** wrote on **Quirinus Quirrell**'s wall: Hey, no need to shove me out of the way…

* * *

**Harry Potter** is thinking about making a break for it. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Quirrell's Turban **wrote on **Quirinus Quirrell**'s wall: THE BITCH LIES.

**Quirinus Quirrell** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Potter! Get back here! Tell me the truth, god damn it!

**Quirrell's Turban**: Let me speak to him…face-to-face…

**Quirinus Quirrell**: Master, you're not strong enough!

**Quirrell's Turban**: I have strength enough…for this…

**Harry Potter**: Are you kidding? I'm going to have a dialogue with a fucking turban? I'm sorry, I really try to avoid talking to inanimate objects, even those that talk back, so let's just not do this…

* * *

**Harry Potter** Fuck, it feels like Devil's Snare is rooting me to the spot. This is rather annoying. I would really like to get out of here…but Quirrell is unwrapping his turban, and, frankly, I'm quite interested in what color his hair is. I bet he's a ginger, must be why he wears it – he's too ashamed. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** Well, everyone, **Quirinus Quirrell** has finished unwrapping, and has revealed the back of his head, and HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S A FACE! HE'S A TWO-FACED FREAK OF NATURE! EVEN WORSE THAN A GINGER! (sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**: Oh, and he's bald.

* * *

**Lord Voldemort's Face** wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Harry Potter…

**Harry Potter**: ?

**Lord Voldemort's Face**: I used to be Quirrell's Turban, as an alias, but now I've changed my name and revealed my true identity.

**Harry Potter**: Oh, that makes sense…SHIT.

**Lord Voldemort's Face**L Yes. See what I have become? Mere shadow and vapor. Fucking crazy. I have to share a body, which is really as annoying as it sounds, especially since they have to be open to me, like dear Quirrell, who has been drinking Unicorn blood for me, making me stronger. But once I have the Elixir of Life, I will be able to create a body of my own.

**Harry Potter**: Um, yeah, that's not going to happen, since you don't have the Stone, and Quirrell is too fucking stupid to figure out how the mirror works to get the Stone…so HA HA.

**Lord Voldemort's Face**: We don't need the mirror anymore, since you have the Stone in your pocket already! So convenient. Why don't you give me it right now?

* * *

**Harry Potter** DAMN IT, Voldemort knows I have the Stone! But at least I got the feeling back in my legs! Going to try to run away… (sent from mobile)

**Lord Voldemort's Face**: Don't be a fucking fool – better save your own life and join me…or you'll be killed like your parents. You know they died begging for mercy…

**Harry Potter**: LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!

**Lord Voldemort's Face**: How touching, defending your parents, albeit in a very immature way. I value bravery…

**Harry Potter**: Quite ironic, since that's a Gryffindor trait…

**Lord Voldemort's Face**: …Shit. I never thought of that.

**Harry Potter**: :P

**Lord Voldemort's Face**:ANYWAY, your parents were brave. I killed your father first, and he put up a courageous fight…but your mother needn't have died…

**Harry Potter**: Oh my god, you actually use the word "needn't" too? Holy crap on a cracker, that's wickity wack! Hermione's not the only jackass, then.

**Lord Voldemort's Face**: STOP INTERRUPTING ME WHILE I'M TALKING ABOUT THE MURDER OF YOUR PARENTS. Kthx. So your mother was tring to protect you, but I killed her in about two seconds. Now give me the Stone, unless you want her death to be in vain.

**Harry Potter**: You're such an asshole! Fuck you! You're not getting this!

* * *

**Harry Potter **is finally attempting to run away! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Lord Voldemort's Face** wrote on **Quirinus Quirrell**'s wall: SEIZE HIM!

**Quirinus Quirrell **is now gripping on to **Harry Potter**'s wrist. (sent from mobile)

(**Lord Voldemort's Face** likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** IS FEELING SCAR PAIN AGAIN AGHHHH(sent from mobile)

**Harry Potter**:Oh wait, never mind, the pain stopped.

* * *

**Lord Voldemort's Face** wrote on **Quirinus Quirrell**'s wall: Seize him! SEIZE HIM!

**Quirinus Quirrell**: Master, I got your first wall post, and I obeyed it quite brilliantly, but I seem to be blistering quite badly from touching him…perhaps we should abort this mode of restraining him. After all, we do have wands for a reason…

**Lord Voldemort's Face**: Oh, widdle Quiwwell hurt his widdle hand? You know what, I DON'T FUCKING CARE. Seize him!

**Quirinus Quirrell**: As you wish, Master.

* * *

**Quirinus Quirrell** is lunging on top of an eleven-year-old boy. I think I'm going to attempt strangulation. (sent from mobile)

(**Lord Voldemort's Face** likes this.)

* * *

**Harry Potter** PAIN AGAIN! (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Quirinus Quirrell** the pain…the agony! (sent from mobile)

(**Harry Potter** likes this.)

**Lord Voldemort's Face**: WTF ARE YOU DOING.

**Quirinus Quirrell**:I can't hold him, Master! My hands!

**Lord Voldemort's Face**: Oh my god, you useless piece of shit, just kill him quickly, for fuck's sake! Am I the only one with any sense here?

* * *

**Harry Potter** has discovered a pattern: whenever Quirrell touches me…he's in pain. I'm going for the face. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Quirinus Quirrell** IS BURNING! (sent from mobile)

**Lord Voldemort's Face**: KILL HIM! HOW HARD IS IT TO KILL AN ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY?

**Harry Potter**: I don't know, how hard is it to kill a one-year-old?

**Lord Voldemort's Face**: FUCK YOU!

* * *

**Harry Potter** is beginning to lose consciousness. I keep hearing voices in my head as well…hopefully that's not too weird. Oh dear, I'm going down…down…down… (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter** is idle.

* * *

**Harry Potter **Huh? What? SNITCH! Ugh, trying to catch…arms too heavy… (sent from mobile)

**Oliver Wood**:Excuse me? Where the fuck are you playing this game, Potter?

**Harry Potter**:I'll explain later, because I've totally realized that it's not a Snitch, but a pair of glasses…also, I'll have to ignore the fact that you saw this ONE status out of the millions regarding the super secret mission I'm on. You have to be completely out of your mind to not realize that the last thing I'm doing is playing Quidditch.

**Oliver Wood**:I stopped reading at "not a Snitch."

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Ello there.

**Harry Potter**:FUCK! DUMBLEDORE! IT WAS QUIRRELL! QUICK HE'S GOT THE STONE! SHITFUCKMOTHERFUCKINGQUUUUICK!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Chill out. You're a little behind, bud. He doesn't have the Stone.

**Harry Potter**:Alright, I'm slowly realizing that I probably passed out for longer than I imagined, but you could be a little more sensitive in delivering that information. I did just battle the darkest wizard of all time for the second time in eleven years and you're acting as if I've been sitting on my arse while you did all the work. Fuck. Who has the fucking Stone then!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Calm the fuck down, man.

**Harry Potter**:Ugh you're such a fucking hippie. Woah! Look at all that candy. Yeaaaah man!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Yes, tokens from your friends and admierers…what happened down in the dungeons between you and Professor Quirrell is a complete secret, so, naturally, the whole school knows.

**Harry Potter**:lolololol. I X3 Hogwarts.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Yes, yes. I believe your friends Fred and George Weasley were responsible for trying to send you a lavatory seat. Madam Pomfrey felt it was unhygienic, but I got a right laugh out of the whole situation.

**Harry Potter**:Pomfrey's such a humorless bitch.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:A *fierce_* _humorless bitch. She gets the job done with style.

**Harry Potter**:So, how long have I been here?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Just three days.

**Harry Potter**:WTF?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Anywho, Ronald and Hermione will be happy to see you've come round. They were worried. I wasn't, because you've already survived an attack from Lord Voldemort before, and now you're older and stronger. I mean, logic would say you'd be fine once again…

**Harry Potter**:Right, but the Stone…

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Oh, right. I forgot you kind of devoted the entire year to that bullshit. Right, so, where was I?

**Harry Potter**:Nowhere. You have told me nothing in the entire time I've been awake. You've just sat there like a useless son of a bitch.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Ah, right. So…Quirrell didn't manage to take it from you. I arrived in time to prevent that, of course.

**Harry Potter**:Oh, so I face down the most intense tasks I've ever seen in my entire life (and remember, I faced down the Dark Lord at age one), discovered the stuttering mess of a professor is actually harboring Voldemort as some sort of fucked up parasite on the back of his head, and endured disgusting, seemingly endless pain until I passed out for the last three days, yet you saunter onto the scene and get all the glory?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Pretty much. But you were doing pretty well on your own, I guess…

**Harry Potter**:How did you get there anyway? Hermione's owl?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Well, no, that was all me as well. By the time I reached London it became clear to me that the place I should be was the one I had just left. I arrived just in time to pull Quirrell off of you.

**Harry Potter**:You're definitely giving yourself too much credit. After all, who's fucked up idea was it to leave Hogwarts in THE FIRST PLACE? Aren't you supposed to be the greatest wizard ever? Like, what the fuck? You made it all the way to fucking London before you realized you shouldn't have left Hogwarts? Jesus Christ, I could've told you that two-steps outside of this fucking hell-hole and I'm only eleven!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:That's e-fucking-nuff. We all make mistakes…even smarty-pants like me.

**Harry Potter**:That's true, Hermione made a few miserable mistakes three nights ago.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Exactly. Thank you. So long fucking story short, the Stone's been destroyed.

**Harry Potter**:But-but…you're friend? Nicolas Flamel-

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Oh, you know about Nicolas?

**Harry Potter**:Srsly? How could THAT surprise you? Of all this nonsense, you'd think something else would throw you for a loop, but that was the straw that broke the aged headmaster's back.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:I guess you're right. Well Nicky and I said that it was for the best.

**Harry Potter**:But he and his wife will die, won't they?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:No shit, Sherlock. They have enough Elixir stored to set their affairs in order and then, yes, they will die. Obvi.

**Harry Potter**:O_O

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:lol, to someone as infantile as you, it seems incredible, but to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure. Hmm…hmmm…hmmmmm…

**Harry Potter**:Ignoring the fact that you just began humming at the end of that explanation…also ignoring the fact that you basically just told me I have a…cluttered mind? Because I don't really see death as an adventure, but whatever you want to think, old man. Anyway, even with the Stone gone, Vol-…I mean, You-Know-Who…

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Always use the proper name for things, Harry. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.

**Harry Potter**:Well you're just chock-full of interesting sayings and proverbs, aren't you? So Voldemort's going to try other ways of coming back, isn't he?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Yes, yes. He's still out there…he's not truly alive, so he can't be killed. He left Quirrell to die. Nevertheless Harry, while you may only have delayed his return to power, it will merely take someone else who is prepared to fight what seems a losing battle next time – and if he delayed again, and again, why, he may never return to power!

**Harry Potter**:Um, are those "agains" going to involve me? Again and again? And again? Ugh.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Probably. It sure as heck isn't going to be me. I'm getting too old for this shit.

**Harry Potter**:Well then, do something you're not too old for – sit on your arse and tell me the truth.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:The truth. It is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution. However, I shall answer your questions unless I have a very good reason not to. I shall not, of course, lie.

**Harry Potter**:Right. A simple "alright" wouldn't suffice, but I'm getting very used to your unnecessary pretenses. So…Voldemort said that he only killed my mother because she tried to stop him from killing me. But why would he want to kill me in the first place?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Sigh. The first thing you ask me, I cannot tell you. Not today at least. Not now. One day…but put it from your mind until you're older.

**Harry Potter**:And to think I was beginning to like you a little bit. Fuck this shit! Not only is "until you're older" the most bullshit unit of time EVER, I have the greatest feeling that this will be one of your most immense regrets in a few years time.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Right you are, Harry. So very right you are.

**Harry Potter**:I'm glad we're agreeing that this is the biggest mistake ever and moving on. So why couldn't Quirrell touch me?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:You're mother died to save you. If there is one thing Voldemort cannot understand, it is love. He didn't realize that love as powerful as your mother's for you leaves its own mark. Not a scar, but it gives us an invisible sort of protection forever. Quirrell was full of hatred, greed, and ambition, so he couldn't touch you, being filled with so much love.

**Harry Potter**:So you're seriously telling me that love is the answer to everything?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Well, not the answer to *everything*. Like…if someone asked me what I wanted for lunch, the answer is a Big Mac, not love.

**Harry Potter**:It's stil sappy as all hell.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Yes, well, what can one do. By the way, that last remark wasn't just an example, I'm famished. Let's try to wrap this shit up. Also, I'm going to stare out the window for a bit while you dry the tears from your eyes. It's making me a bit uncomfortable because I don't think you realized you were crying.

**Harry Potter**:Shitfuck…alright, I'm good. And the Invisibility Cloak – do you know who sent it to me?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:This guy! Your father left it in my possession and I thought you'd like it. Whatevs. Nbd.

**Harry Potter**:And there's something else…

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Don't you have anything to say to me?

**Harry Potter**:Nope. Anyway, Quirrell says Snape hates me because he hated my father. Is that true?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Well, they did rather detest each other. Not unlike yourself and Mr. Malfoy, actually! And then, your father did something he could *never*forgive: he saved his life :P

**Harry Potter**:Snape *would_* _get pissed about something like that. Fucking punk-ass bitch…

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Professor Snape couldn't bear being in your father's debt. He worked so hard to preotect you this year because he felt that would make him and your father even. Then he could go back to hating him in peace…

**Harry Potter**:That's fucked up! Sheesh…oh, one more thing. How did I get that Stone out of the Mirror?

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:Oh, I'm so glad you asked that. I don't like to give myself compliments willy-nilly but this was fucking BRILLIANT. It was one of my best ideas, and that's saying something, brah. If you didn't get it already, I'm fucking awesome. Anywho…only one who wanted to *find* the Stone – find it, but not use it – would be able to get it. Otherwise they'd just se themselves making gold or drinking Elixir of life. My brain surprises even me sometimes…

**Harry Potter**:I feel like this is a joke that you just said that last statement. You're out of control but I appreciate the honesty.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**:^_^

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: HARRY!

**Harry Potter**:You look like you're about to hug me and for more reasons than one, I have to suggest you don't.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Done and done. Oh, Harry, we were sure you were going to…

**Harry Potter**:Die? Please. I'm the fucking Boy Who Lived.

**Ronald Weasley**:The whole school's talking about it. What really happened in there!

**Harry Potter**:Quirrell, the Mirror, the Stone, and Voldemort. Blah blah blah. Etc.

**Ronald Weasley**: Ah, all right. So the Stone's gone? Flamel's just going to _die_?

**Harry Potter**:Yeah…Dumbledore thinks that…uh…"to the well-organized mind, death is but the net great adventure," whatever that shit means.

**Ronald Weasley**:Ha. Well, he's off his rocker. Sad, really.

**Harry Potter**:So what happened to the two of you? Made out in a broom closet yet?

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Enough. I brought Ron round – THAT took a while…

**Ronald Weasley**:Jesus Christ, of course you'd think to blame me for being unconscious.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:So we went to contact Dumbledore but met him in the Entrance Hall. He already knew. He just said, "Harry's gone after him, hasn't he?" and ran for the third floor. Pretty fast for an old man.

**Ronald Weasley**:I think he devised the whole plan. Wanted you to do his dirty work, Harry. Sending you the Cloak and everything…

**Hermione Jean Granger**:That's terrible! Harry couldn't died!

**Harry Potter**:It's not terrible. I think he sort of wanted to give me the chance. Yes, he's off his rocker, and he's pretty conceited actually, but I reckon he had a pretty good idea what we were trying to do…it wasn't an accident that he let me find out how the Mirror worked.

**Ronald Weasley**:That's fucked up. Is this for real? I mean, he can't have that much faith in an eleven-year-old. You're giving the old shit too much credit.

**Harry Potter**:Eh, maybe.

**Ronald Weasley**:Oh, by the way, I know you're tired from battling the darkest wizard of all time, but I thought I'd just rub it in your face one last time that at the end-of-year feast tomorrow, we're going to be destroyed by Slytherin in the points race.

**Harry Potter**:Fuck.

* * *

**Harry Potter **slept like a fuckin' baby. Take that, Voldy. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Poppy Pomfrey**'s wall: Can I go to the feast? Can I? Can I? I want to be there when the Slytherin's defeat us it sounds like a blast!

**Poppy Pomfrey**:Professor Dumbledore says you're allowed to go. Ask me? I think he's full of shit.

**Harry Potter**:Yeah, he is. But yay! I'm putting my health at risk to face defeat head on! I'm such a brave mother fucker.

**Poppy Pomfrey**:Oh, enough. Snape was so right about you…anyway, you have a visitor.

* * *

**Rubeus Hagrid **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Meeeehhhh it's all my fault!

**Harry Potter**:WTF?

**Rubeus Hagrid**:I told the evil git how to get past Fluffy! I told him! You could've died! All for a dragon egg! I'll never drink again! I'm such an alcoholic piece of shit!

**Harry Potter**:Yeah.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:This is where you come in and say, oh no, it's okay Hagrid. We're still buddies…

**Harry Potter**:Oh, we're still buddies. And it is okay. But I mean I'm not going to deny the fact that you totally fucked up everyone's day because you're a drunk. Seriously, you should probably seek counseling. I'm just saying that as a friend.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:I guess you're right…

**Harry Potter**:I am. Here, have a Chocolate Frog, cheer up big guy.

**Rubeus Hagrid**:Oh, I gotcha a present.

**Harry Potter**:I'm sure whatever this is, it will in no way make up for the near loss of my life…

**Rubeus Hagrid**:It's a picture book…all pictures of your parents from old school friends. Ya know.

**Harry Potter**:Oh my god. I seriously did not expect this. Like you think I'd make a joke about how lame this is, but it's not. Fuck…seriously, Hagrid, I even cried in front of Dumbledore about my parents. This actually does make up for everything.

**Rubeus Hagrid**: ^_^

**Harry Potter**:Seriously though, you definitely require AA.

* * *

**Harry Potter **heading to the Great Hall – please, hold your applause. (sent from mobile)

* * *

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Another year gone! Woot woot. The House Cup needs awarding, so let's see…Fourth place, Gryffindor. Third, Hufflepuff. Second, Ravenclaw. First…ugh. Slytherin.

**Severus Snape **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Don't pick favorites or anything, Dumbledore.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Yeah, yeah, well done Slytherin. Small problem, recent events need to be taken into account.

**Severus Snape **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Shitfuck.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Ahem. First, fifty points to Mr. Ronald Weasley for the best-played game of chess Hogwarts has seen in many years.

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Seriously? Only fifty points? I was knocked unconscious by a giant Queen!

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Ha-ha, I didn't know Hagrid was playing with you dumbasses.

**Rubeus Hagrid **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Hardy har, I'm a giant Queen…fuck you, Malfoy.

**Draco Malfoy **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: WHAT! HOW IS THIS OAF NOT FIRED YET!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Stfu. Second, fifty points to Miss Hermione Granger, for the use of cool logic in the face of fire. And third to Mr. Harry Potter…for pure nerve and outstanding courage, I award Gryffindor house sixty points.

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Srsly? You're shitting me. Harry only get's ten more points than ME? I mean I thought fifty was pretty lame, but I played fucking chess and Harry defeated the Dark Lord for a second time. Ten extra points! This school is fucked up.

**Harry Potter **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Alright Ron, I totally appreciate that rant, but if your math skills were any good, you would've realized that those points made us even with Slytherin.

**Ronald Weasley **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: Well he couldn't give you one more measly point? Shit.

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's: I beg Mr. Weasley to hold his incessant complaints for my last award. It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends. Ten points to Mr. Neville Longbottom.

**Neville Longbottom **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: FINALLY! SOME RECOGNITION!

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore **wrote on We go to Hogwarts, bitch's wall: So I believe that we need a change of scenery...let's get rid of these shitty Slytherin banners, eh?

* * *

**Severus Snape **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: This doesn't change anything, you little shit.

**Harry Potter **Right back atcha, ya dumbass bitch.

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Ronald Weasley**'s wall: Well, this looks like it's goodbye for now.

**Ronald Weasley**:You've got to stay over this summer…the both of you.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:Who, me?

**Ronald Weasley**:Don't pretend like you don't stalk my and Harry's wall-to-wall. I don't think there's one comment between us that you haven't read. But you've grown on me a bit. A BIT. Don't go filling out a marriage license for Christ's sake.

**Hermione Jean Granger**:^_^

* * *

**Ginny Weasley **wrote on **Molly Weasley**'s wall: OMFG LOOK! IT'S FUCKING HARRY POTTER!

**Molly Weasley**: Um yeah, we kind of showed him the way to Platform 9 ¾. Hope he didn't forget the little people now that he's the talk of Hogwarts even more than before…

**Harry Potter**:Well, this is awkward. Thank you so much for the fudge and the jumper, Mrs. Weasley.

**Molly Weasley**:Well I feel like a bitch. You're welcome, dear. Stay adorable.

**Ginny Weasley**:Yeah, stay adorable Harry ^_^

**Harry Potter**:Omg, you're far too young for me.

**Ginny Weasley**:I'm ten!

**Harry Potter**:Baby.

**Ginny Weasley**:You won't be saying that in a few years time, you little shit.

**Harry Potter**:We'll see.

* * *

**Vernon Dursley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Ready, are you?

**Harry Potter**:Oh, how wonderful it is to see you lot…

**Dudley Dursley**:Stfu. You really shouldn't have been so nasty when I Facebooked you during that little fight about a mirror…now you're really gonna get it this summer.

**Harry Potter**:"Little fight"? Excuse me? I was battling the darkest wizard of all time, bitch.

**Dudley Dursley**:That means shit when you're home with us! You're still skinny-ass four eyes and you're cruising for a bruising.

**Harry Potter**:You look fat today.

**Dudley Dursley**:STFU! I'M ON A DIET. THIS IS WHY I FUCKING HATE YOU, POTTER.

** Harry Potter**:lol.

**Molly Weasley**:Omg, all of you must be Harry's family!

**Vernon Dursley**:Oh shit, I'm out when the ginger lot starts creeping up.

* * *

**Hermione Jean Granger **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s wall: Well, hope you have a…good…summer, Harry…they look…lovely…

**Harry Potter**:Oh, I will. *They*don't know we're not allowed to use magic at home. I'm going to have a lot of fun with Dudley this summer…

* * *

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Dudley Dursley**'s wall: Now git before I go all magical crazy on your ass!

**Dudley Dursley**:DAAAAAAAAD! *sobs*

THE END…for now.

* * *

A/N: We hope you enjoyed reading this parody! We had a lot of fun writing it. We're currently hard at work on CoS and we should begin posting in a few weeks :)

Please review!

D+K


	5. CoS!

Note to readers: CoS, Facebook News Feed Edition is posted now - check it out!

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